How To Speak To a Group - Usable Tips From a Communication Coach

Does the thought of speaking to a group create sheer panic in you?

As an introvert, I know it does me. The thought of being the center of attention is so nerve wracking!

Public speaking isn’t just making a speech. It could also be when you’re being interviewed for a job you really want. Or speaking up in a meeting or even meeting new people. It can also happen with your friends. How often do you remain silent just because you’re afraid of saying something in front of more than one person?

You could remain silent for the rest of your life, which I know is super tempting, but instead, let’s find some better options because the benefits of learning to express ourselves could be huge. Think promotions at work, deeper friendships, better connections with people, as well as just feeling “seen and heard” which is a huge factor for satisfaction with your life. Your life will be far richer when you get comfortable with speaking to and in front of people.

What do we need to know to get better at speaking to a group?

I’ve asked Noel Canifax who is an executive communication coach, NoelCanifax.com, to give me some tips on this topic including how to regulate our nervous system so we stay calm when we’re in high stress situations. Being able to stay calm, no matter what, really is key to how to handle the panic and fear that comes from thinking about speaking in front of people.

One myth we often believe is that we’re the only ones that struggle with this fear. Something to know about Noel is that she has a Masters in Classical Voice training and she struggled with stage fright. That’s why she spent the time to learn the techniques she’s going to share with us today.

LWC: Welcome Noel! So thrilled that you agreed to this interview. This really is an important topic and I love the tips you provided me with earlier (download the tips here, click on Free Resource at top of page). Maybe you could just give us a quick background on you and what led you to developing these techniques.

Noel:  Sure! I've been in front of an audience ever since I was a kid – Texas Girls Choir, church choirs, solos, etc. I went to one of those high schools that saw public speaking as “a necessity” so I was required to make regular presentations. Fast forward to college and I switched my major from education to vocal performance! I was performing solo every week. That's been 27 years now! It's funny to look back at all that because while being the center of attention was something I loved as a little kid, when I got to high school I was so self-conscious I hated it. I'd get sick, get butterflies in my stomach, even my knees and hands would visibly shake! I still get nervous before performances or presentations, though I've learned how to get past it quicker.

LWC: That's a good school you attended. More schools should teach public speaking. It is a necessity. 

I had something similar to what you described in that you mentioned that speaking in high school made you physically ill. I had a job for awhile where I had to teach groups how to use a specific web app. As soon as I knew I had to do one of these training sessions, I would be sick to my stomach, wouldn't be able to sleep, and be physically ill until it was over. I could be in this state for weeks depending on how much advance notice I had. In the end, I had to get someone else to take over this aspect of my job. So, I’m curious how you got over your fear.

Noel: There are a couple things going on when you're presenting and this applies to any situation where you have to speak (small or large groups): there's the fear of the situation, and the physical response to the stress. Sometimes those are lumped together, but I think it's important to differentiate. The fear is psychological – not wanting to look foolish or say something stupid, wondering what other people think of you...the point is, there is something deeper to that fear. It's not just the “fear of public speaking.” When I started digging in to this for myself, I was afraid of what I looked like and what everyone thought of me. I was SUPER afraid of looking foolish or making a mistake. Getting over the fear aspect required that I acknowledge that I'm not perfect and embrace mistakes as part of being human. I had to learn to laugh at those mistakes and let go of them – to do better next time.

It was definitely a process learning to get over fear and it required practice. When I need to get to the bottom of a fear (the why behind it), I'll take a walk, leave the phone at home, enjoy the fresh air, and pray. There's something about that quiet time outdoors that helps me relax and not feel so scattered.

For the physical response to the stress, I had to practice down regulating my nervous system. It sounds fancy, but the techniques are pretty simple: deep, controlled breathing, taking walks or hikes (especially on nature trails!), focusing on something else (think headphones and music), stretching, and weirdly, watching what I eat (caffeine and sugar make the shakes worse!).

LWC: That's really helpful. When I was having problems with that job, I really should have contacted a communication coach. Would have made all the difference knowing things like that. Having the awareness of what's happening can change everything because then you can figure out ways to respond rather than react in panic. I also thought it was just me who couldn't handle doing things like that. It's not good when you can't do your job because of a fear.

As a voice coach, maybe you can help me with an another issue that comes up for me sometimes,  even now. In certain situations, I’ll suddenly find my voice goes all croak-y. It’s like I’ve suddenly lost my voice. I’ll try to clear my throat but it doesn’t help. I find it so weird. It can happen even when I’m not particularly stressed or on the phone with someone. Any ideas why that happens and what I can do about it?

Noel: That's a common issue – you're not alone! When you feel like you lose your voice, or it goes croak-y, it's a physical stress response. In your larynx, you have vocal folds (also known as vocal cords) are two ligaments attached to tiny muscles that control them. When you experience the “croak”, the muscles attached to your vocal folds can tighten or get really dried out . Deep breathing will bring down your heart rate and cause those little muscles to relax. Clearing your throat or coughing is pretty rough on your vocal folds, as they don't have any blood flow or nerves. You only notice the coughing/clearing has hurt our voice when it's too late – the muscles get inflamed and can't move the folds. Drinking lots of water or herbal tea is more effective and will keep the natural mucous flowing (it's a good thing!).

