Can I Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship with My Wife?

by Martin
(UK)

I'm 56 and have been married to my wife for 23 years. Recently our relationship reached a sudden low with my wife saying that I was miserly, fat, and someone she was ashamed of in front of her friends. I'm a PhD with a successful business career, now semi-retired, and her view took me aback. Initially I looked to myself and did find myself wanting, so I made some changes such as losing weight, not drinking, taking exercise, etc, but still things weren't right. I then turned to Catherine's publications and understood that I hadn't been truly myself for many years, having focused upon "getting on" meaning adopting the rule systems of my employers and the like. I have been working on this, but most recently, wondering why the relationship with my wife wasn't improving, I came across Attachment Theory that would classify me as Anxious and my wife as Avoidative. The received wisdom is that an Anxious-Avoidative relationship simply is not viable, but is that really true? I love my wife so much, and have been working so hard to set our relationship back on-track, it simply breaks my heart to think that it fundamentally can not work.