Narcissistic Sister

by Michelle
(Michigan)

I am in therapy to help me deal with anxiety/panic attacks and we are uncovering what a huge impact growing up with a narcisstic sister has had on my life.

I am trying to re-wire my brain so I can break free from the patterns that have been established between me and my sister since childhood. We are only 18 months apart and I am the older sister. We had to share a room through high school and I have been conditioned to respond in certain ways to protect myself. In other words, I was not given the opportunity at an early age to develop my own identity that was not chained the the "blamer." As an adult, I think that I may have assigned "the blamer" title unfairly to my husband and transfered my feelings toward my sister onto him. Wow -- I need to do alot of work!

This e-book is the most helpful piece of literature I have read that pertains to my situation. I am in the process of creating distance between us so I can work on rebuilding the way I look at myself in the world, separate from this ill person. It won't be easy as she is the master manipulator but I am continuing therapy and surrounding myself with positive, supportive people. Thank you so much.

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Mar 23, 2021
 Sister from Hell
by: Anonymous

I My parents are in their 80s. I have gone non contact with my sister. This sounds horrible, but when my parents pass I am terrified of the drama and nastiness that will come when we have to see each other again. My pain will of course be irrelevant.
Apr 09, 2019
 To Eve
by: Anonymous

So pleased that you have freed yourself from your ghastly step-sister without losing the love of your mother and other sister. As you say, now your dad is no longer there, you can go your own way and ignore her - I'd go non-contact and not reply to anything else she sends or to any suggestions of getting together as you know from experience that it would end badly again. I wonder why your mom doesn't try to discourage her and support you more when she bccs nasty messages to her - have you asked her to? She could be a great support by refuting the step-sister's abusive comments. Anyway, I hope this heralds a new era without this horrible person in your life. Since she is so much older, she may well be jealous of your youth, being not far off old age, and will only get worse as time goes on so move away from her while you can.
Apr 06, 2019
 Free at last but angry
by: Eve



Thank you all so much for sharing, I related to a lot and spent the last 2 nights reading every single post! I recently went no-contact with my sister who I'm convinced is a covert narcissist. She can be really funny and charming, and even affectionate and admiring, can be self-deprecating if it gets her laughs, so it took seeing her at her worst for me to really see it. She's 22 years older than me (we're half-sisters, same dad) so I didn't really get to know her until I moved back to my hometown after college. She stayed at our dad's on and off throughout my childhood, then flew back to the nest when I was away at college and stayed there (at age ~40), not working. At a certain point she started telling everyone she was "caring for" our dad, which my mom (her stepmom) told my dad she said and he was shocked by that. Just a justification for her living rent-free but she had to make it look like she was a martyr.

I kept her at an arm's length for a few years but not cut her out as it seemed extreme at the time. I always felt a little on edge around her but there was never a concrete reason to shut her out just vague bad feelings. She'd be subtly controlling, like sending follow-up "Hello?" texts if I didn't respond quickly enough, monopolizing conversations, constantly trying to reframe whatever we were talking about as if she were the expert doling out wisdom. And there were a few mini tantrums that she'd later apologize for, but her behavior never changed. Now she does the energetic healing work our dad used to do and thinks she is enlightened and superior to everyone, and has delusions of power as a witch. Denigrates most people as being "asleep" and thinks they're jealous of her because she's "free" and "awake." Any truly wise person would never speak that way about others.

When I got sober at age 25 (4 years ago) I had a feeling the relationship wouldn't last, because I was getting healthier on all levels and seeing more clearly. I didn't know what would happen and wasn't in a hurry for a big blow-out but the tension started rising as I became more assertive. Then about a month ago she found out I had plans with a mutual friend (who I've hung out with many times) and sent a series of crazy texts accusing me of having "agendas I wasn't even aware of" (what the f does that even mean??), trying to steal her friend. She was so condescending and accusatory it was shocking to me as she'd never been that outright aggressive to me before, more passive-aggressive. She pointed out that I will never be an equal friend to this woman that she was, which is just childish and besides which I never aspired to be in competition for her friend. Keep in mind she is 51 years old and saying these things! I do not resent their closeness at all but of course she was projecting her own fears of being left out on me. Probably didn't help that this woman is her only friend (I wonder why she doesn't have more...). At the end of this diatribe she writes, "end of texts" because of course she controls what the conversation is and when it ends, and god forbid I have a chance to respond. I told her to go f herself, then blocked her on my phone. I felt so relieved and light, though also angry at her insults, but her behavior was basically my excuse out of the relationship.

I did not block her on email since our dad was 87 and I knew he could potentially have healthy issues, and all the info about him went through this sister instead of his wife (again, control). A few weeks later she did email that he was in the hospital, and we were cordially communicating about his progress there. One day she emails me and our other sister to call her, and I just knew he had passed. So I unblocked her to call and she told me the news. She did apologize for her behavior and it seemed genuine, may have just been the circumstances though. We spoke in the days following to check in and it was okay.

We planned to have dinner to celebrate him, I had a bad feeling but seemed disrespectful to our dad to not go. So we went, I brought up our issues and she said some of the right things (and some off things), yet I left that dinner feeling just awful. She spent most of the time talking and talking, I finally got up to use the bathroom and when I came back said, 'anyway,' to start a new topic, and she ran right over me with 'anyway,' and continued on! She also went on a rant about my mom (her stepmom) which made me very uncomfortable but she has this quality where she talks and it's like you're under a spell, you don't want to hear it but it's hard to break into her monologue. I knew then that I did not want contact with her, but given our dad had just died I wasn't sure what to do if anything. I didn't reach out or hear from her for several days. Then she let me know she put notice of our dad's death on facebook and tagged me, and if I wanted the tag removed I should let her know. There was no going back to our fake relationship from before where I'd walk on eggshells trying to avoid her snappishness. I couldn't not mention that I didn't like her talking about my mom the way she did. I tried to be as neutral as possible, maybe it wasn't perfect but the way she reacted it was like I was the worst human being in the world.

At first she apologized, then in the space of 10 minutes went from that to sending 5 more texts all getting progressively nastier, talking about how emotionally immature I am, I can't stay a princess forever (this coming from the 50 y/o woman who has barely ever paid rent, whereas I've been independent since 22. Also she was bragging at dinner about being a princess in a past life lol!), I've never had compassion for her, etc. As to her previous rant I responded as logically as possible, saying I thought she'd wanted a real relationship (what she said at dinner), yet I was being real now and she was rejecting it. She comes back saying what I'm doing is not "real," it's just acting out (because she conveniently defines what is "real" for another human being apparently, and what a "real relationship" is - yikes), I just need someone to fight with, I'm trying to blame her, etc. All the things she's saying about me are so obviously true of her. When I told my mom and best friend everything she said, they both burst out laughing because it was so clearly her projecting her bad qualities onto me. Her criticism did get into my head a little before I talked to them, I wish it didn't but it's hard to completely shut it out even when you know better.

Anyway whereas before I would have ignored her, at this point I was sick of that tact and just kept responding logically, totally ignoring the attacks. I was sick of her always having the last word and bullying everyone into submission by being unpleasant. She changed tactic then (not used to me standing up for myself, maybe), and said 'ok maybe i got it wrong, sorry you didn't like what i said, that's too bad' (sarcastic). A few hours later I checked my email just out of habit, and there was a nasty email from her saying how she was just over it with me, I have no compassion, she wants nothing to do with me (good riddance!), I'm a nasty person, and she's going to email my mom telling her her thoughts on our conversation. Later my mom told me she was blind-copied on this email!

I know most people say there is no point in arguing with these people and I can see that, it's like arguing with a black hole, but I had never really let her have it so I finally did. I've never been so angry, with all the unfair baseless insults and condescending comments. I told her she was f-ing insane and hypocritical, that I was never nasty to her, and that no one is interested in her baseless analyses. Have to admit it felt good to send that. And she didn't have the last word for the first time ever.

I warned my mom the next day that she'd be getting an email from the crazy sis, and she said she'd received 4 messages, all crazy, just criticism of me with no actual substance or examples. She thinks she can turn my own mom against me by trashing me, it's delusional! Though based on many of your posts, I see that it does happen which is just awful. I'm so grateful to have family and friends who are truly supportive and have my back. I do not need this nightmare of a sister and I know once the anger passes I will feel more free than I have in years.

I hope we are all someday able to laugh at the insanity. I have found it helpful to learn more and confirm that her behavior has nothing to do with me, and that I couldn't prevent it. I can only keep my own boundary by not allowing her into my life under any circumstances. Now that our dad is gone there is no reason to put up with her. Also she has to lie in the bed she made. She has no one except this one friend and they have falling-outs all the time. Thank you all for your tips and links and sharing your experiences.
Sep 10, 2018
 Thank you...
by: Anonymous

...to the previous poster for your contribution. Your situation sounds so like mine and I can wholeheartedly identify with how you feel about your own future family event. I have now made the decision not to reverse our plans. All my (lovely) family agree with me and it is a big relief to know that I will not have to spend the next few months constantly trying to push anxious thoughts about the event to the back of my mind and probably not succeeding very well. I am in my 60s now and I truly believe that life is too short for one's life to be marred by unnecessary anxiety, caused on a whim by someone so toxic. I have stopped caring what anyone else in the extended family might think and, yes, it should be possible to still have something of a relationship with some of my nephews and nieces without the involvement of my own siblings. Thank you again and my best wishes to you in your own situation.
Sep 08, 2018
 my long-winded response :)
by: Anonymous

Well, it's been around 10 years since I first began to understand that "narcissism" was most likely the cause of my family's dysfunction for my whole life...and I've spent most of those 10 years absorbing every bit of information I could get my hands on and "re-wiring" my brain for more sanity. It hasn't been more than I'd say 6 months now that I've been feeling like I've "had enough" of putting so much energy and attention on trying to find some kind of answer as to "what the hell am I supposed to do with this twisted mess?"....and I've just...gone extremely low contact....some would even call what I'm doing "ghosting"...and I'm not generally a fan of people who "ghost" others, but I've finally accepted that this is the only option left...I just "avoid" family matters and conversations and contacts with just enough email communication to keep everyone "at bay"....HOWEVER!!!! ....getting to the reason for my reply to last poster..... Today I got a call from my ex-stepmother (grew up with her as second mom) who is considering a huge family get together in Puerto Vallarta in Dec of 2019 to celebrate her 80th birthday....She's sort of putting out feelers to see how many people might be interested in attending...and because I've spent many months sort of decompressing over a lifetime of angst, I almost temporarily "forgot" what it would be like to spend that much money...and have to take that much time off work (meaning less ability to pay for it) to spend FIVE WHOLE DAYS right in the middle of what I've spent a lifetime trying to save myself from. My step-mother is not a narcissist, but that stop the family insanity from opperating as it always has.... I initially told her it sound like fun (and it does! ...if I could just delete the dysfunction!) but then after a few hours of the idea "working on me" I started to feel myself going right back into that tortured "no way out" stressful mindset...remembering the actual REALITY of how harmful it is to me, and how I've commited to taking care of myself first from now on....and how I HAVE TO for my own health and sanity at this point. My advice to you previous poster....for whatever it's worth....Choose whatever option feels more like "self care" and "self love".....do NOT worry about the perceptions of others.....If you have a narcissist working to manipulate their perceptions, you stand very little chance anyway with many of them....And maybe you could find a way to visit with or otherwise communicate (at some other time) with those family members you feel are less affected by whatever "rumors" (subtle or otherwise) your narcissist is spreading. One blessing about this type of scenario is you get to find out who is intelligent, caring, and "solid" as a true human, when the narcissist has turned everyone else into their flying monkeys. I had the same thought about potentially having to spend the next YEAR wondering what the right choice is re: the Puerto Vallarta trip...but I'm going to REFUSE to step into that drama. It may exist "behind my back", but I've come to understand it doesn't really matter what I do...the narcissist will find a way "use" it. I've just stopped caring and started focusing on what makes me happy. Easier said than done, I know, but I'm here to say it IS possible...eventually... Love yourself...Respect yourself...regardless of what negative things anyone may (or may not!) believe about you...More than half of the narcissists power comes from making you worry about these things unnecessarily. If you learn not to, and instead, do what you love, they've lost a good chunk of their power to hurt you.. Wishing you all the best...
Sep 08, 2018
 Wedding
by: Anonymous

My family and I have been sent a 'save the day' for the wedding of our nephew in a few months time. We actually have a family holiday booked for then so have said we can't go though, with quite a bit of trouble, we could explore changing the holiday date. The nephew has been fine and very understanding about it and, whatever happens, I will wish them both well and send a generous present. The trouble is that my narcissistic sister will be present. She caused me untold misery two years ago when she vengefully smeared me to the rest of my extended family, including my siblings, effectively cutting me off from them. The only way I could keep myself sane was to go non-contact. Now, I find the thought of seeing her (and my siblings) and having to cope with her hoovering manoeuvres in a lovely social setting is making me very anxious. Although I would like to hold my head up high and go, to show that I have nothing to be ashamed of and that I am still the decent person everyone previously thought I was, I feel the stress of this hanging over me for the next few months could actually harm my health. One thing that puts me off is that I have no idea if any further nastiness might rear its ugly head in the period between now and the wedding and, if it did, I could bitterly regret changing our plans.