LWC: Wow, that's so awesome. No one has ever been able to answer that question for me. Thank you! I just need to pause and have a drink. That's an easy solution!

One of your other suggestions to help with the vocal cords and calm our nervous system is to hum. I love this idea because it seems so simple. Can you explain this a little more? Why does this help? Is this any kind of humming? Just quietly to ourselves? I personally find I do hum when I’m stressed.

Noel: Humming helps to stretch out the vocal ligaments and warm up the vocal muscles. It also forces you to control your breath instead of the rapid, shallow breathing that happens when in a stressful state. Humming helps you to focus your mind on something else and yes, can calm your emotions too.

LWC: Humming is such a great idea because we don't need anything to be able to do it. Maybe a place where we won't disturb others but other than that, we can hum at any time.

What else can we do to keep ourselves calm?

Noel: As I mentioned before, this is called “down regulating” your nervous system. Deep, controlled breathing is the most effective. This opens up your lungs and stretches your diaphragm. When you exhale, focus on relaxing the areas that are holding tension – for me, it's my shoulders and neck. Before a speaking event or social occasion, listening to instrumental music helps relieve anxiety. I love classical, stretching, and weirdly, watching what I eat (caffeine and sugar make the shakes worse!).

LWC: So interesting about caffeine and sugar making it worse. You might think sugar would give you an energy boost but I can see that it could do more harm than good. That's good to know.

Suggestions for what should we do with our hands? That's a big one for me. I don't know what to do with them and then that makes me anxious.

Noel: Ooo! Good one – this is something I've had to practice. It looks absolutely natural (from the audience's perspective) to have your hands down at your side. But it feels so exposed! When I'm speaking to an audience in a formal setting, I'll put my hands on the podium or hold my hands loosely in front of me. The only problem with holding hands loosely is if you're extremely nervous, you might start wringing your hands. For social situations, I put my hands in my pockets or bring something to hold, like a warm beverage (only decaf coffee and tea!). It gives me something to do with my hands.

LWC: How important is it to pay attention to our breathing?

Noel: Essential. If we hold our breath we pass out and if we breath short, shallow breaths we hyperventilate. To practice what it feels like to engage diaphragmatic breathing, lay down flat on your back and put a book on your belly button. When you breathe in, concentrate on pushing the book up. When you exhale, concentrate on moving the book down toward the ground. It helps you get the feeling of breathing low and deep.

LWC: That's an awesome tip too. I would bet the majority of people are shallow breathers. I know I am. Something to practice so that it's just natural.

It's funny though in that I think the thought of fainting in front of a group is probably one of the fears people have when they consider speaking in public. Taking the time to focus on our breath would help that situation greatly. 

Next question: Where should we look if it feels uncomfortable looking people in the eye?

Noel: Sometimes it is uncomfortable making eye contact, especially if the person we're trying to talk to is particularly intense! But eye contact is a unique way we can communicate to others that we are listening and that we value them. It is a powerful non-verbal communication skill! To ease the discomfort, practice eye contact with 1 person you trust – who you know loves you no matter what. Then when that feels more natural, start adding more people you trust. Eventually, move to strangers – use those 1-2 minutes of interaction at the bank or the grocery store as practice! Look the checker in the eye and thank them. Try asking them about their day or for a recommendation on a good restaurant in the area.

LWC: I try to tell myself to listen to people when they speak. Really listen and think about what they’re saying. I think a lot of people are focusing on trying to think of what they’re going to say and not actually hearing the other person. But, if you’re listening to the other person, you’re not thinking about yourself and you also become curious about the other person. This goes a long ways towards keeping you calm and involved in the conversation.

Or another good tactic I find is to ask questions about what they’ve said. Use it as an opportunity to get to know the person on a much deeper level. If there was a test afterwards about what you learned about different people you met during the day, would you be able to pass the exam?

Do you have any other suggestions on how to make conversations less stressful?

Noel: That's so good! And you're absolutely right – it is a great practice to focus on others in a conversation. Most people like to talk about their interests, so if you find something someone is interested in, ask about it! I try to think of myself as a student of people – my goal is to learn as much as I can about them instead of focusing the attention on myself. If you're going to a gathering with a lot of people, it helps to take a buddy – then you can be each other's “wingman” and help get conversations going when there's a lull.

LWC: Do you ever replay the meeting or conversation in your head afterwards and wish you hadn’t said something or handled it differently? Or wish a performance had gone differently? Any tips to stop thinking about it over and over?

Noel: All. The. Time. If it's a situation where I kick myself for saying too much or saying something unkind, I find that seeking out the person one-on-one and apologizing – really owning my mistake and asking for their forgiveness – clears my mind right away. For performances, that's harder! In school I noticed I had a perfectionist streak a mile wide. I would get so embarrassed if I didn't sound a certain way or my voice cracked. As a voice major, you can't hide behind an instrument – your voice IS the instrument! So after a bad day in the practice room or a less than stellar performance, I would take walks – at the time I lived in San Francisco, 10 blocks from the beach. I would put everything down, walk to a park overlooking the ocean, and just stare at the water. I had to learn to recognize that I'm just a person – an imperfect human that is going to make mistakes. Then I had to practice harnessing my inner-Elsa and “let it go”! Recognize the mistake, figure out how to do better the next time, and move forward. Try again. And don't look back.

