Adult Friend Intentionally Not Inviting Me

by JA
(CT)

Hi..I have a friend who intentionally does not invite me/my family out on weekends but always invites our other good friends. Should I confront or just leave alone?

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Jun 21, 2008
 It depends
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Hi JA,

I think it depends. There could be a lot of other things happening here. Maybe:
- they think that you don't like the activity that they do on the weekends
- they think you can't afford it
- they do other things during the week with you so they think that you want some time to just spend with your family
- or maybe they think you don't like the other friends that they like to do this activity with

There could be a lot of reasons as to why they don't invite you. They might just think you're not interested.

What would happen if you invited them to do something on the weekend? Do you do things with them during the week?

The other side of the coin to this issue is, "Why does it bother you so much that they don't invite you?" I know it can be hurtful when you feel like you're being left out. But, are there other issues deep down that this is triggering such a reaction in you? For example, maybe you got left out of things when you were a child and this brings up those feelings from the past. Or does it make you feel like you're not good enough to hang out with them on the weekend? These are all important emotions to work through. Once you know why it's bothering you so much then you might have a better idea of what's really happening in this situation. Also, once you know why it's really bothering you then you'll have a much better idea of how to react to this situation.

Anyway, maybe if you could provide a few more details then we could work through this a little more for you.
Jan 07, 2009
 In the Same Boat
by: Anonymous

I think this happens to many people. I understand that it can be very hurtful. I have been in the same position very recently. My neighbor and I have been best friends for 8 years. We would do everything together. Our families would do things together. Another neighbor moved in a year ago and I invited this lady so we could get to know her. Well.....guess who doesn't get invited anymore. My best friend now does everything we used to do with the new neighbor. I confronted them both and told them that I am hurt that I am left out. The new neighbor said that she is sorry I felt that way and that was it. My best friend said, "Well, I can't help it if S.S. doesn't invite you." I have been working on my feelings for the last couple of months and have basically alienated myself from my best friend and neighbor and started to hang out with other people. It has been getting easier but the hurt is still there. Hang in there and hopefully, time will heal all.
Jan 07, 2009
 yes, very hurtful
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Yes, I agree with you. It is very hurtful and unfortunately I think it does happen to a lot of people.

One thing to remember is that it tells you a lot about them. It says far more about them than you. It shows that they may be very insecure or have low self esteem. They may be wanting to be seen with the "in" people. Similar to the silly games people played in high school isn't it? Sad that they haven't grown beyond that.

They're also not really very good friends when you think about it. If they dropped you just because someone "better" came along, would they have been there for you when you really needed it?

I hope your new friends are more enjoyable for you to hang out with anyway. You deserve to have good friends in your life.
Sep 13, 2009
 Moving on...
by: Anonymous

I think I have lost my only friend as well. I guess I am okay with it but it takes some getting use to because it is painful. I think the worst thing about is she knows how I am. She knows how this makes me feel not to mentioned we have talked about it on several occasions. We talked about what our lives would be like when we grow old, now I can't see that in our future. It could be that I am jealous. Thats fine I will except that but if she truly cared she would take the the time to help me get over my jealousy. Thats what friends do. It has been 3 months and we have spent maybe one weekend together because she is always with the other person. You would think that she would introduce the old friend and the new friend, that did not happen either. I am moving on. I have a lot to lose because she is truly a awesome person.
Sep 18, 2011
 Intentionally Left out.
by: Anonymous

I could write a book - but will keep short. I'm going to be 70 & have tears in my eyes from another ailenation by same group. Family of daughter-in-law (DNL). Jumped thru hoops to be accepted even tho observing they can "cut people off" like a knife.I had only one child - a boy. DNL is competitive &strong willed. She cut me off from seeing son one-on-one. She only nice when she asked if I could do something for them. Don't see them much of grown grandchildren for it all centers aroud DNL family. Even vacations spent with their entire family. I sit here and see photos on facebook of the fun they, son, grandchildren and family and friends are having at a beach resort, and I'm never asked "cause I'm not family". what am I chopped liver?I was a foster child & experienced "never being part of any family". Today visited grandchildren to see new Great Grandbaby. DNL's Mom was there and didn't speak to me except to say something so off the wall rude.Then she, DNL & aunt started up to baby room. I asked;"oh, is there something new to see in baby's room". DNL said; "My mother hasn't seen the new dresser & cut me off, so I sat down watching game w/the men.They were up there for about 45 min. That's why I'm crying. What should have been a fun visit - turned so hurtful.My son & I agreed long ago he must do the "yes dear". & feel at times he notices my having to sit outside the ring.I sometimes just feel like taking my companion dog and just disapear. My grandchildren love me, but they too are totally guided by the strong personality of their Mom running things. I sit here in my little condo,dont' get involved in too much due to bone deteriation which makes it painful to travel anymore, nor the funds.I was going to write a book intitled "where's my chair". Seems every family had seating for all, except me, when realizing, would hear: "oh, I can't get used to your being part of this family", Yes, that happened more than you can imagine....At almost 70 I'm still getting that! There is no need to try fitting in anymore. It hurts!
Oct 14, 2011
 Feeling left out!
by: Tracy

Awww, Grandma, your story breaks my heart. I am 43 and am experiencing the same feelings with family and a certain friend. My grandma passed away 3 years ago and I still miss her terrible! Please talk to your son and explain how you are feeling, ask him if there is something you are doing to cause this. Let him know you want to fix it and if nothing changes, you have no choice but to move on. As painful as it may be you have to live for you too.
Oct 19, 2011
 one son grandma :(
by: sugar mama

I just want to say, sorry for the daughter-in-laws behavior. I think your son has to put his foot down a little though. He is probably afraid of her.