If it was you, would you keep to the holiday plans or be brave and try to attend?
Jul 01, 2018
 Dear, sleep deprived....
by: Anonymous

That sounds horrendous. You need to find a way to get yourself out of there. Maybe talk to a therapist? Maybe get some advice from a women's shelter about whatever resources might be available...(whether legal (to untangle you from the co-ownership of the house),emotional (therapy)...or just some practical advice on where you might begin. No one can function properly when sleep deprived. Or if you have any other family you could stay with temporarily while figuring out what to do about the house (maybe she could get a room-mate and buy your half out?) You need some kind of solution but first you need some good sleep and some sound advice from someone who can understand the situation.
Jul 01, 2018
 Chronic sleep deprivation from narcissistic sister
by: Sleep deprived younger sister

My problem is my older sister and I didn't see the pattern until years after we bought a house together and I can't afford to move out. this is my older sister who was always much bigger than me because the parents let her take my food regularly - and even yank my plate away when whe finished her portion at restaurants. She would punch me to make me do her chores and carry her backpack to school, so I had to wear two backpacks at once (one on my stomach). We couldn't afford our own houses so we pooled out money to buy one to share. Now she has deprived me of sleepn for 4-5 years. I haven't slep fpr more than 2 hours at a time without interruption. She always has some excuse to barge into my room and tell me to wake up in the middle of the night. She constantly has unreasonable demands and I don't have a lock on my door so I'm thinking of threatening to get a restraining order against her. I think the sleep deprivation is her way of making up for not being able to attack me physically and verbally anymore because I despise her now. She gets away with messing with my sleep because I'm too tired to defend myself. I'm sick and tired every day and she's pissed that I don't make as much money as I used to. She is such an ugly selfish person I constantly fantasize that she will die of a heart attack or something because she's so fat from making me do all the hard work for her entire piggy life.
Jun 26, 2018
 Manipulative, jealous, entitled, sister
by: Anonymous

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and I'm thankful to end up here and spend the rest of my afternoon understanding a situation I thoight I was only experiencing on my own. I'm a middle child and I live with the rest of my sisters. I admit that I do have my bad side too because who doesn't? My earliest memory of this sister is when I was just a grade schooler and we were playing and then tension started which I think was still an innocent misunderstanding. But alas! It was a foreshadowing of our lives in the future. To sum it up, I just think that my sister and I were conpletely different. We were stuck in this tricky system called family but I feel that we were just miserably stuck with each other(can't blame her even). I could get along with the rest of my sisters even though they could be nasty at some point, but with her, there was no point at all. The tension grew more when we were in highschool. Teenagers we were, our relationship revolved around competition and petty show-offs. She adapted this "bitchy primadonna attitude" to provoke me. Since I'm the type of person who gets annoyed easily, I tried to do the same thing(see how she also made me be like her?) I had this sibling whom I'm close with, because we're fraternal twins. What she does is she singles her out and bonds with her. She finds humor in all things even if it sounds made-up when she's with my twin just to make me feel jealous. She does this EVERYDAY EVERY MINUTE that she has. I had this plush toy which was with me ever since I was a baby and I loved it. I even named it and played with it with my twin when we were little. What I noticed was that she refused to call my plush toy the name that I had given it. She made it different. She created her own world, denying my plush toy's reality and mine. I only realized this when I was older. This attitude was a low-key behavior that she persisted to show to invalidate my existence. Later on, I also harbored anger with my twin because I felt that she changes whenever she's with this other sister. My twin sees to it that my other sister is served first before me or her. I hated it and I felt completely bad when my twin and I fought because that would automatically mean that she would team up with my other sister and this is the nastiest scenario of betrayal that I ever had. As for me, I turned into this desperate person and tried my best not to upset my twin just so we would not fight and she wouldn't team-up with my other sister. Up to now, I'm ashamed of myself having to be like that. But during those times, that meant so much toe or I wouldn't survive my emotional pain. The scenario worsens because this sister is the youngest in the family. She's close to my mother(which I have observed has been the most common case for everyone here). What I noticed was that my mother never did anything. I don't know if she's aware at all or just being blind. She had this behavior whivh I think made this sistwr of mine feel special even more to the point that she thinks she should not be messed with. My mother gives her the best portion of food and things and made sure she was served first before us. I felt bad because this empowers my sister even more. She wanted to be first in everything. First to choose the items that were bought for us. I forgot to give you a contect because this might help. I'm not the most brilliant individual ever but I had received honors in school when I was a child until highschool. There was a point in our lives that we patched things up. I was completely happy because everything felt alright. There were no more competition which wore me completely. Now that we're college students and my academic life was much better than her. She was the apple of the eye of my father before but things turned different and it shifted to my elder sister. Throughout the years that we were good with each other, I promised to myself that I'll make up for her but things never worked out pretty well for us. She started to exhibit her manipulative and insecure side once more. I remember myself having to sacrifice my happiness just to uplift her. I was proud of what my life has become but I had not felt the complete positive feeling just so she would not feel bad and down. She criticized my musical tastes. Just so she wouldn't feel insecure, I played her playlist instead. I gave in to every possible situations that were before us. I always did just so we could be better. She then tried to get my twin on her side once more which brought all the pain of my childhood. I discovered now that my twin was easy to manipulate so she had won her favor than mine(I was a headstrong person so she we clashed because she finds it hard to dominate me completely). I also grew up to be the person who finds it completely hard to express my feelings openly to my peers even to my twin. So when I want to open my twin's eyes to my other sister's doings, I always do it indirectly. I make her feel that she's being manipulated like getting angry with her. I couldn't confront her. When my sister manipulates my twin, it's the only time that I could see the situation clearly. My twin was also a victim. She put my other sister's happiness before her and this makes me angry at my twin. I was angry because it didn't make sense at all. We were both putting my other sister on the pedestal so she wouldn't be upset. I felt like I was being watched all the time. She always wanted to know what I watched, ehat I did, what I ate, what I wore. She wouldn't let a day pass without knowing my whereabouts. She's upfront about it. She ate what I ate and made sure that I saw this. She would eat before my eyes even if I ignore her. She provoked me. I asked myself, had I ever made her feel left out with my twin before that she also insists being so manipulative? Was it my fault after all that I had a twin? If she had EQ, she would have understood that my twin and I will always have that special relationship. Was it my fault that my life has been better? I've always wanted to be this person who wants to be kind despite my character. I've always believed in goodness. She was this type of person who was frank and headstrong as well. I was in my own way different from her and I felt secure about that. I wasn't frank enough but I was empathetic. My mother also made this remark before that my tein and I should embody my sister's frankness and being headstrong, but deep inside, I felt at ease with myself because I know myself more and I don't want other people to change who I was. I also found one article in the Internet today how one should not let this manipulative sibling know your vulnerable side as they will completely use this against you. I agree with it. I ranted out my feelings to her and my mother but nothing changed at all after. She remained the same. Although I don't recommend this, I've experimented with things lately. One of these were turning the tables on her. I did what she did to me and I've seen changes with her. She wanted to control me more but she also backed up a bit because my twin and I are now against her after years of being victims. She would become silent in a corner but she returns to being one after everything subsides. She's become more cunning and creative with her actions because she finds that I'm not in her control anymore. What she does to feed her insecurity is to annoy me day by day with out-of-this world things(we still live in the same room btw). She observes my daily activities and when she sees a pattern, she decides to intervene and destroy my day. But ever since, I've bevome smarter. I strived to outsmart her(I did most of the time). She feels bad about this because being the narcissist that she is, she doesn't want to feel the loser. I also observed one characteristic of her which is similar to the comments here. She's overly entitled. She doesn't help out on the chores at home. She wants to be treated like a princess. She wants everything prepared for her. I tried to destroy this pattern once. Because ahe always wants to be treated first, it irritated her when I strived to be first. She wore me out completely. I do feel exhausted but I am determined to fight for my happiness. If only I could support myself financially, I would have moved out. And yes, like you all said, I would be left without family. That would be sad but I rethought and reevaluated everything. If my family believed in me once, would I regret leaving? It will be sad but after everything, I will and will always choose to walk away and be free rather than feel bad every single waking day.
Jun 11, 2018
 Re 2 now 1
by: Milly

Agreed - this sort of situation is almost like a bereavement, not just because the loss of contact and friendship you had with other members of the family is very stressful but because it is also tainted with extreme toxicity. You often read how awful narcissistic relationships between spouses are but it can be just as painful, if not more, when it is family as you don't expect to ever have to cut contact with them. Additionally, other people who haven't been affected don't understand how you can take such a momentous decision.
Jun 10, 2018
 2 now 1 is Exhausting
by: Anonymous

I shut my older sister out of my life 12mths ago. She had been on Antidepressants for 15 years and decided she was going to self-medicate her mental condition in an 'all natural' way. But unfortunately her severe Narcissistic Personality came back and I remember my youth dealing with this Bully of a sibling, and now at the age of 42 I am not the little girl who was faced with such abuse, had to share friends and handle a jealous demanding sister anymore. She involved our parents (which I expressed my desire to leave them out of my decision) thinking that they would disown me and take her side, but unfortunately they did not see this situation her way at all and now 12 mths later my parents have had to disown her also as her abuse and lies have become too much for them to understand or handle and my Mother has had Counseling to move on with her life.
This leaves only me for them to lean on in their twilight years and I live over an hour away, where as my sister is 10 min down the road from them. They have had to implement a new system go about their lives without being able to call on her in emergencies or just general needs and I am now exhausted trying to be there for them to take up the slack of not having 2 daughters to rely on.
No one is a winner in these situations and the only way forward is to cut these life sucking people out of your life, but with the quiet
un-stressful aftermath there is a hole to fill especially if your family is small and have always had only each other to lean on.
Jun 09, 2018
 Recommended Videos
by: Anonymous

Here is a video you could watch to help you get a better idea if you're a narcissist: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aa75ynfu4WI.
Melanie has many videos on narcissism and codependency....I also recommend any of Kim Saeed's videos....You can find a list of them here: https://www.youtube.com/user/LetMeReach/videos
The comment I'd really like to make though, is that "it's been said" that narcissism and codependency are two sides of the same dysfunctional coin, and if you grew up with a narcissist in the family, there's a good chance it had a detrimental effect on you, making it likely that you at least have some co-dependence issues...and it's even "possible" that you could be a narcissist as well. None of us here can diagnose you, but chances are, if you truly want to know...and are willing to do some digging and healing....you are probably not a full-on narcissist. We all have a certain amount of narcissism...there is even what's called a "healthy" amount of narcissism...So don't be afraid to investigate. There is so much great information on youtube and elsewhere online. The reason I recommended the two people above is because it's very tempting for those of us who have been abused to seek out those who will validate our vilification of "the narcissist in our lives". This is understandable, and can even sometimes be a necessary step just until we have learned to fully accept that we were, in fact, abused....but ultimately we need more than someone validating our victim-hood because we can't move forward without taking ownership of and responsibility for our own learned patterns of coping with our families. The two women I've listed above, I feel take a healthy approach...validating abuse...but also not afraid to be 100% open about the parts the we ourselves play in the cycle of abuse. Best of luck!
Jun 07, 2018
 Re Narcissistic sister
by: Millee

I'm not sure at all that you are the narcissistic one. If you were, it wouldn't even cross your mind that you could be. Someone with traits of narcissistic personality disorder are always sure that they are right and never consider anyone else's viewpoint. They try to validate themselves by smearing the person they are trying to devalue. Are you sure there isn't some narcissism going on with your difficult sister and she has somehow got the others thinking that you're the one who's the problem? If you are feeling marginalized, you're almost bound to try to become more involved. The fact that they say they think you're selfish could just be a sign that they don't like you trying to break into their smug little coterie.
Jun 07, 2018
 the Narssistic sister's view
by: Anonymous

I Think I could be concidered the "Narssistic sister". I live in Another county than my family and feel so lonely sometimes. I am oldest of 4 sisters. When I am visiting we get along so it isn't that we fight. But Before visits I tend to make demands and they feel I am being selfish. Because I do not get to spend all the ball games and cookouts with them I feel left out so when I plan to come I want to have that time that they all had.
Right now I am angry with one of my sisteres because she doesn't let me into her Life. I talk about emotional things happening to me and my family and all I ever get about her Life is events. No emotion. My mind works overtime trying to figure out what is going on in her Head and she tells me I am trying to Control her and tell her she has something wrong. In my head there is something wrong when you can't let someone you love into your emotional Life. If I didn't love her I wouldn't spend time trying to find out what is going on. I live in fear that soon she is going to cut me out of her Life. She has done it to our father after he revealed that he has 2 more kids that could be our grandkids.
Do you see a pattern here? Fear, lonlyness,maybe wanting to Control because of feeling of being out of Control. We "narssistic" sisters just want to feel needed and loved. We need proof that we are loved so we push the other untill they show it or leave us. If they would help us know we are loved and help us love ourselves then there would be no problems and everyone would be happy.
Jun 03, 2018
 So very similar
by: Anonymous

