Anger

by Shal
(India)

I'm Shal from India. Always anger overpowered me till date. I try to get into meditation but unable to concentrate but still a bit found that i was not brought up in the manner i had to be. This is my guilt, or my emotions are coming out or i tried to know the reason of my anger or may be i'm blaming others without going deep into my self. I have 2 sisters and both are very intellectual. And i'm totally opposite to them. My parents tackled me like they do with other two. I think every child has its own characteristic and to be brought up accordingly. When ever i take independent decision i was discouraged due to my bad IQ and bad analytical skills. This makes me do the things which they impose on me and not that which i want to do. Hence i lose my confidence that i can ever take a good decision and if ever i take i shall always be wrong and become totally dependent on them for my every need. My nature became rebellious and i started looking for love outside my home. Materialistic or not didn't bother me. I had started an affair with one and then deceived then look for new one then met the same fate and goes on many a times. I know what i'm doing is wrong but still i need a person who can guide me with care and correct me by understanding me. I was not totally good in studies but my sisters were brillient. I love to write poetry, carplets songs etc but i have to give up my this hobby as my parents didn't like it. I'm afraid of doing things now feeling whatever i do is wrong. I'm now very pessimistic. Negative thoughts always surround me.If this is what i judges about me from my within and not the blame on others then i would like to get rid of it. Whenever i try to meditate i can't able to make a thoughtless situation with in me. All what i did in the past right or wrong - knowingly or un-knowingly, the guilts, the abuses, the rejections, surround me. I started hating myself. I curse my self that why i'm like this, why i'm unable to analyze the situations in best way, why i can give good answers, why i can't able to take correct decisions. And because of these demerits i'm not loved by my family and comparisons increased. The above are the reasons for the wrong steps taken by me knowingly. Now the situation is i stopped talking to every one in my home and totally cutoff. and try to be with my self. But as i'm working i'm very soft and well behave with outsiders. My son is becoming the target of my negative behaviour. I pour all my frustrations on him by abusing him on his small mistakes, throwing him away, slapping him, verbal abuses etc. I need to dicuss how practically i creat a thoughtless environment within me and become positive and save my child from getting ruined so he should not face the same situation i'm in.