I must be a slow learner

by Sherri
(Georgia)

My "friend" who I will call Kim acts as if she wants to be my friend but in the end she has time for everyone/thing but me. We will make tentative plans to do something (our kids are friends) and then she will bag out because of other plans she's made. It's impossible to reach her by phone - home or cell to see if she really is available.

I really do like her and her husband and they appear to like us too but when push comes to shove we apparently rate right after cleaning the sock drawer. Why do I feel the need to make this work? Possibly because our sons (age 11) are in contact with each other. That continues the contact with us. I second guess myself and when I talk to her I get sucked back in. Of course there are feelings of "what is wrong with me" since she appears to have many other friends. This is ridiculous and probably a raging case of PMS and flashbacks to high school. We are 40 year old women and I should feel confident enough to say it's her loss. I don't want people to have this kind of power over me.

Ironically enough her son who is one of the three musketeers with my son is excluding my son and gravitating toward the other boy with invitations to play and to go off with their family. I guess he is learning from the master........

Feeling strung along is one thing for me but it's going to get messy if you start this with my son........

Comments for I must be a slow learner

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Jul 14, 2008
 friends that have no time for you
by: Catherine, www.Life-With-Confidence.com

Hi Sherri,

Your story actually reminded me of something I went through recently when I discovered that people seemed to never have time for me. They were always busy. I wrote about the experience here:
Mirroring - A key to understanding yourself

I figured out that I was causing some of the problems myself by how I was talking to people and telling them things like, "I know you're busy", "Don't worry if you don't have time". That kind of thing. Telling them that it wasn't important to spend time with me. So, that may be one aspect of what you're going through.

It might also just be telling you what kind of person Kim is and that she's not a good friend. How people treat others is a good sign of what kind of people they are. Some people just don't know how to be a good friend. Or she may be insecure and trying to be friends with all the "in" people, etc. There really could be a lot of reasons why it's happening and it could be a reflection on her, not you at all. Just that you need to decide what kind of friends you do want in your life.

Maybe you could encourage your son to make friends with some other people or get him involved in some different activities so he has the chance to meet other people than Kim's son. It'd be good if he could find some really good friends. Friends that really care about him and want to spend time with him and not treat him as unimportant.

You might want to read this list of Signs of a Good Friend as well. Then you can see if she meets the criteria of a good friend and you may also see that you've been a good friend to her and she hasn't been reciprocating. Friendship is definitely a two way street. You don't want to be in a relationship where you give and they just take.

Also, try the quick test from this article, Unhealthy Friendships - Why do we keep them? It might give you a different insight into your friendship.
Nov 18, 2013
 False Friends
by: Bill

My son has had similar 'friends'. He would always be canceled on or they would not be available resulting in frustration and tears. I encouraged him to really evaluate what a friend really is...then be the kind of person that he wanted to be friends with.
Ask yourself: Is this person interested in me or are they interested in what they can get from me. Do they rejoice with me, cry with me or even express an interest in what I do or my opinions?
Need new friends? Volunteering or getting involved in a sport or civic activity or joining a church is a great way to meet new people and discover new friends. Be vulnerable, yes, you may get hurt, but you may connect with like minded people that aren't 'users'

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