I will write more later... but your story is my story, and now I’m seeing a good therapist at$200 an hr to tell me my life script and about my narcissist sister. Which is a personality disorder that no matter how hard you try ... to be nice... to think if I just do this she’ll be nicer... no. It doesn’t work that way. I will share more later, just stumbled upon your sight and it’s late.
May 28, 2018
 Heart breaking
by: Anonymous

I have had no contact with my older sister for a year now, she was just so toxic to my life I put up with it until she betrayed my daughter and tried to tell my now husband that I was mad and I just thought enough is enough! And since after having read up on Cluster B personality disorders, I am horrified to look back on all the other things she has done to me since I was born really! I'm gutted I just loved her and it is heart breaking to know that there is no other resolution but to cut her out of my life! Having said that I have had the most peaceful year of my life so it has its up sides 😀
May 14, 2018
 I dont know what to do?
by: Anonymous

Well I went over there yesterday Mothers Day as mom wanted us all together to hash out our problems with each each and other how we feel, and what is bothering us everybody showed up ...let me tell you it was 1 big screaming and yelling match you did this and you did that, NARC sister and her daughter dragged everything up from the past a itemized list what everybody did , each individual sibling
going way back to 1970's and early 80's everybody acccording to narc sister treated her shitty . I told her the past is the past get over it, all you ever do is bring up each siblings pasts which was mostly bad and throw it in his or her face, we are no longer those people we all apologized to you over & over, but then you get this crappy atttitude and start attacking us, you get real shitty, then you throw our past up in our face why what is your problem? Then she said I ignore her son and his new wife I told her some of us here where not invited to his wedding what did we do to him, we dont even know his wife? she couldnt even look at me, I then said, you 2 are no angels you 2 have skeletons in your closet and are not perfect and that they might need some mental help,she just screamed she hated all of us. And after she and her daughter finished screaming at everybody they just got up and before they left NARC sister screamed at my mom "you are bat shit crazy & senile" and that more or less she can go to hell because mom let everybody ganged up on her & her precious daughter who by the way is a NARC also,she cant mind her own business got to be the center of attention and thinks the world revolves around her,, we all think she likes to stir the hornest nest and enjoys it, she has kids and single and over the age of 30 and still lives with mommy & daddy.So it was a very crappy Mothers Day to say the least,the rest of us sibling get along fine it's just when them 2 enter the picture its a hornest nests set on fire, ruining whatever occasion we were celebrating ,so we just do as we were before without the NARCS invited and everything is fine.I hope my mom knows there will be no family get togethers like she wants ,this is the way it is.
May 13, 2018
 Re I don't know what to do
by: Milly

It sounds as if your mom just wants all her children to get on because she can't bear the fact that they don't. I think this is common - she probably wants to pretend everything is OK and for you all to do the same (my mom was like that). From what you say, there is no hope of improvement in their behavior and mom is used to your sister bullying her. Would it work for you to go to see her on your own and say that you want to keep seeing her regularly but it can't be when the others are there because they upset you too much, you wish it was different but nothing will change?
May 07, 2018
 I dont know what to do?
by: Anonymous

My brother had a birthday party for one of his kids over the weekend,and my mom made the comment to my siblings and me saying ...this is so sad that your other sister and her family are never at any of our get together's and all future celebrations ?,then she goes on she has no family left all her siblings are all dead and gone and that she is the last sibling that is still alive.Then in the next breath she said can we all please meet up at her house next weekend and hash out our differences with the NARC sister and her family ? And then we can have future family get together's that would include all of them?I didn't know this, but my sisters oldest son is now my brothers best friend they hang out together a lot apparently,well him & his wife was at this birthday party also which I was kinda blown away, my sisters son were not speaking to any of us all this time, now to show up at the birthday party ?, and both of them did not say hello or nothing to me, just ignored me and another sibling like we did not exists,I told my brother watch out he could be reporting all the goings on and what is said about "the narc family" back his mother information is ammunition.!.
I told mom, have you forgotten what my sister said to you during and after the hurricane that was last Sept 2017 to be exact ? She called you bat shit crazy senile to all her friends and to your face?And my mom sat in my house crying over what my sister said to her, has she totally forgotten? Mom did not say anything . Mom knows that my sister and her daughter are NARCS and master manipulators,liars,backstabbing,belittling,bullies.And I am done with it all ! My health is not good and stress is not good for me. I have a rare disease and stress is not good for people with this disease,my life is very happy and peaceful, same goes for my kids since we cut my sister and her clan out of our lives over 2 years ago we have been happy. And having another get together,I think is a big waste of time,we have done these pow wows at least 5 times now and they always promise to behave well 3 or 6 months later, they are back at it. They will never ever change unless they get mental help, because they think they do no wrong everybody else is crazy not them. And my ex sister and her daughter are very heavy into the occult and tarot cards and told my mom that our deceased dad who has been gone over 26 years now comes to see her and she talks with him! I don't know what to do ? I am tired of being bullied,betrayed and back stabbed, btw I was bullied everyday in school, now my adult life being bullied by my sister and her family.
I should not have to live like this nor should my grown kids ,nothing nice is ever said about me and my kids,according to the narc family.. my kids are worthless bums,and narcs children are angels and do wrong and highly educated.My step father who says nothing or gets in between this, told my mom at the birthday party to drop it leave it be,it will never change so face up to it.I was kinda shocked by his statement. But yet here it is Monday am and she called me asking me again, to come over next weekend ,I told I will think about it,I just don't know what to do? They have no respect for anybody or boundaries .And they have caused me nothing but pain.
May 02, 2018
 Narcissistic older sister
by: Anonymous

Wow, I lie in bed at night thinking how miserable my childhood was & how it’s impacted my life from my narcissistic sister. The posts I’m reading sounds like I wrote them myself. I’m 50 years old and finally seeing the light on what this really is. It’s caused me emotional & physical pain almost daily for a decade or more. I’m youngest of 4, 3 older sisters who bosses me around and never let me have a voice. I’m too "stupid", young or whatever they labeled me to have any input on family matters. I too, didn’t do "as instructed" by one of my sister’s when I ended an abusive marriage while pregnant. I was told to abort my child. That was 25 years ago. That sister has been in and out of my life for a total of about 2 years since then because when I think she’s "matured" now, 7 years older than me, she spews hate about my son, makes up horrible lies and causes me great pain. I’m in therapy but I think about it everyday & ask god why my family is so miserable. It’s clear now that she is very narcissistic. I’ve been nothing but loving to my family and I’ve got nothing in return. I reach out to my other sisters only to have them not talk to me for years at a time because they have a strong hatred for me. It’s upsettinh because we are all getting older Last time I spoke to the one sister who told me to abort my child, I got physically ill. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel better.
Apr 30, 2018
 Response to Lee
by: Anonymous

So sorry you've been dealing with this for so long. Your sister sounds very much like one of mine. Yes, happy to come to the rescue so everyone can see how wonderful they are in some sort of crisis (when it should just be done bc they love you and want to help you). Then on top of that comes all the unsolicited advice on how you should now be living your life & of course she's going to tell you how to best do that- as opposed to being there to support you emotionally through a tough time. And then when you don't do what she wants/how/when....if she's anything like my sister, well then she's washed her hands of you now! Suddenly you've become worse than gum on the bottom of her shoe and she can't wait to get rid of you. Mine has gone so far as to spread lies about me because I had the audacity to stand up to her and tell her no! Lies that were/are highly destructive and that she shared with my parents... who bc I had things going on in my personal life they did not know about (nor did she) that they choose to believe her because I was not my constantly happy happy self. The manipulations are hard to get around.

As another poster after you stated, my mother has been isolated a bit from me. I believe now that my messages are getting deleted as my mother has said on numerous occasions she doesn't hear from me, never got messages. It's an insidious thing. No one has the right to mess with another individual like that. These are behavioral disorders and you can not get through to them, they truly don't care. They feed off of the pain and suffering they cause you- don't give them that chance.
Apr 29, 2018
 My sister the narcissist
by: Nina

Omgosh, I too have now realized what my sister is -since grade school . I knew something was wrong growing up w/her .Realized she told lies to family members , friends etc & still is the same .
She is manipulating, no empathy. We are victims of narcissist $ . I felt vindicated when I found this info out - but more victimized . I m in therapy too for this . Don’t know to what extent the damage she has done . Way back nobody believed me about all the mean things sis would do .
Thanks y’all for sharing - I can relate to what you’re saying .
Thanks for letting me share ✌🏼
Apr 23, 2018
 ABUSIVE SIBLING
by: Anonymous

Basically same boat here to the point the sibling abuses and neglects our elderly mother. Our mother lies to protect her, throws me under the bus by flipping the sister's behaviors onto me and plays it like a game, not holding the sibling accountable for any damage she does and continues to do. Its very apparent that both mother and sibling have some mental health issues going on and I am the scapegoat. My last straw was finding out our mother allowed the sibling to shove me off the contact list leaving sibling in control over medical care however when I took her to medical appointments the sibling's name had to be mentioned so heavy favortism because the man she lived with was siblings father, I was the result of rape by one of his brothers so at this point it is what it is but thinking I need to stop being available every time she's crying after contact with sibling and just let her suffer in it.
Apr 16, 2018
 Narcissistic sister impacted my life for 47 years!
by: Lee

I have had a lifetime of an older sister belittling me, abusing me, manipulating family members. I’ve had anxiety attacks over visiting her, walked egg shells around her, other other family members telling me to give into her demands to keep the peace.
She has delighted in my divorce and " came to my rescue" only to be there to belittle me and tell me I’m irresponsible and a bad example for my children. She lost her mind when I refused to give into her demands of throwing away 1/3 of my household items and give them away to charity ( she is quite rich and recycled her furtniture frequently). Her latest trick was ensuring not to invite me on a sisters trip with two of my other sisters and inviting her friend along to take my place! I got to find this out from my mother on Easter morning. She is extremely hurtful and never has wanted a real relationship with me only one of superiority. I have no choice but to cut her out of my life, I’ve tried hard to have my kids be present in her kids lives to no avail. I give up, she is completely full of herself and her power over the others in our family.
Mar 12, 2018
 Re Middle sister
by: Milly

Isn't it astonishing the way family members can, firstly, behave in such an overtly nasty way and secondly (and this is what enables it, be in no doubt) that other family members can just turn a blind eye? One can only presume that those people don't want to stick their heads above the parapet or get in the nasty sister's bad books so they just ignore it and it becomes acceptable. If you make a fuss about it, you'll be labelled the drama queen and will cause embarrassment so you just have to put up with this horrible bullying.

There really is no way out of this except to step to one side, distance yourself and not engage. Don't argue or defend yourself. Just say nothing and make your own way. She wants you to feel hurt so she excludes you from events with mom, and all the other stuff she does. Mom lets her do this (perhaps she has dementia and doesn't realize what's going on? If she does realize, she's as bad as the others).

