Forgiveness and domestic violence

by Megan
(Australia)

I need some relationship advice. I was with my ex for about 2 years. The relationship started off fine. He had recently separated with his wife of 12 years and I had been through a rather traumatic experience where I had moved interstate to be with someone to then be told after 6 days of being there that he didnt want to be with me anymore (and yes I can understand we both probably werent in the right headspace to begin a new relationship).

At the beginning he was very nice and gentlemanly and would buy me things and we even went overseas together (he paid for the holiday). After I moved into his house things began to change. We began to argue. During these arguments I tried to leave thr house and he wouldnt let me leave or if i did leave he would follow me or keep calling my mobile until i answered. Eventually we would sort it out and it would be ok again. The arguing still continued and his controlling behaviour continued.. On one occasion the police were called. The arguing soon became physical with him pushing me around. A couple of times i left overnight and stayed at a motel or somewhere.

After a few months we moved to a new town for work reasons, however the arguments and the physical and verbal arguments and controlling behaviouor still continued. Again on a couple of occasions the police were called with the police issuiing a domestic violence order. Again for work committments we moved to another town where we bought a unit together. The arguing continued and the pushing and shoving on one occadion turned into him grabbing me around the throat. On another occasion he used a kitchen knife to cut up 2 of my singlets.

After being there for a couple of months i made the decision to end the relationship and moved back to my hometown. I had attempt to leave a couple of times previously but everytime he followed me and said he was sorry and he would change etc. And i believed it.

We have been separated now for about 2 months and started communicating again "as friends" however he keeps pushing me to commit to giving him another chance and that he has been seeking counselling and knows what he did was wrong and has changed..

The problem i am having is i care deeply for him but i am not ready to commit to a relationship and go through all this again. I have tried explaining this to him and he in the beginning did seem to understand but he just keeps pushing the issue and even though we are only talking on the phone i get very frustrated and angry and we still argue. I am lonely and he is lonely and he thinks that we can sort it out but i honestly dont know what to do. Sometimes i think i am just agreeing to eveything he says because if i do it makes him happy but then i am unhappy and have had trouble sleeping and my eating is out of control. He had also been helping me financially which i know i shouldnt have accepted but i am struggling with huge debt.

I know all the arguing was not one sided and i contributed to the situation. This is just a really brief overall description.. It was a very difficult decision i made to leave. What also makes it hard is that i am unhappy with my current life. My job is ok but i am that far in debt i am struggling, i am lonely, i dont have any close friends that i can talk to about my situation.

Any advice is appreciated.