A similar story~~
My sister-in-law is like that as well. She isn't bad with my mom (because my brother won't allow it) but it's all about her family. She only has photos of the nieces and nephews on her side of the family (professional photo shoots)and they are displayed above the fireplace. My families photos are in the basement in old frames and never updated even when I give them updated pics. It's funny though....during the holidays, she insists that we have thanksgiving at her house with HER family (nobody on her side cooks).....but guess who the only cook in the family is?? Me! lol!! So...I end up having to make enough food for her side too!! They bring pies, cookies and coslaw lol! Sometimes I think she doesn't even realize what she is doing (then again....she is a teacher, she knows what works best FOR HER)In the end, I know it's her problem and it feels good to know that :) If anything...I am too nice to her, and I don't think she respects me for it. It's her loss.

If your daughter-in-law says I don't feel like your my family.....Your son needs to say "She IS MY family!!!" Maybe write a note to your son?? Just reading what you wrote is enough to get the point across. Dealing with different personalities is a very difficult thing.

smile...it always makes me feel good. I am smiling right now ;)) Take care and wishing you the best. Sue
Dec 14, 2012
 Intentionally Left Out
by: BarbMI

You have so very many beautiful qualities and experiences with life at being 70! My perception is that you are seeking acceptance and approval from others, especially the DNL. She has huge controlling issues and is also very sadly, hurting her family, children and husband by these acts. There are great reasons why your life was in foster care. You know first hand how it feels to want so badly to belong. I would start first with helping you, you can't change others, only yourself. A good book is "Changing Course" by Claudia Black. It may be that you need to accept and want yourself, first. There are patterns of repeating things in our life that won't change until we become aware of the patterns. Then with awareness we can have a choice, which is huge, as how we respond. You can let go of the emotional ties that hold you captive inside. I don't say that easily. Once that happens, you will be able to free yourself from all this hurt and pain and be able to visit for just the shear joy of experiencing, seeing, and loving your granchildren and son, regardless how the DNL acts. With all the gifts and knowledge you have from your experiences of living a life from foster care, you can also be a great inspiration to other children going through the same things as you did. Maybe connect on line with organizations where you bring your gifts to other children, thereby belonging to the good, placed in the world. There is a great lesson here for you, sometimes when you let go, other beauty fills your plate and you find you haven't really lost anything at all - you find the beauty of you. Peace and love to you!! Happy you are in your 70's!!
Oct 05, 2014
 teacher
by: Anonymous

A teacher co worker mAde homework for everyone accept for my students. I was so hurt and very confused.
Nov 15, 2014
 Seriously?!?!?
by: Anonymous

Seriously?? Your good friend is not inviting you but inviting others? And you are getting responses that it depends??? Depends on what?? Do go with you gut feeling. You are socially excluded, for whatever reason. Do realize this first. And do not come asking. It is not your responsibility, you are the one who is being ousted so you are owed explanation, not the other way around. Do not come asking because you will come out as begging for attention and inclusion. Find other friends and if you cannot find other interests and social causes you can commit and have control over. Always, always do good and respect others but never let them to walk over you and treat you like these people you called friends! All the best, you are the best!!!
Oct 29, 2019
 Reaching out to 70-year old grandma and "In the same boat"
by: Anonymous

To Grandma: I would stop looking at FB. Tell your son that he'd better talk to his wife and demand you are treated better. You deserve a good life. Do whatever you can outside of your family - do you have ehough $ for a brief cruise? Can you join a church?

To "Same Boat" I experienced very similar situation where my friend (invited by "mean girl" friend to something in which I should have been included) said "Well, I didn't send the email." So absurd; give me a break!

I have concluded: With friends like these, who needs enemies?
Nov 24, 2023
 Neighbor only sends treats-never invites!
by: CK

My neighbor only sends sweets for the kids or other stuff she has made. At the beginning she would (rarely) invite me for a coffee.I too, more often.
We had invited them as a couple 2-3 times but the husband never showed and they never invited us as a couple.Now she never invites me but she will have someone as a guest all the time...I mean almost every day...I am trying to figure where did I go wrong...
Nov 25, 2023
 Neighbor Sending Treats
by: Anonymous

Hi CK,

Why do you assume you did something wrong? Doesn't sound like you did. It sounds more like something is going on with her. Could be all sorts of things. She might feel intimidated by you. She might be embarrassed because her husband didn't show up when he was invited. Sounds like there is something going on with the husband. Anyway, she could be dealing with all sorts of things. It's her issue to deal with, not yours.

You just have to be yourself and friendly when you see her. If she wants a friendship, great. If she doesn't, great.

Why do you want a relationship with her so much? Why not just focus on creating relationships with people you click with and have fun with. It sounds like a friendship with her will be a lot of work and not provide you with a lot of joy.

You get to choose your friends. Choose good ones.
Nov 25, 2023
 Neighbour only sends treats
by: Anonymous

Thank you so much 💓

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