It was similar for me - I was the bad guy for stepping aside and not communicating with the conspiring siblings who left me out of their communications and made out that it was I who was behaving badly. I made my own arrangements with my mom to see her (they lived near her but I was a couple of hundred miles away so I had to arrange to stay with her or vice versa). I don't know how much Mom knew about the split, if anything - I told her nothing and she did have a degree of dementia so it was easy for them to pull the wool over her eyes if they wanted to.
After she died, that was it - it was impossible to resume a friendly relationship after all the overt nastiness - I mean, why would you? Then the hoovering started - pseudo-friendly attempts to get me back in the fold, pretending nothing had happened so she could then tell people that there had been a falling-out but she was prepared to let bygones be bygones and I wasn't. She's such a fake. That's where we are now but I feel free of her. There isn't a day goes by when I don't go over all the injustice in my head but I try hard to let it go and get on with my life as there's so much to enjoy without her around. I know she'll continue to pop up with an unnecessary email or text but I shall continue to ignore them. To respond would be seen as a win for her, feeding her narcissistic supply. I haven't argued with her or been unpleasant myself at all so I know that I am completely in the right whatever she might say to others. If I have to be somewhere she is, like a wedding, this is as yet untested but I intend to treat her like someone I only know vaguely i.e. minimal conversation and make sure I'm not left alone with her (who knows how she could represent that to others?), spending time chatting to other people.
I hope you can also get to a safe place where you feel you can have control of your life without your ghastly sister getting in the way.
Good luck.
Mar 10, 2018
 Middle Sister Wants to Control Me
by: Jenna

I am the oldest sister. I was conditioned to be their caretaker and to defer to them. Yet we grew up relatively happily together. It's just the unresolved edges seemed to grow in adulthood. There has been a lot of controlling and manipulative behaviour by the middle sister. Most people call her the boss. She imposes her wishes opinions and attitudes on others by making aggressive and frightening scowls of disapproval (I'm not kidding...it's quite effective with our Mom and other sisters and in past with me), derisive snorts, recruiting extended family members to suppory her with defamatory tales and comments, threatening withdrawal of support, and ostracism, dismissal and ignoring any conventional politeness, sabotaging ones relationships and failing badly to observe other people's space and boundaries. I have tried everything from reason, letting her call shots, staying away or refusing to be engaged I. Arguments etc to no avail.She now ususes my 87 year old .on as a paw. to punish me for not submitting g to her control...spiriting her away with my only other sister for mother's days and mom.s birthdays all day on those days with my Moms approval to exclude only me. Hurt a lot and all started when mgy Dad passed awY
Feb 27, 2018
 NARC sister and mother
by: Anonymous

have tried to break ties with them and somehow they manipulate, bully, guilt trip, and call me several times until I finally give in. I have not spoken this time to them since Oct of last year 5 months. I can’t tell you how many calls and hate letters, private fb messages that I have received to the point. What finally made me decide to break ties completely is because my mom said to me that I should not have allowed you to marry him and still to this day should not have let you. I said wow we he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are just made because he gave me oppurtunities and you have no control over me or our grown kids. She said she was teaching me a lesson that if I got married to him I would come to them because I chose to move away. I told her at that point well I am done coming to you guys and I am done with this toxic unhealthy relationship if you could call it that. I told her I was done trying and would not be putting anymore of my investment,time, efforts or energy in people that are not interested in a 2 way street. I finally decided things have got to stop and change. The only way that thing are going to change is if I completely break the ties and change it myself. What caused this flair up was In Aug our kids and husband gave me a surprise birthday party and there were over 45 people that traveled to come be apart of that special day. Those 2 were here, but you could really feel the hatred they both had because I created a healthy, loving, safe family they can’t stand it that I have people that love me and wanted to come and be apart of this very special day. They did not just travel a couple of hours,but plane rides coast to coast. My mom also said those friends are not really your friends they are only surface friends. They only like you because you have money. All of these people have been in my life for over 20 plus years. We have traveled together with a lot of them thru the years. In Sept the temper tantrum started, all because I wanted to spend the day with my mom. In sept I had a major surgery and my sister there again selfish said I could care less about your surgery or your recovery. My mom sided with her and said I should have answered her phone calls.

I know they think they are right in all they do and I need to come to my senses to fall to there feet. I have tried and tried and finally walked away for good.
I hope the things I have wrote here make sense and someone else can have some hope that you can move forward. I look at both of them and just feel sad they can’t see what they have missed out. They do see it, but they want me to pay for my sins for moving away. My phrase is they can't see the forest thru the trees. I know they will never truly leave me alone, because they are not happy unless they are making others miserable. I have truly come to terms and have been ok without them. You can’t lose something you never had is the way I look at it. They were never supportive of my life nor cared anything about what I was doing or what achieving goals our kids. Even though I gave them opporturtunity. I went out to see them wherever we lived at least 3 to 4 times a year and every summer while the kids were little spent month in the summer. Don’t get me wrong it is still sad and hurts. I just have figured out a way to finally say I have turned every rock every stone. If I am the one with the problem why do they keep calling, fb, letters. Like I said they are most happy when they are harming others.

My mom knows that I am done that is why she keeps calling me. Just to let you know I would never get a call but maybe once a month from my mom. Now I get at least 3 to 4 a week. I give them credit they are persistent, but I am stronger and I really know I did everything I could to provide that relationship. They really don’t want a relationship with us they just want to win. Then when I cave things go back to the way they used to be. I am at peace with my decision, because it is not healthy nor productive to give them my energy. NO MORE!

Feb 27, 2018
 NARC sister and mother
by: Anonymous

OMG! I have been reading all these comments and post, I have been dealing with a mom and a much older sister for over 26 years now.

I have been married to my wonderful husband for 26 years. I have to grown sons that are thriving in this world. They are so jealous of that cause I did it despite all the manipulation, mental, emotional abuse all while bullying me.

My NARC sister is so jealous and bitter about the fact I left home and made a life for myself. God forbid i create a life. My sister is married but she lives a couple of miles from my mom. My mom and sisters relationship is a very co-dependent it is very sick. My sister is married and has been for 34 years, but has bullied him to the point that he just sits there. She is so controlling over her grown daughter and son they have so much anxiety that they can’t function without her. I am happy, however they have made my life hell thru the years.

My mom and sister have always ganged up on me thru the years. They would mentally, emotionally abuse me. My mom would always say when my husband would be deployed to iraq that "see I told you he really didn’t love you". What kind of mother would try and destroy her daughters marriage. It caused so many fights and problems in our marriage at the beginning. She recently said to me that I expected you to have divorced him 2 yrs into your marriage.
I finally in very later years 15 years into my marriage I got smart and I would never be in a room with them without someone with me and over the years started distancing myself and having min contact with them. For years I would transfer my anger to my husband and became a abuser until one day I had someone that didn’t even know me turn around at this event I was at and says you are the most hateful.Unkind, mean spirited you need to go look and the mirror and find yourself. That hit my like a ton of bricks. I came home and ask my husband am I mean am i hateful. He really didn't want to tell me. I told him I need to know, at the time he had just a week before said he wanted a divorce. That woman changed my life forever she saved my life. I wish to this day I knew her name so I could thank her for those harsh, but reality words. I told my husband please give me at least 6 months to get some help and if in 6 months you see no change I will file the divorce papers. Mind you that was in 1997 I am proud to say that I am still married and very happy. With much therapy and lots of friends that helped me find my voice. I am so thankful that my husband gave me that chance. I never took that chance for granted. That is when things really started to get really bad with my family, when I would assert myself in a way that said enough is enough. They still were able to hurt me, but each time my wall got stronger and stronger and when they would come at me my wall could withhold the storm. Yes, they were still able to put holes in my wall, but not knock it down. They would back me up in a corner to where I would come out fighting with all my mind, and then it became my fault.I spent years in therapy working thru these things. They would somehow make me the one that had a problem and I needed help. I was the crazy one. If I cut them off it would get very ugly fast. So I tried just ignoring it then they would show up to my door step. Mind you they would never come to see me before until they want the fight and and bully me some more. My sister would make her kids write emails to me and say things like this "if you don’t make it right with my mom I can’t talk to you anymore". Cause she knew that was my weak spot, cause I loved the kids and really wanted to be in there lives. That is why I really think over all I endured the bulling for years for the kids. When we moved to a place that they had much less access to me it helped me start growing and finding my identity and getting stronger, but that has taken 22 years. In 2009 she was on of her rampages again, I had started seeing the cycle about every 4 years or so. She was so mean to me while I was there visiting them I had a expedition and this was how childish she was. She would not ride in my expedition because it cost alot of money. I said fine I am done with this and the kids and I said we are leaving. I left and went home and the next day I got 64 messages in a 24 hour period from my NARC sister and then she would make her kids write me emails when I was not responding to her using them as pawns. She would also use my middle sister which she enjoys being in the middle of others drama. My Narc sister finally in 2009 did the unspeakable and unforgivable act, by calling my husbands job over 12 times in a day trying to get him fired. Because I was not answering her other 64 calls. MY husband and I had been in the military 17 years at that point so we had made lots of friends thru the years. The commander of the place my husband worked at was his boss and our best friends. They had been our friends for 17 years by this point. They had been on the other end of her behavior for years. What my sister didn’t know I finally let her hang herself. My husband, me, the commander and his wife were sitting on the other end of that conversation. She had no idea who she was talking to and still to this day has no idea, she has never apologized for what she did. She said that she feared for my life that my husband was hitting and abusing me and controlling me. She needed for me to contact her asap. We were all in disbelief that someone could have that much hatred toward another human being. I realized at that point she would stop at nothing to destroy not only me, but my family. I drove 6 hours and confronted her and my mom with all the evidence and told them this crossed many line and boundaries. Even though I had the phone calls recorded neither my mom nor my sister would listen to them. I told them then fine if you will not listen to them I am done. They only listened to about the first 4 of the 65 messages. I said if this ever happens again I will not hesitate to throw her in jail. On and off I have tried to break ties with them and somehow they manipulate, bully, guilt trip, and call me several times until I finally give in. I have not spoken this time to them since Oct of last year 5 months. I can’t tell you how many calls and hate letters, private fb messages that I have received to the point. What finally made me decide to break ties completely is because my mom said to me that I should not have allowed you to marry him and still to this day should not have let you. I said wow we he was the best thing that has ever happened to me. You are just made because he gave me oppurtunities and you have no control over me or our grown kids. She said she was teaching me a lesson that if I got married to him I would come to them because I chose to move away. I told her at that point well I am done coming to you guys and I am done with this toxic unhealthy relationship if you could call it that. I told her I was done trying and would not be putting anymore of my investment,time, efforts or energy in people that are not interested in a 2 way street. I finally decided things have got to stop and change. The only way that thing are going to change is if I completely break the ties and change it myself. What caused this flair up was In Aug our kids and husband gave me a surprise birthday party and there were over 45 people that traveled to come be apart of that special day. Those 2 were here, but you could really feel the hatred they both had because I created a healthy, loving, safe family they can’t stand it that I have people that love me and wanted to come and be apart of this very special day. They did not just travel a couple of hours,but plane rides coast to coast. My mom also said those friends are not really your friends they are only surface friends. They only like you because you have money. All of these people have been in my life for over 20 plus years. We have traveled together with a lot of them thru the years. In Sept the temper tantrum started, all because I wanted to spend the day with my mom. In sept I had a major surgery and my sister there again selfish said I could care less about your surgery or your recovery. My mom sided with her and said I should have answered her phone calls.

I know they think they are right in all they do and I need to come to my senses to fall to there feet. I have tried and tried and finally walked away for good.

Feb 14, 2018
 for Feb 12, 2018 Sister by: Anonymous
by: Anonymous

Your sister is evil. Plain and simple truth. Accept it and move on.

Have faith, Stay safe
J
Feb 14, 2018
 Re Sister
by: Milly

It sounds a horrendous situation and now you are left polarized from your family at no fault of your own. Have you thought of having a course of psychotherapy which could help you to more quickly recover?
Feb 12, 2018
 Sister
by: Anonymous

I wouldn't even know where to begin with the lifetime of bullying, physical and mental abuse that my narc sister has inflicted on those around her, including her own children. My parents, equally victims, have enabled her to her self-appointed position of superiority. Recently, she began a relationship with my ex-husband ( who I might add is a cocaine addicted gambler that I rightfully put in jail ) despite my complete shock and fear. My parents only shake their heads because no one wants to upset her.

This has caused a huge divide within my family. I cannot forgive her for this and have cut all contact. She has put everyone at risk now and defends herself telling everyone I'm lying ( including elaborately staging a trial...) I cannot understand and I am unable to move past this. I live in a cycle of fear.

In researching some help I have come upon many articles and websites like this one that make me feel less alone. This will be my third year without any family around me and I can't say it gets easier but I am understanding myself more and slowly my self-esteem is coming back. It was a toxic situation and I took myself out. Every day that goes by I am stronger.
Feb 11, 2018
 My sister
by: Anonymous

Im so happy I came across this. My sister is the most narcissistic poisonous human I've ever encountered and Ive only knew the term for it recently. All because of my ex boyfriend. Recently broken up ( during our relationship my sister made several efforts to sabotage us, such as blocking hin on everything, but not me because of an argument I had with her, threatening to 'expose' our relationship problems to my mother who didnt like him because of his caste (racism). My mum loved everything else about him but hos caste., telling her friend's about our relationship) I came across 'is your ex a narcissist' and realised that my didyer was. Incredibly charming and funny and sweet, but a master manipulator. She gets incredibly violent when she doesnt get her way (she punched me in the face last month for wearing a top of hers she was throwing away because it didnt fit) she mocks my and everyone elses acheivements but everyone else is jealous of her. So she says. If she does something out of kindness you will not hear the end of it and it allows her ti verbally and emotionally assault you. Seeks appro al in every conversation like so 'hey, I webr gym today' as long as you say 'well done' conversation over, doesnt enquire about anyone else, just literally tells you things she has done ans ecpects applause. She is NEVER wrong and when Ive pulled away in the past she does shit (such as getting between me and ny now ex) to get a reaction. Now I've cut her off emotionally. She gets nothing from me. A few months ago I was suicidal and depressed,she screamed and woke my wjole family to.complain that I was crying. She svreamed and said 'im telling mum about your seld harm if you don't stop crying'. That made ne cry even more ofcourse. She made it about her lack of sleep. Shes nuts
Jan 21, 2018
 80th birthday
by: Milly