LWC: Do you recommend voice coaching even if we're not looking to be a singer or a professional speaker? If yes, what should we expect? What should we look for in a coach?

Noel: Absolutely! Voice coaching, or communication coaching as I do now, is not just for music majors. Communication coaching is more of a well-rounded approach to speaking. Voice coaching is not just training in using your voice. It's the nuts and bolts of the mechanics of how to breathe deep, relax, and speak with confidence. The communication coaching I offer also incorporates training in presenting yourself in any situation – from work to social gatherings – using confident non-verbal communication, body language, and even what you wear!

LWC: I could see having a communication coach would be so helpful because it's a safe place to practice and you're getting valuable feedback.

I know you’ve mentioned that practice is important. For situations when you’re out with a group, do you have any suggestions? Definitely we could visit the restaurant or location (meeting room) beforehand just so we’re not late, know where it is, or ease our minds that we know what to expect. Another one I thought of was maybe we could try to speak to more people when we’re out and about. For example, instead of going through the self-serve checkout, go through the cash register with a human instead and come up with a quick conversation (ask if they’ve been busy today, etc.) Or talk to people if they’re waiting in the same line as you. That way, it’s low stress because you’ll probably never see that person again and it gets you more confident speaking to strangers and being relaxed having conversations.

Any other ways you can think of to practice?

Noel: Yes! You're absolutely right! Those short interactions with grocery clerks and bank tellers are great ways to practice. You can also get a part-time job at a coffee shop or volunteer at a local food bank. Another fun place to volunteer is a local marathon or triathlon. They usually need a lot of help setting up event equipment, checking people in, tearing down event equipment – it's easier to interact when everyone has a specific job to do and a common goal! And it's inspiring!

LWC: That's a fantastic suggestion to be a volunteer. Good one. So glad you mentioned that one.

A lot of speaking to people I find is simply learning to overcome the “uncomfortable” feeling we all have to go through when we’re learning anything. Speaking in front of people isn’t something people are born being able to do. They practice it. You have to be willing to accept the uncomfortable feeling though. Also, push past that fear feeling of making a fool of yourself or “what will people think?” Let that go. You’re learning. You’ll make mistakes and you’ll get better at it. Every time you do it, you’ll become better at it.

You must have gone through this phase when you were doing your training. It can be so very frustrating when you’re learning especially when you’re at that stage when you understand what you need to do but haven’t been able to incorporate it yet.

Any insights you can share that have really helped you get past this?

Noel: It sounds so simplistic, but it really comes down to practice. Just like Michael Jordan wasn't “Chicago Bulls Championship Team” calibur when he first stepped out on the court, a person shouldn't expect to be perfect when they make their first presentation. We practice so we can engrain muscle memory – like Michael Jordan did with his practice free throws – and then we can focus on the important work of communicating our message!

LWC: Ah, yes, good old practice. It'd be nice if there was something we could take or wear that would instantly solve the problem but you're absolutely right, it's pushing past that initial feeling of discomfort and practicing in every way you can find. You could even record yourself on your phone and then watch it back so you can see how you sound and if you have any habits you're not aware of like wringing your hands.

I know I used to blush profusely if anyone ever said anything to me. For awhile, it was so bad that I could blush just standing by myself doing nothing. It was also so bad sometimes that people would make jokes about it. It made me so self-conscious and I didn't want to interact with people because I was afraid I might suddenly blush. It was really hindering me in having even the most basic conversations with people.

I finally did overcome it by just not worrying about it. I think I read an article that said most people see blushing as endearing or don't even notice. It also said that if you try to blush even harder, you can’t do it and it puts you in a different state of mind. But at first, I thought it was all people could see or think about me. Later, I’d realize that a lot of times people hadn’t even noticed my blushing because they were thinking about themselves. What they had noticed was me behaving awkward about my blushing and not understanding why I was acting that way. So, that’s part of it too, things we think are mistakes or blushing or stammering or any of the other things we beat ourselves up over, people don’t even notice. Or if they do, they forget about it 30 seconds later. They remember your personality more. Or how you made them feel. That’s a big one too. We’re doing better than we think a lot of the time.

Is there anything you want to discuss or include? Or other tips you can think of which might put people more at ease?

Noel: Take a look at my free resource “How to Eliminate Anxiety When Everyone is Looking at You”. Your readers have the option of booking a bonus call with me if they want to see if communication coaching is a good fit for them!

LWC: Wow, that's so nice of you to do that. Thank you! I hope everyone takes you up on your kind offer.

You have been so helpful today, Noel! Thank you so much. Having this information beforehand can completely change how we feel going into these types of situations. If we've practiced the breathing and know to do simple things like have water with us, that takes away a lot of stress. We can focus on enjoying the conversation instead of worrying about it.

And, the overall lesson is practice, practice, practice, anywhere and any way you can.

Thank you!