Am i Normal?

by Francesca
(Heartly)

Hi I’m 16, currently going through my GCSE exams!

I’m really confused with life, and I feel lost by the way people are behaving around me. Am I the reason why people treat me like this, what can I do I only want to make things better? Is it the way that I look? These are questions I ask myself daily, I really need someone to make it clear what I can do to improve my relationships with people so I can be happy- I always feel as if I’m trying so hard for people to be happy, it just always ends in disaster! And neglect!

The first few years of school I was extremely loud, having the best fun, had a group of 20 friends the popular group, who would be at the local park smoking and drinking (Realised now how ridiculous that was).

Then everyone started to grow up, things started to change, I realised how it was so Un-cool to smoke and to blare music out on buses, I wanted this to change, I could sense the future of what I would become if I carried on that way.(The girls back in the day i used to hang around with are now not turning up to exams, On the streets still, drinking, smoking and are even now taking damaging drugs).

But when the attention was forced onto New girls, the more grown up (By not smoking and they paid attention in school) we got pushed to the side; nobody was interested in us anymore. Are group split up in Half, I then was included in a small group, the same girls who I was with before. I made the greatest best of friend, we was with each other every day, Laughing non-stop literally (it seems now). At the time we were still not going places, No one wanted to know us and we wasn’t getting invited to the parties, I really wanted to have a better life, We become unhappy in the group and we split.

I was Devastated from the break, I was always looking for ways to make our life more exciting, I just wanted everyone to be happy (Is this bad?). We become un-happy, we didn't really go out much in the winter, no-one bothered with each over - I was still putting so much effort into them all, ringing them up trying to get them round, I just wanted to see my 'friends' but it was always something silly, 'my cousin is round so yea sorry I’m not able to go out' - But she actually is able. We always used to go out together - This excuse was for 2 weeks, It built up over months I just pretended to not notice-Although at home I was asking those same questions I am now. (When I was searching for ways to make the group happy this was because they would always be moaning about how boring and rubbish are life was, I wasn’t forcing them to do things they didn’t want to, I just simply wanted everyone to get on and be happy)

Was my choice the right choice?

It took me ages to get over the fact we weren’t able to be friends anymore, When she wanted to be my friend we would have the best times, I just couldn’t cope with the feeing of being used, I was only needed when she wanted me to - I felt as if it was always me trying so hard, like I had to convince her to come out before she would, but when we were together we seriously would not stop laughing? (I would convince her and try time and time again as I said we really did have fun in each others company, and I would never mention to her how I felt really, so it wasn’t my behaviour as a friend, I mean how could it be I was only ever there when she wanted and I wasn’t too pushy as I knew if I was to be the relationship would just be ended- Which I really didn’t want it to be as I would have no-one, I can’t stand the thought of being lonely)

So we broke up in December, me and my best friend. I couldn’t handle it any more and realised I shouldn’t have to put up with such an awful relationship. I then went to another girl, Emily, who was also apart of the group previously, but she was always best friends with Chloe, a girl from another group. I have known Emily since I was little. Emily and I joined onto Chloe’s group of friends; at first we had a strong, equal relationship. I was really happy and thought to myself I have found decent friends who are intelligent and do have a general understanding of how to treat people. But no I get left out all the time, none of them ever text me to see how I’m doing, Ask me if I want to go out. I always text them and see how they re doing, I do get replies and they act like my best friend to my face, but they are obviously faking it. I don’t know what to do. This new group of friends are not treating me right either, they seriously aren't I mean, none of them text me to see how I’m doing, they don't invite me out, but what’s more confusing is that they all pretend when I’m with them they really do like me.

Every relationship I’m in seems people pretend they really really like me to my face, Saying oh I enjoy myself so much when I’m around you, You're such a funny person, They make out they really enjoy my company. But then they will say ok I’ll ring you tomorrow I don't receive no phone calls. (By the way I don’t think I’m a bad person, I’m really nice to all the girls, I think me being to nice is the problem, and were I am always available to their needs they just take it for granted and pick and drop me when they want)

My school prom is coming up I have paid for a limo to go with these girls, I just want to enjoy myself, As I am moving to Spain and won’t see any body ever again. I do have over people I can go with, and I do have over friends, I feel as if I need these girls though, even though they make me feel bad? Is it best to just move on now and not even try to make things better, as I haven’t actually done anything wrong?

Throughout my life at Coopers school (At the beginning was strangely not the person I am today, as I naturally had people who wanted to be around me) I have put so much effort into people, Always being really nice, complimenting them all the time, just anything to try and make them feel good. I never get anything back and I still carry on.

I’m wondering how to find the real me, How can I get away from all these people, How I can make myself feel Happy? I just want to make myself feel good, but I do this by making over people feel good but it just doesn't happen. What is actually needed in life to remain happy? Do I need to put up with people like this? How can I make myself feel I don’t need these people anymore?
I would really appreciate it if someone helped me, as I am much stressed, and my phorasis (skin disease) is on an up-roar! Your opinions would really help thank you x