I'm sure you're all glad that's over. It's good that you and your siblings are all of the same mind - your sister just makes a fool of herself with her behavior. Presumably others see her for what she is too. She won't have a happy life - as time goes on and she gets older, she will be rejected and just become a bitter old woman. Best thing is to try to avoid her as far as possible and concentrate on helping your mom enjoy her old age as best she can.
Jan 21, 2018
 Last night was moms 80th birthday
by: Anonymous

We were all supposed to met up at moms fav restaurant @ 6pm, well we were all there... except the NARC sister It figures :( , we were all sitting and waiting and waiting on them, mom finally said that is long enough, she was beyond starving and getting very angry with my sister, so the waitress came over and we all placed our orders,then we were served our dinners and we were all sitting there eating, when the NARC finally made her grand appearance carrying a huge boxed cake (mom said NO CAKE! before hand she does not listen) and my sister had the nerve to be angry at all of us for placing our orders and eating, well her family did not show up till after 7pm ! Mom could not wait that long to eat.So they sat in their own little corner away from us, placed there order ate their dinner and they didnt say a word, my sisters daughter got up and had the waitress light the candles on moms cake(mind you mom is diabetic and did not want cake or big production) the whole restaurant got up and sang happy birthday to my mom.My mom was beyond pissed ! My sister cuts up the huge cake and gives my mom a huge slab mom did not touch it and I think only my brothers 3 kids had a slice of cake.That cake was enough to feed 30 plus there was only 14 of us, and my mom did not want no cake or big production,just a quite birthday dinner. Then NARC sister wanted mom to take the rest of the cake home with her,mom said NO ! and my sister said yes mom finally had the last word, and told the waitress to cut it up and hand it out to all the people sitting around us and all the waitresses my NARC sister got really pissed and she told her klan to get up, hands my mom a medium sized gift bag ( mom said no gifts mind you ) and the NARC sister and her family stormed out of the restaurant and left.
And mom said take her home so we did, what was in the gift bag I don't know ?? I know my mom, she will not ever open it,she will mail it back to my sister. None of us 3 siblings brought her birthday presents we listened to her wishes,but not the NARC sister,everything they do has to be on a grand scale.And why bring a huge cake ? enough to feed 30 plus people,and mom being a diabetic.I hope to never ever see the NARC & family again,my siblings feel the same as me.What a night glad its over,I just feel sorry for my mom, NARC just does what she pleases.
Jan 06, 2018
 80th birthday
by: Milly

It does sound as if your sister thinks she is entitled to behave appallingly badly towards your mother. Presumably this goes back years and your mom has allowed her to get away with it to the extent that it has become the norm. If all the non narc siblings and their families agree to focus on your mom having a great time, make sure they are not provocative in any way and only respond to 'the other side' respectfully, one can only hope that the event will pass without incident. Any provocations from 'the other side' will have to be ignored and this could be seriously trying but essential if your mom is to enjoy her celebration. It is to be hoped that your sister will make an effort to treat your mom with respect, if she knows how to do that.
Jan 06, 2018
 moms 80th birthday looks to be a big disaster :(
by: Anonymous

Another Update: Narc sister told my mom or rather screamed at her, she did not want to do 2 different birthdays and after awhile my narc sister got her way again,mom gave in to her,but with stipulations:
We all get together as 1 family and mom said NO birthday presents for her,instead mom wants us to all get along for 1 hour that will the best present ever mom said , we all go out to eat dinner together as a family, no airing out the dirty laundry,no drama,no rude remarks,no making dirty faces at each other, nothing just eat our dinner and be quite and especially no fighting at the restaurant,we can sit where we want.
So I guess us 3 siblings that do get along great, don't have to speak or look at my narc sister and her family,just look at my mom after all it is her 80th birthday and her day not the narcs day. Mom knows narc sister & her family all need serious needs mental help but they refuse,that is what some of the fight was between my mom and narc sister .
But to go over to moms house and start yelling at her then it turned into a screaming match that is LACK OF RESPECT AND NO BOUNDARIES,that is your elderly mother you are screaming and yelling at.My sister thinks us 3 siblings are ganging up on her and her family,(what we think is the narc sister is broke and doesn't have the money to take mom out by herself) but us 3 siblings will be paying for moms dinner and our own dinner,what will the narc sister and her family do ? We don't know and don't care,narc sister just went on a 10 days cruise and took her whole family,some friends,and including all their the kids,grandchildren and their in laws,there was a total of 25 people and children that went, she spent over 10k on that cruise,always bragging "she has got it made" she & her husband both work minimum wage jobs, both kids the 30 & 33 year old kids don't work, but rest assured my mom will not be paying for crazy narcs dinner or her families,we will see to that !
So it will be a very interesting birthday dinner, which will be on Jan 20th.I will give you all update.
Dec 29, 2017
 80th birthday
by: Milly

I totally agree - I'm sure that way you'll enjoy it. Your mom knows about the issues and what you think and if you explain that if the narc lot go as well, there could be an embarrassing scene, she will surely prefer two different celebrations.
Good luck - I hope you come back and post how it went.
Dec 29, 2017
 80th birthday for my mom
by: Anonymous

There is 4 of us siblings and I am the oldest ,my narc sister and her family are the problem makers, everybody else gets along great my brother thought, mom might want the whole together to celebrate her 80th birthday and we just sit away from the narc sister and her family and ignore them, but that wont work their is bound to be a huge fight in the middle of a restaurant or wherever we decide to take mom. My mom sometimes can be a push over one day she will state her daughter & her family are all crazy and need mental help yesterday, then another day everything with them is fine.She says she is just keeping the peace in the family she shouldn't be putting up with my sister and her family abuse, my sister and her family have no respect or boundaries with mom, anything goes and yet they keep going over to moms house and mom lets them in, if it was me and my kids did what they have done (screaming at my mom over stupid crap) I would not speak to them no more or invite them into my house btw they never ever apologized to my mom for screaming at her and never will. I think your right Milly the 3 of us siblings will take mom out together for her 80th birthday and my crazy narc sister and her klan can take mom out at a later date.
Dec 28, 2017
 80th birthday
by: Milly

It doesn't sound as if it will be a happy occasion if you all get together so why not say you will have your own special day with your Mom? I had a similar problem with my Mom's 80th birthday. At the time, I didn't realize that both my sister and brother were closet narcs as I had never done anything to make them drop the 'mask of sanity'. However, my sister became very jealous because I was organizing the do and she wanted to go to a particular venue where our fourth sibling did not want to go. I said that we must choose somewhere that suited us all and she just couldn't stand the challenge and got the other brother onside, both sniping from the sidelines to try to bring it all down. In the end, hoping to collapse the thing, the narc brother made up an excuse as to why he couldn't go so he and his wife and four children took Mom out separately. Actually we all(over 20 family members) had a great evening without him and my sister had to just grin and bear it. Neither Mom nor the other guests ever knew about the conflict and accepted that my brother couldn't be there. I suggest you similarly find a reason not to be there and take her out yourself. My narc brother had no qualms about it and I don't see why a non-narc shouldn't behave in the same way! Good luck!
Dec 26, 2017
 Narcissist sister and my moms 80th birthday
by: Anonymous

What to do with my mothers upcoming 80th birthday?I cut my narc sister and her entire family out of my life for good a good year ago ,my mother thinks the whole family should make peace with each other, but put up with all the pain and bullying,all the lies,the disrespect they have done to me over the years all over again ? They will think they are in the right and are always right, they know it all and still do and it is me that is the crazy one that need the mental help, they never said sorry.
But yet my crazy sister and her grown 30 year old daughter went over to my moms house a couple of months ago and they both spent a good hour screaming at my mom over stupid stuff and told my mom she is bat shit crazy and then those 2 told all their friends " my mom is senile and needs to be locked away" my mom has all her faculties and still very smart .And now mom says now that is all forgiven,those 2 will bully,lie,cheat,steal and manipulate anyone they can.I told my mom how can you forgive your daughter and granddaughter for screaming at you then calling you crazy ,I told my mom they are trying to gaslight you, they have no respect for my mom or any boundaries,and the thought of taking mom out to dinner and sitting with them will bring on www4 and I do not want to be in the same room with those 2 and the rest of her toxic family ,they are so dead to me. I dont know what to do ??
Dec 24, 2017
 Per the last poster
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your response. My father made dinner reservation toons for us all to eat out as an "ice breaker" since it had been so long and he knew this was hard for me. Needless to say I went in extremely calm. Hugged my dad, saw a niece and nephew and could see her out of the corner of my eye smiling trying to come give me a hug. As she walked up I simply said "hi" but made no motion toward her as I felt no need. She was pretending everything was great and then says "what you don't even say hi?! I was just going to give you a hug?! " I Soo calmly responded with "I did say hi". And she jumps back, arms still outstretched and says "WOW...really???!!" And I calmly went and turned to talk to someone else. She proceeded to complain to my mother, Brice, other sister... Yup. Fun fun. So now I've got to get ready to see her and the sister she is in cahoots with at the other sisters house for xmaseve. My father has already thanked me for having a real Christmas again- especially bc his mom is in the hospital very sick. The next 36 hrs will be interesting and I was actually proud I was WAY calmer than I thought I'd be. Breathe I kept reminding myself, just breathe....
Dec 24, 2017
 To the last two posts
by: Milly

Hear, hear (to the last poster's comment). Your generosity in allowing your sister into your house should not be seen as a weakness on your part. Afterwards, she may attempt to get manoeuvre herself back into your life, thinking you have given in. Of course it's up to you then how to respond to that but there would be nothing wrong at all in reverting to no contact.
Dec 21, 2017
 Re: Regarding standing up for yourself...
by: Healing Finally

To the person who last commented, I understand your concern about allowing your sister into your house after no contact. I think this is a huge thing to do for your Mom.

My sister has my Mom wrapped around her finger so anything she says my Mom believes; even if it presents me as a monster.

All I can say is, don't take the bait!! Wishing you a peaceful holiday with your family.
Dec 21, 2017
 Regarding standing up for yourself
by: Anonymous

I have a younger sister as well, by 11 yrs. I've posted before below. In any event as far as she was concerned, and my parents, everything was fine in our relationship as long as I took what was being shoveled out to me. There came one day, Father's Day actually, when every jab she gave me I stood up for myself. She didn't know what hit her and it felt good for me. Plus I had my 14 yr old daughter and 12 yr old son around and thought would I ever let anyone talk to them that way and what was I teaching them about self worth. Of course when my dad wasn't around there was a huge blow out that night where she said the most horrendous things about me behind my back- then realized I heard she ran off like a coward and tried to lie abl out it. Only I wasn't the only one that heard, my daughter did too and my sister couldn't get out of it. Needless to say we haven't spoken in 1 1/2 yrs and that's my choice - no contact. However this Christmas for my parents I'm allowing her in my home so we can all be together, for my parents sake. I'm truly concerned.
Dec 19, 2017
 In reply to Dec 16, 2017 Affected by sibling abuse by: Anonymous
by: Anonymous

Amen. You're not alone. It seems a troublemaker narcissist exists in many, many families. Your thoughts and feelings are completely valid, and standing up for yourself seems perfectly normal. Don't let narcs get your down. Stand tall.

Dec 16, 2017
 Affected by sibling abuse
by: Anonymous

My sister hated me because she was supposed to be the youngest. I really don't remember a whole lot of my childhood, just that one day I took the blame for her torturing me and after that we were best friends (really - I think I just became her minion) Shortly after that, she got into sex and drugs and my parents became the target of all of her rage and my mom came to me for advice on how to save my sister from herself. After 30 years, I finally kicked my sister out of my relationship with my mother. The problem is that I married a narcissistic man. I had been married for 15 years when I kicked my druggie sister out of my relationship with my mom and it took me another 5 years before I filed for divorce. I never thought that I had low self esteem, but now I realize that I do. These are the things that I now realize.
- my needs and emotions and opinions are just as important as everyone else's.
- when I accomplish something, it isn't evil to feel a little bit of pride.
- to defend myself against a bully or to call someone out on their behavior isn't me being mean to them, it is me being kind and protective of myself.
- if I try to understand why someone is treating me poorly, I am probably enabling them to continue to treat me bad or teaching them how to treat me worse.

