Always thinking the worst.

Hi,
I am 23 years old and wanted to first off mention how happy I am to have found this site. So, on with my problem/issue. I have been in relationships and like everyone else had my share of good and bad ones. My problem is, is that I always seem to focus on something bad happening when I meet someone new.

For instance, I met a guy while I was on vacation and he is from Europe. We clicked very well and had so much to talk about it. I was on vaca with my girlfriends, but ended up spending a lot of my time with him because something with him felt so different compared to any other guy I have dated or talked to.

Well, we both end up going our separate ways and giving one another contact information and he does email me when he got back to Europe (I live in the US). We have been talking for a few days and everything is/was going very well, then he told me he had to go out of town for a few days to a wedding. All that is running through my head is, "What if he meets someone at the wedding? What if he already has a girlfriend? What if he gets home and just ends up completely disregarding me? What if he doesnt answer my emails? What if? What if What if?

The reason I feel like this and why I have no positivity or confidence is because that is something that happened to me just a few months ago, I was talking to a guy everything was great, then out of the blue, just cuts off all ties. CAN ANYONE HELP? What should I do? What should I think? So many thoughts. Any feedback would help. Thank you!

Comments for Always thinking the worst.

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May 25, 2009
 A different way of thinking about it
by: Catherine

Hi,

I can see why the situation from the past might make you worried about it happening again. But, here's a different way you could look at that first event. You could see it as how lucky you were that happened.

1. His actions show you that something wasn't quite right with him. It wasn't about you. It was all about him. Maybe he was married or something and his wife found out. You don't want to date a guy like that so "What luck" that he disappeared so easily. He obviously wasn't right for you. So, no messy breakup, he didn't hurt you if you'd ever found out he was dating someone else or married, and also you didn't waste a lot of time and energy on someone who obviously was't right for you.

2. He disappeared at the perfect time. What luck! If you'd still been talking to him, you wouldn't have been open to talking to the other guy. You would have felt like you were cheating or that you shouldn't talk to the other guy out of loyalty for the first guy (who wasn't right for you). So, what luck that you didn't miss this opportunity with this great new guy because of the first guy.

3. What luck that you did have a "test run" of dating like that. It got you in the mindset to be ready for a relationship with someone else. He was just a practice one. What luck that was over before you found this much better guy.

So, see you could look at it as being very lucky. That things worked out absolutely perfectly so that you were ready to meet this new guy.

Next, focus on what you want, not don't want. Right now, you're thinking something along the lines of, "I don't want to get hurt". As long as that's what you're focused on, that's the direction you're going to go. You'll be driving yourself crazy wondering if he's cheating on you, whether you shouldn't be doing this, are you going to just get hurt, etc. Instead, think about what you do want. You want to get to know this guy better, you want to have a positive relationship. So focus on that and how would you do that? eg. maybe make plans to get together again.

Think of it as getting to know him and finding out what kind of person he is and whether you want to have him in your life. Not whether you're going to get hurt or not. It's just a matter of paying attention to what your thoughts are concerning themselves with. Keep focused on what you want to do (get to know him better). Let the fear thoughts go. They don't help you to go in the direction you want.

Good luck with it.
May 17, 2010
 Thank You!
by: Anonymous

I am 36 years old and still single. I have come to the realization that I have no confidence when it comes to dating. I want to thank you for your response, it has helped me understand what I need to do to progress in my dating life. Simply letting go of my fears is such a beneficial way to start.
Sep 30, 2013
 Thanks
by: Anonymous

I totally struggle thinking the best but I loved the lucky suggestions. I'm in love with an addict/lier. He puts on a nice big act for the world and then is a jerk to me, not all the time, just when he gets too close to me. I do think the worst. We are on a break right now and I naturally assume the worst, like he is out acting in all his addictions, but the truth is that he has never stopped. I'm thinking I'm lucky now because I don't have to deal with all of his crazy head games, lies and control and manipulations. I'm lucky because I'm more open to other options and if he can't get his life together then I won't end up with an abusive addict, that's really lucky. I'm also lucky because I'm finally focused on me, well I'm trying, and not him so I can get healthier. I'm also lucky because I have a much clearer mind because I'm not so wrapped up in trying to fix him, I know I can't anyways but in my sickness I tried. So, yeah, lucky indeed.

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