After I left home, I kind of felt like I had sorta raised myself. I know my parents love me. But somehow, I wasn't ever made to feel like my feelings mattered and that it was somehow wrong of me to get angry or defend myself. I have always struggled with trying to figure out who I am.
Aug 24, 2017
 Narcissistic Sister...I am done
by: Anonymous

I have empathy for you all. Having someone treat you as a worthless piece of garbage is like being stabbed in the heart. I am 67 and my sister is 81. This has been going on since I was a teen. This time I am done. When she treats me this way it takes at least a month for me to feel stable again. There is vicious screaming on her part, and saying all kinds of nasty things. Once I was going to take she and her husband to see a movie I thought they would like. I was unable to go on the 2 days she had chosen, so asked her to pick another day. When I didnt hear back I texted her. No answer. Then I phoned and left a message. I had asked her to go to the movie on a Monday and didn't hear back till the next Tuesday. I explained I wanted to know the day so I could keep it free. When she phoned me she laughed and said oh we went yesterday. I said why didn't you let me know. She said she had been busy. I said. It only takes a minute to send a text...nicely. She came back viciously screaming she had been busy and she was going to hang up and wasn't going to talk to me until I could be nicer to her. When I had to have brain surgery she didn't offer to let me stay at her house. She phoned me at work to ask if I would get part of my ex husbands social security. I said no, we divorced at 9.5 years. She started screaming that if something happened to me in surgery.she wasn't taking care of me and it would just be in God's hands. No compassion. I never asked that she take care of me.
One year she saw a sweater she liked so I purchased the sweater, a blouse, slacks and a purse so she would have an outfit. I had one of her daughter's look at it to see if she thought my sis would like the outfit, she said yes. So on Christmas morning when she opened the gift (I wasn't there) she had a tantrum and wanted to know who purchased such a gift. Next I saw her she accused me of buying that gift to ruin her Christmas !! I would never even come up with that thought. This is just the tip of the iceberg. Recently there was another episode. This time I am done. I am walking away and not looking back for my own well being. I have blocked her mobile and home numbers. I am looking forward to a life without all of the drama. Don't wait as long as I did to be free. Your narcissist will never change.
She will continue to break your heart.
Jul 15, 2017
 It hurts so much
by: Rose

I spent a good deal of time trying to write my story to post here. It is so complicated and so involved, and goes back so far with so many people involved, that I just gave up.

So, I'm just going to write about how much I'm hurting right now.

I adored my sister. She is 14 years older than I am, and I thought she was wonderful. She was the golden girl in our family, and a brother was the golden boy. She married when I was seven years old, so our lives didn't intersect that much. Until she was estranged from her daughter--about 25 years ago. Long time, but it doesn't seem so long. I'm 65 and she will is 79, although you would never know it. She is still working two days a week, and still beautiful, charming, charismatic.

I won't go into the reasons for the estrangement from her daughter, and only mention that the reasons she gave were totally false and meant to put her in a good light and place the blame on someone else. At that time, she courted me, for want of a better term. We weren't particularly close before that, but I guess she wasn't getting narcissistic supply from her daughter, and sought it from me. I gave it willingly. As I said, I adored her. Unfortunately, I was probably her flying monkey, which I deeply regret.

At any rate, we began to spend more and more time together, and we became friends, best friends. She eventually moved around the corner from me, to an apartment I helped her get, and we did almost everything together. We either saw each other or talked on the phone each day. That is, until three years ago. I was beginning to see that there was something not right with her. I realized she lied--often--but I thought they were just self-protective lies. I usually believed what she said, and didn't understand how malicious and mean she could be until it was turned on me.

I guess she had resentments. I went to college as an adult, when my kids went to college, and she seemed supportive, but she "missed" all four graduations, one of which was my graduation from community college at which I gave the valedictory address. I don't know if that's what she resents. I also had a very good marriage, and she had a very bad marriage and then a long-term relationship which could be quite rocky at times (which is why she got the apartment). My husband and I were comfortable financially, too. Since she frequently made snide comments about that, I guess that was another thing she resented.

At any rate, three years ago, my husband was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and my sister got weird. It's not that she can't handle the thought of cancer. She had cancer herself, and since has been supportive of other people who are going through it. She couldn't be there for us for some reason, but that's not the whole story. She told the whole family not to call or talk to my husband about his cancer. She denied doing it, but it was confirmed by someone outside the family who was present when she did it. She also stopped talking to me, and would twist any communication we did have into horrible lies to "prove" that it was all my fault that we don't talk. This parallels what she did to her daughter 25 years ago.

I reached out to her many times over the three years, but I couldn't get through to her. I had sent her a card at Christmas with a note that said that I loved her and missed her and hated that we were estranged, but that I couldn't reach out any more just to be ignored. She told a relative that I sent her a nasty note!

Now to the present. My husband passed away in April. His cancer metastasized to his liver. He died in a matter of weeks from learning of the metastasis, before they could start chemo. My NS showed up, and was actually helpful. She was at the funeral and the shiva period that followed. I found out that her daughter insisted she contact me, but I still give her credit for doing it and being kind then. Afterwards, though, she went right back to no contact and never once called to see how I am doing.

We had contact this past week, though. She used a credit card of mine on which she was an authorized user (that we opened back in the days when we were such good friends). I know it was inadvertent, although she has gotten money from me under false pretenses in the past. I called her to ascertain that she did make the charges. I didn’t even ask her for the money. I had to leave a message because she doesn’t pick up the phone when I call. She did call back, when she knew I wouldn’t be home, of course, and said that they were her charges and she would drop off a check. She put the check in my mailbox rather than ring the doorbell and hand it to me. Then she told my niece that I accused her of stealing money from her. Nice.

So, stupid me has been sitting here crying, not only because I miss my husband so much, but because I must be the worst person in the world if even my own sister can’t love me. I know that’s not the truth in my head, but my heart doesn’t understand. I need her. I need my sister, I need my friend. I've had therapy over this when she first started this. Maybe I need more.
Jul 12, 2017
 Anonymous of July 11....
by: Anonymous

To Anonymous of July 11...That business with the offer of your time?....and the way your sister manipulated the whole situation to make you look bad?... That's called "moving the goal posts" She led you to believe you weren't wanted or needed...so you make other plans...and then she accuses you of selfishly not doing what you offered to do!...My sister has done the very same thing for most of our lives. It’s a total trap. Before I knew she was a covert narcissist I was always left feeling completely confused at how not only she but everyone else seemed to agree that "I" was the one at fault. INFURIATING to think of all the years of confusion and cognitive dissonance. I feel like it was just "luck" or "grace" or whatever you choose to call it, that I finally figured out what was really going on. One thing I think you might at least consider...is that your mother may actually NOT have known all about your sister having your clothes...Your sister may be telling you that because she knows it will hurt and anger you....and then possibly provoke some negativity from you toward your mom...driving a little wedge between you and your mother...leaving the perfect emotional environment for your sister to swoop in and "side with" your mother...making her seem, in your mothers eye's...the "sane and loving one"...(my sister is famous for this level of manipulation). Your mother also may not understand what ACTUALLY happened with the negotiation around who would care for her on which day, or that you truly felt your offer was dismissed when you made your vacation plans. Your sister could be twisting the story intentionally more than you’re even aware of to manipulate your mom's perception about THAT situation....and possibly many others. Your mother may have had her perceptions manipulated by your sister so many times that she has formed (hardwired in her brain) a completely distorted idea of who you are, and therefore just finds it easier and easier to believe the distortions that your sister feeds her...meaning that "maybe" your mother is not "intending" to scapegoat you. Maybe she's truly annoyed at what she "perceives" as something to be annoyed about. Just something to consider...I feel a lot of this has happened with my mother, and the sad thing is, my mother...and probably most people in this world who are not familiar with NPD are extremely unlikely to be able to correct their view after years of being manipulated. They can develop a largely false perception of even someone they care about, based on years of distorted perceptions… and It's too confusing....even traumatizing for a mother to accept that they've been used as a "flying monkey" by one of their daughters against the other for years and never were the wiser. Having said this, the particular dynamics of every family are unique...and it is ALSO possible that your mom IS intending to scapegoat you (she could be a narcissist herself, for that matter)...Only you can examine the situation to the degree necessary to find the truth. I only offer this scenario as one possiblity in case it helps you "master your sister’s game" because the more of your own particular narcissists tactics you can identify and master, the more effective you can be in creating a strategy to bypass or "unhook yourself" from future "attacks".
Jul 11, 2017
 You have to pity her.
by: Anonymous

I felt like a huge weight had been lifted when I realised my sister had a narcissistic personality and a vendetta against me . I then realised I had also been a scapegoat for my family.

Here is an example ,I offered to take our mother on some hospital visits so that my sister didn't have to take time off work. I said that 'I could do Mondays and Tuesdays, mother said my sister wanted to go every day with my mother.I explained that there was no point in two of us being there,I had offered because it was to give my sister a break.

We then decided as we weren't needed we would book a little break,which meant we would be away Monday and Tuesday.
A couple of weeks later my mother said, your sister said you can do Mondays and Tuesdays if you like. I said that's good I will help out but now I have booked a little break that we would still like to go on. Recently we had a fall out, my sister stated 'Your always letting mum down' When I asked why she said 'because mum had to get her brother to take her and you had promised mum you would take her on Monday and Tuesday's ! to the hospital
I now realised that I am also the family's scapegoat,as mother agreed with my sister.

Another example was I was mentioning to my sister I would quite like to take mother away. But I was worried what I would do with her all day. I decided it might be nice to go to some National Trust places and the sea side. My sister said 'she wont go away with you' I did ask mother but she said 'I don't like the same things as you'
My sister,turned it completely around and said 'You never take mum any where' and you you said you wouldn't know what talk about with her for more than 1 hour.Mother agreed with my sister.
She once stole some thing from me when I we were younger. She said to me 40 years later 'Do you remember those clothes that you lost.
Yes I replied excitedly thinking she had found them. She then said 'I used to play out in them and Mother new all about ! and it goes on.

My sister is very transparent and I can read here like a book. All the traits are there so it was easy to work out.
Educating my self and doing research has really helped me understand what has been happening to me and why I tend to feel the way I do.
Jul 03, 2017
 To those that replied to my June 29 post re: sisters and talking to my mother
by: Anonymous

Thank you Soo very much for your responses. At that moment, when I had heard she was continuing, with my older sister to perpetuate lies about me and my children- something I caught her doing last year that was the breaking point for me- I truly wondered WHY would she continue to do this. But I guess being the object of this behavior, a behavior I would never engage in myself, when directed at me I took it so personally and I didn't see it as part of her game. As soon as I read it from you, being a trap to draw me in, it was Soo clear! I guess it's hard to see that in the moment. I did have a chance to speak to my mother. I told her that my sister(s) actions only proved my point perfectly why I don't need to be around them. She then brought up Easter and said that apparently everyone thought it was a shame that I couldn't make an effort to be there with everyone. As it was, I had already told them I couldn't have been with them for Thanksgiving because I needed to protect my children and my sanity. Then came Xmas, which was usually at my house. But when the big incident happened I said she wouldn't be welcome in my home, she made no attempt at an apology (which wouldn't have meant anything) and my parents wanted me to just let it go...for the sake of the holidays, but I wouldn't. So the two sisters rearranged Xmas to have it at my sisters lake house where everyone would have to sleep over - oh and of course my mother NEVER asked me. Every yr my sister would come for Xmas, bring nothing, do nothing, be annoyed and pissy if you asked her, act like she hosted the party, treat me like hired help, and would leave without a thank you. I always made my mother aware and she always had excuses for it. So my husband, kids and I spent Xmas by ourselves- which turned out to be really really lovely. Needless to say, bringing up the Easter thing I about choked. I looked at my mother and flat out told her that at this moment I have absolutely nothing for my sister. What she did last yr, and the level of anger she made me get to- I will NEVER let her or anyone do that, have that kind of "power or control , however u want to say it" again. That going forward I will always choose my kids and myself first. I will never let her treat me like anything less than my own worth. That if I didn't stand up for myself now, what kind of example would I have set for my children (who also overheard every vicious venomous lie while grandiousing her own self). That my kids (teens) need to know you don't let anyone treat you that way, including family. Of course she then asked me if I've seen a therapist! Seriously! I told her I know she was sad about that idea, but that she constantly defends her, and if someone isn't doing anything wrong, you shouldn't have to defend them. That she bully's my mom too, and any time my mom tries to stand up for her, my mom gets shut down harshly. If I see it (in the past) I'd call my sister out, who'd be annoyed w/me and then my mom would just say it's ok. Needless to say, I suggested to my mom for her to go speak to a therapist, if for no other reason than to gain a better understanding of why I will not "just forget about it" and let things "go back to normal", because that "normal", was consistantly at my expense and it took me too long to stop it. I love my mother with ever ounce, and she loves me. She is torn and I hate it for her, but she needs to see what my sister is. Especially with now my sister(s) trying to control where she may move and such! Those 2 have their ideas but as I told my mom when I was with her, her happiness is paramount and I do not want her getting pushed around and manipulated. My other sweet sister and I have our work cut out in that area. But you are right, my sister misses her doormat- something I will NEVER be for her again. It's such a mind screw. Thank you for taking the time to respond. It means so much to me.
Jul 01, 2017
 Im just starting
by: Anonymous

What a chore all this research is on sibling narcissism you could never imagine how cruel one with narcissism can do to her own sister! I don't like it and I hate to have to do it one more time but I need to change me thank God for all this research I've done it's open my eyes to a lot of things.
Jun 30, 2017
 Sharing on other comments
by: Healing Finally

I appreciate everyone sharing on this thread!

Regarding the video, it's pretty obvious he's got a personal agenda, and that puts me totally off.

There are a lot of helpful videos on YouTube regarding NPD,this one was recommended to me the other day regarding Narcissistic Sister:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZ30KmU9evo

Some of the things she says I can so relate to, like how they have no trouble breaking up the family, which is what happened in my life. Also, they don't outgrow it, they just DON'T. FORGET TRYING TO HELP THEM.
---------
Also, I'd like to address "Response to Anonymous June 29....by: Anonymous " - it's an encouraging thought to consider educating one's enmeshed codependent mother about her daughter's NPD, and that she's a flying monkey; but this will only make things worse. I completely blew it by trying to educate my Mother on my sister's NPD, as it totally appalled her, it just fueled her need to defend her more, saying I wasn't a doctor and how could I make that diagnosis? Her need to be enmeshed with my sister is too strong. I have had to just live with the fact that she doesn't get it. I don't know what is more tough for me, being ejected from the family by my narc sister or the fact that my Mother continues to defend her side, NO MATTER WHAT. All we can do is work on ourselves and not worry about the gap we leave behind as we remove ourselves from this awful degrading family system. Good luck, we are here for you!

And I look forward to checking out the videos with Dr. Alan Godwin, thank you for sharing.
Jun 29, 2017
 About the video posted....
by: Anonymous

About the video posted. I watched it, and I don't believe the guy even identifies himself until the end of the video when he's asking for donations. He claims to know all about this "shadow government" business, but doesn't say HOW he would know it. He throws in a two or three "only Jesus can heal you"s... and "voila!" we're supposed to trust him? My gut tells me "something is very "off" here. If you pay close attention you can track certain patterns that are classic to narcissists and psychopaths.....Talking in such a way as to make narc victims feel completely understood....and portraying himself as the "strong protector" type...(what many of us often "feel" we need (but ultimately don't) when we're feeling vulnerable. He includes a lot of familiar experiences for those of us who've been narc abused...drawing us in further...and I would even say that the much of what he says is actually "potentially plausible"....but what about alternative explanations...such as, for instance that these "shadow groups" could be private "PAID psychological hit-men" so to speak.... hired to destroy someone...or even to destroy a "love one" of their true target? I mean there are countless "stories" one could latch onto about this kind of scenario, and I would caution all to not latch on to this particular story as he offers nothing in the way of "back up" or "proof" or even his own personal history....and just imagine....What if you allowed THIS GUY to manipulate YOUR perceptions? What if your whole family truly was targeted by some unknown group? What if that narcissist sister or father or mother was ultimately being stressed and having their perceptions manipulated by covert forces (of WHATEVER kind)and truly had little clue as to the damage they'd been doing as a result of that covert interferance? How "Christian" is it to walk out on your family without having at least given them an honest accounting of how they've hurt you and a good honest chance for them to make it right? For this guy to say "if you have a narcissist family member who's done (this that and the other) walk away!...don't look back!...go no contact!....don't try to explain how they've hurt you...THEY DON'T CARE!"....this, in my mind is very SUSPECT. Don't get me wrong, I understand that going no contact is often completely necessary....and WE ALL KNOW WITHIN OURSELVES when it's necessary and should never allow ANYONE to push us in that direction. If we know WITHIN OURSELVES that we have done ALL that we are honestly capable of to resolve things with our family member and we know WITHIN OURSELVES that we have reached a point that we simply can't do it anymore, WE WILL KNOW IT. We won't need someone to tell us. And it's awesome to have people supporting you in that decision when you finally make it but I would always question someone who is first building a feeling of trust, and then in the next breath "instructing you" on what it is you must do to save yourself.
Jun 29, 2017
 Response to Anonymous June 29....
by: Anonymous

Anonymous of June 29, Here is my own two-cents. Just an intuition based on my own experience, but I know every situation is unique, so consider this a "suggestion" to "consider" rather than "advice".

It sounds to me like she's "missing" her favorite "doormat" and is also very likely intentionally pushing your buttons to drag you back into the drama. Although I couldn't know with 100% certainty...I'm tempted to warn you "It's a trap! Don't let it affect you!...and don't engage. Resist the urge to defend yourself and tell your mother in as simple and calm and straightforward a way as possible that you believe this is NPD...that you believe your sister is using her as a "flying monkey" to get to you...and that you just can't engage in that dysfunction...which means that you'll have to dramatically reduce contact with her as well, unless she is willing to learn about narcissism and how they use others as their own personal tools. Tell your mother you love her (that is, if you do!) but that you need to protect your peace of mind, not only for yourself but for your family. And just leave it at that. The more you allow yourself to get drawn into the drama and stew in anger, the more your own loved ones will be negatively affected.
Jun 29, 2017
 Psychology Mattes TV
by: Anonymous

This site helped me so much when I first realized what type of person I was dealing with. My story sounds like so many of your stories. It inspired me to produce a TV show where people could get REAL information on mental health and psychological issues. I did 2 episodes with Dr. Alan Godwin who is an expert in Difficult and Narcissistic People. I have other tops on there as well.Dr. Godwin really explains why these people are the way they are and just really helped me understand it allot beet.
Please take a look https://youtu.be/h-gsqGcJ4OE
Jun 29, 2017
 Want to share an interesting video about family NARCs
by: J11

All,

I just came across this very interesting video and want to share it with everyone here who has been affected by a family narcissist. In my opinion, he accurately describes and explains the family narc https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pMCidqdyLWM

I'm interested to hear from anyone who has experienced this type of narc behavior from a family member and what is your take on this angle.

Take care!
Jun 29, 2017
 Had previously posted 11/7 re: response to someone else
by: Anonymous

Well my sister happily tried to shatter my family and my heart. She was calculating, cruel, determined and VERY vindictive!! A year later, I look back, and I think how disgusting, angry and only solidifies her role in everything. I have completely separated myself from her and my older sister for the entire year. In this year, I learned to let go of the utter anger I had toward her for the lies she told and bring up my children. For lying and having that conversation with my husband. I had been a ball of nerves and on the verge of crying constantly. Especially because she had my parents somehow believing that I needed to apologize to her, that I, the one she had once again gone after, was the one that "had to make it right"! It made me so angry. But in the last 6 months, I have found I am so much happier without any contact and I do not miss them one bit, honestly. Much to the dismay of my mother, who I just had this conversation with. Even though I've explained that after all the years of her behavior, I finally stuck up for myself and my kids- that for the first time, I choose ME and my kids and THAT was shocking to everyone. We don't utter my sisters name in my house. Come to find out through another sister that very recently, my narc sister has continued to talk about me AND my children to the other older sister. (My daughter was diagnosed with Dysautonomia 2 1/2 yrs ago as well as EDS, a total life changer for a then 13 1/2yr old. ) with it comes a lot of stomach problems, migraines, nausea , lack of appetite, most children loose weight and if they have EDS tend to easily loose muscle. Apparently my sister got a hold of a photo of my daughter from insta (likely through a niece) and saved it to her phone. She went on to say I was not a good mother (something already said due to the fact that I've had major back pain problems for 22yrs and for whatever reason, resents it , and made some comment about me not being a good role model for her because I deal with pain). In any even, using a photo of my daughter, she felt the need to say she must be thinner because I'm a terrible mother, that I must project my own pain on to my daughter, that I don't feed her properly or take care of her correctly!!! Grrr got me Soo angry! We travel ALL over to see THE BEST Dr's for what she has!! If she EVER had asked about her diagnosis instead of telling me how to "treat" her by cutting out gluten (which of course she was tested for and its not a problem. Besides talking about me not being a good mother, she apparently was talking about a few family trips we took 5&4 yrs ago (just me, my hubs and kids- first time ever our own trip). She went on assuming the cost of the trips, way off base, wondering how we could pay for it. Why would she be concerned and even bring up something to the rest of my family from 5&4 yrs ago? Why is she guessing at the cost? Why is she yet again lying about me behind my back, with lies, and to my family??!! And why do they sit and eat up everything she says like its the truth?! Apparently my sister, through my mother, even has problems with a post I made on FB 4 yrs ago saying I couldn't sleep because of my damn back- and that (at that point) after 18 yrs it was getting really old! Come to find I had many friends with some back issues going on and it was nice to support each other. But with my sister chirping in my mothers ear, my mother says things that I know we're not from her own mouth. I had let the idea of having her of a sister go. I understood that the way things were, will never again work for me. She on the other hand, with my older sister, has continued to talk about me, demean me, put down my children, basically attack me on ever level that you can attack a human being. I was done with her, clearly, she is not done with me. What do I do to get her away from me?! (Obviously blocked on all social media and we don't speak) yet I have found through, thankfully, a faithful sister, that is just doesn't end and she's constantly in both my parents ears. I'm 48!!! When does it end. She's 37 and hasn't grown up in ANY way at all. No one will ever be good enough for her. They can't live up to her expectations. Help, how do I get my parents to see through to what she really is?
Jun 25, 2017
 The Apology
by: Milly

So, it finally came, two years late. A smarmy, sucking up apology, actually admitting that a lie she had told was not true (she didn't use the word 'lie' of course) but excusing herself on the grounds of it being a spur of the moment remark when, actually, it was perpetuated over a period of time. Nor did it cover anything like the amount of abuse that had taken place though she deeply regretted 'all the hurt' she had caused. Anyone unversed in the tricks of a narc could have been taken in but the motive was all too obvious - more hoovering in the hope of returning to an outwardly 'normal' relationship. She would then tell those around her that it was left to her to break the stalemate with her generous apology and I would have to pretend we were still best of friends. So I've yet to discover how she reacts to my reply that more of her bad behavior needs to be acknowledged and suggestions for reparation made. Not holding my breath.
Mar 15, 2017
 Re: Is narcissism in teen sister possible?
by: Healing Finally

Yes, Anonymous, your sister does should like she is dealing with some serious narcissistic traits.

The fact that you've searched and found this website shows (me) that you've been wondering and dealing wit this behavior and questioning it for awhile.

The fact that your family refuses to acknowledge it is another good example that something isn't right.

Those of us who have dealt with narcissistic siblings know the sting of being left out, not listened to, and being scapegoated; due to the family not being able to to acknowledge the fact that their family member has serious issues.

My sister at 17 did all those things, every single one of them. I had already moved out and once I asked my Mom why the dishes were all stacked on the counter when the dishwasher was empty. She said "Oh I just can't deal with it anymore, I just give up so I do them."

A healthy family member would stand up to her. My Mom still gives into all my sister's wishes. My sister has always been over-pampered due to her covert demands and sometimes fragile demeanor (ha!)

I am grateful to have found this web page and post when I first searched for "narcissistic sister". I learned a great deal from other people sharing. I now am receiving a lot of support from the website called "Out of the Fog" (Fog = Fear, Obligation, and Guilt";) which provides support for people who deal with family members and loved ones who have personality disorders. There's a forum where you can vent, discuss, read, and learn from people directly who deal with specific family issues (sibling, parent, spouse, coworker.)

Also, someone here posted about C-PTSD, and I KNOW I have this. They have a sister website called "Out of the Storm" for people that have suffered with mental/emotional trauma due to their needs being forever brushed aside due to the dysfunctional family dynamic.

Good luck with your quest to find some peace with all of this! It's not a easy road, unfortunately, and yet with some good boundaries you can be less negatively affected by it. Take care! {{HUGS}}
Mar 15, 2017
 Is narcissism in teen sister possible?
by: Anonymous

My younger sister, turning 17 this year shows traits of narcissism, but I am not sure. I tried to talk to my parents about my concerns then they say that I am childish, jealous, she is still a kid, I can't expect her to be just normal like normal siblings are to each other, I am mentally not healthy for feeling offended by a younger sister, I must stop telling them my concerns because she is my sister and not my daughter etc.

The traits and her behavior are the following:
* She gets upset and angry for the most little things and ignores me for days, are short tempered towards me, goes into my room take some of my clothes and throw them in the laundry basket/put them in her cupboards and claim it is her clothes, takes it with her if she goes away for a weekend etc. I told her and my parents many times that she is welcome to borrow my clothes, but please just ask/tell me at least before hand.
* She is lazy, doesn't want to do the dishes when it is her turn and fake sickness and she doesn't want to help if someone asks her assistance and also her schoolwork is weeks behind and she does homeschooling, so she takes the memo and just writes it off or copy it even sometimes, she doesn't want o make her own beverages or sandwiches, ,y poor mother just hears: " I am hungry", then she must jump and prepare food.
* She lies about where she was/ what people say/ about that she was at the gym or at a farm doing fun things etc. She lies not only to me but a lot to her friends.
*She acts friendly sometimes in front of friends and family, a completely different person as she is towards me.
* If she ignores me and show short tempered/sarcasm, I usually ask what I did wrong so that I can make it right or at least try to do so, then I just get a " You know what you did."
*She even asked my dad to exclude me out of the horses and goes to my parents a lot and asks to exclude me out of activities.
* She tells her friends that I am hypocrite and come up with things I have never done/said, so they all claim and think that I am two faced and mentally sick.
*She is never wrong and will never say sorry, after a few days I can't handle this anymore and the have to beg for forgiveness and it is rarely that she accepts it also, unless there is a event coming up and she needs a dress to borrow or needs me to go with in order to get permission from my parents to go.

Have anyone had experienced this/see the narcissistic traits/ have any advice? Or am I just dealing with normal teen here?
Feb 07, 2017
 Had enough abuse
by: Anonymous

I have only realised over the last few weeks how much my sister has bullied my mum and me. I told her two years ago I did not want any more to do with her other then things to do with my mum.
People think my sister is wonderful and so together. She is so manipulative and false. I have decided to get on with my life after years of anxiety. I am walking free from the abuse of my father and sister. She has tried to pull me back in by talking to my dad, friend and mum saying that I should make up with her for my mums sake. I have kept quiet and have had limited access to my sister for my mum but I could no longer go on the way things were as it had such an impact on my family. Family have asked me why I made such a decision but how do you explain that she can never be wrong, that she pulls my family down to make her family look good, she thinks she is so much better then me. She has a tantrum if she does not get her own way. I stayed at my mums house when mum was in hospital because I had a fair drive home and the next week she stayed there and she lives 5mins away. I just want to move on. My husband and I have been so much happier for not having her around. I have had to mourn for the family I should have had. We seem like a loving family but it just is not true.
Jan 27, 2017
 i understand
by: victim

Having learnt to distance myself from my older narcissistic sister, and as she's been absent from any help and care for our elderly mother for nearly 4 years, a recent fall required me to inform her what had happened. This has woken the dragon and she has taken the opportunity to venomously attack me, under a false name on FB accusing me of the most heinous of actions, all lies. The messages are libel and I could take her to court, but it would be more battles and she would love it. I understand, its not what she says, but the motivation of control and power she aims to gain. She has a history of bullying, selfishness and cruelty which washes over our mother. Always the golden child, she has repeatedly hurt her emotionally, yet mum loves her unconditionally. I am the constant, working too hard to gain mums love but I had a revelation on Thursday discovering a short visit and a bowl of soup had absolved her lack of visits, Interestingly I was subsequently outcast. I will continue to be silent a d ignore my sister but am forced to cool emotionally with my mother having been her crutch for all this time. Its just too painful and I must regain my own life
Jan 15, 2017
 Strangling sister
by: Anonymous

My older sister always pretends she was me in stories if it makes people laugh more or pay more attention to her. She always has to be the center of attention and is always making a grand entrance into anything she does.

She now treats her children the same way. What is wrong with her.
Dec 28, 2016
 Milly....
by: Anonymous

Milly, That's the million dollar question, which I have not, and can't even foresee getting an answer to. I have every reason to believe I'll be in perpetual "limbo" in regard to that question. When I do have to communicate with my sister, I've been experimenting with keeping the conversations very simple...staying on my toes regardless of what Hoovering might be going on...answering any questions politely and directly without getting too involved in any unnecessary "chit chat"... (which, I have found, always has some game or agenda embedded within it)....and I'll find an excuse, if need be, that I have to hang up after any necessary communication has taken place. Visiting with her, is more challenging but I haven't found a way around it in my particular situation. What's weird is that I believe she's "on to me"...being "on to her" (if that makes sense) and she seems to be changing her methods as a result...Now I think she's hoping to make a flying monkey out of me now that I've modified my own responses to her. She was quite "pleasant" on the surface at Christmas....which was sooooooo out of the ordinary that I can practically see her wheels turning trying to figure out how best to "use" me, now that her usual "button pushing" isn't working any more. I wouldn't dare mention the word "narcissism" directly to her or the words "no contact". I believe all hell would break loose (covertly, of course)
Dec 28, 2016
 Twisted Sister
by: Anonymous

Thank you to all who have shared their stories. I came to this site with a heavy and guilty heart because I tried to set boundaries with my older sister - again - and it backfired as you may have already guessed. I am a Christian and so I felt I let God down because we went back into the same cycle again - I don't know why I actually thought we could have a healthy relationship. I have experienced many of the same things others have posted here. I found comfort in that even though I am truly sad for all of you. Our relationship ended last night with an extremely disgusting email I received from her not wishing to see me in this life or the next. I assume she thinks I'm going to hell.
We have a narcissistic parent and like another lady here I married a narcissist! We are divorced now - but I carry many scars from my failed relationships. I feel broken. It's all catching up to me and like another poster I am having anxiety and depression now. I just found a therapist and will make an appointment. I feel so much better after reading your pots. Thank you. I will pray for all of us.
Dec 28, 2016
 Advice welcome
by: Milly

I distanced myself from my narc sister earlier in the year when my mother died and there was no further requirement to communicate about her needs. She can tell what I'm doing as I give either minimal or no response to the occasional email she has sent since then. We have not spoken face to face at all since the funeral and I want to keep it that way - I never want to see her again and would just like her to be completely out of my life. Fortunately, she lives a couple of hours' drive away, which is an advantage, though she still exudes gushing charm to my adult children who live fairly near me, recently forcing herself upon them in a visit to meet a new baby. Afterwards she emailed me to say what a lovely time she had had but didn't even send her hosts a note of thanks for having her!

I am trying to psych myself up for the day when I receive a smarmy, hoovering suggestion to visit us or to discuss 'our differences'. I'd like to just say that I never want to see her again but I know that this will be relayed to everyone she knows as a blatant rebuttal i.e further smearing. Should I just do that and accept the likely consequences, or try to squirm out of it by saying it's not convenient etc. (which will no doubt result in further attempts down the line) ?
Dec 05, 2016
 Guy who defends wife "with venom"....
by: Anonymous

Responding to the comment about the husband who defends narcissistic wife with venom.... I would say both "yes"...it IS bizarre if you're talking about a normal situation, but I would also say "no" it's not at all out of the ordinary in THAT situation. She most likely has him well trained....He's most likely just doing what he's been unconsciously "trained" he MUST do to protect himself from her wrath...He's probably unaware that he's being manipulated in that way...Probably feels it's his "job" to side with his wife....and she has probably (when you're not around to defend yourself) fed him some "feigned victimhood"/sob story about how you are victimizing her! My brother-in-law does the same thing....as does my mother and sister. The really weird thing is, I respect and adore my brother in law as a person. He's very down to earth and intelligent, but he has apparently figured out that there's only one way out of that scenario...which is to GO BALLISTIC whenever anyone confronts my sister. He's learned from experience that she won't accept anything less than full support regardless of what's really happening and he's forced to decide between getting involved in her relationship with someone else or saving his own skin....because he's also learned that she will covertly "punish" him severely for "getting it wrong", he does what he needs to do. My narcissistic sister has my mom and other sister "trained" in the same way....and I have to admit, that she had me "trained" in many ways in the past, before I figured her out. I think the word is codependency.
Dec 05, 2016
 Re: Impossible to have ....
by: Milly

That sounds so familiar. My sister's husband also tends to support her, even though we have often heard her being very condescending and unpleasant to him, as has their daughter, and I'm sure he lives a life of just keeping his head down to keep the peace. I haven't had any discussion with him about my sister's behavior, though I'm sure he will have heard all her side of the story. He and I have always got on very well but I think if I tried to criticize her to him, he would stick up for her. Anyway, sadly, I won't be communicating with him either, now that I have distanced myself from her. I'm sure this is very common and it is sad to see someone so subjugated.
Dec 04, 2016
 In response to Milly
by: Anonymous

I stopped speaking to her after another one of our terrible family rows where she was trying to control everything. I spoke to her husband and told him I needed help to fix our relationship as i couldn't go on. I said I thought she had mental health issues and possible narcissism. He went ballistic and told her what I had said etc. We have never spoken since although my bro-In law tried to mediate. In that I mean he insisted that I had to apologise, take it all back and carry on as though the problem doesn't exist. I think he has been de-masculated. He is a door mat and she treats him really badly. I think if he left she would take his kids away, she wealds enormous control and is incredibly manipulative, it's either that or the abuse from her has left him with such low self esteem . Whatever it is he defends her behaviour with venom. It is sad and at the same time bizarre.
Dec 03, 2016
 Wow
by: Anonymous

My girlfriend is having real problems with her sister and as wise as I think that I am my words don't seem to help. So I googled the words" my sister wants to" and the words "destroy me" popped up as a suggestion. I realised straight away then that my GF was not alone and I may find some advice.
Little did I know that I woukd find so quickly such a fitting page and on this very day a woman would write words which describe pretty much precisely the problem which sadly she also experienced and thabkfully how she had learned the only way to ivercome it is to forget hoping for her sister to stop being horrible and start being nice !

Thankyou to you all for sharing your experiences, and goid luck. Fingers crossed all these hurtful people learn to find a happier place.
Dec 03, 2016
 Re: Impossible to have ....
by: Milly

Sounds the only way forward to me in your situation. I'd be interested to know if you told her you were going to go no contact?
Dec 03, 2016
 Impossible to have a relationship with my sister
by: Anonymous

I've written on here before and follow the threads. I haven't spoken to my sister for over 2 years. She has dominated mine and my families lives and demanded a very intense relationship all my life. She sent contradictory messages, showering me with words of love and neediness and demanding my time and energy but her actions were always selfish, manipulative and dishonest. Everything revolved around her in my family and I settled into the background, her needs and wants came before all others. I could literally write a book about the all the things she has said and done that have caused me and my family pain. For me, cutting her off completely was the only option, the intensity she demanded would in itself be a cause for conflict if I backed off. I had tried this in the past. I know now she is'devasted' by me leaving her, how could I be so cold and cruel. She doesn't cry about not seeing my kids, only me because I was tightly under her control and I provided her with a source of energy. Since I walked away she has never contacted me as this would be her losing if she had to contact me so she sits wallowing in her misery, blaming everyone else and telling everyone what a terrible sister I am! I on the other hand am living my own life for the first time, building my confidence and realising I'm not stupid!!
Dec 02, 2016
 Types of non-contact
by: Milly

I think we do each have to select the most appropriate method of handling our narcs. I decided last year to go non-contact with my sister in terms of not responding to nor encouraging 'friendly' contact. For years I had been wary of her, having seen instances of her over-reacting arrogantly when there was any hint of a contrary opinion to hers but that had not barred me from treating her like a sister and interacting with her (mostly on the phone/by email since we live 100 miles apart)in a friendly way.

That was completely turned on its head when she went over the top last year and demonstrated without any doubt, over an extended period, that she holds me in complete contempt. She treated me in a way that no-one with any sense who wanted to preserve a relationship would choose to do. I warned her that unless she acknowledged the wrongness of her behavior (maligning me to others behind my back and making untrue assertions and accusations) that things might never be the same again but she ignored all that and, in response, projected the blame back onto me and branded me as over-sensitive.

Consequently, I can no longer trust her as a friend and have the kinds of 'defenses down' conversations that one would expect to be able to have with a sister so I have now instigated a relationship that is purely functional. If I have to respond to her about something I will do so in the polite way that I would use with someone I don't know very well and only by email. I haven't told her this, just indicated it in my behavior, only replying to emails if a response is required and otherwise not communicating with her. I still send her a birthday card but with no overt sentiments attached.

She has tried several times to hoover me back in. She made a special journey to visit my son and his wife to see their new baby and followed it up with a gushing email to me about how lovely it had been to see them, blah, blah, yet sent them no thank you for hosting her. I didn't reply - there was nothing to respond to. She is playing a manipulative game of showing me that she can continue a relationship with my children even if I refuse to have one with her.

I expect there to be times when we have to be together e.g. family weddings and funerals but I shall keep my distance and have perfunctory but polite contact on those occasions. There is no point in attempting to return to the previous, friendly (or so I thought), relationship in the knowledge that, actually, she really does not like me at all. After all, I wouldn't keep up with a supposed friend who betrayed me in such a way so I am happy to never have close contact with her again, no matter how charming she pretends to be.
Nov 30, 2016
 oops!
by: Anonymous

LOL!!! That's "patience", rather! Please excuse all the typos and spelling errors :)
Nov 30, 2016
 An Unusual Perspective...
by: Anonymous

I've been following the posts here, occasionally submitting posts of my own here for a few years now. I've gone from years of hell...to a little "thread" of a clue...to devouring everything I could get my eyes on regarding covert narcissism...to feeling I now have a much etter grasp of the whole family dynamic that I grew up in. Even though I am not able to change or even "open the eyes" of my other family members (this would take a willingness on their part to acknowledge and feel the pain, confusion, potential guilt depending on the extent of each individuals own dysfunctional patterns, etc...and Major GRIEF which can be excruciating and most people will not choose this over denial)....Even though I can't make that happen for the rest of my family...just being able to see the whole picture more clearly...understanding that each was acting from a particular distorted perception, and from general fear...brought on by the narcissism...and the narcissism ITSELF having been created from fear and self protection in a capitalist country which, for all of it's benefits, has a dark side which actually tends to foster a narcissistic mindset in it's citizens...I have very slowly and incrementally been able to transcend a huge part of the pain. I will probably always have my moments of CPTSD, but generally I feel I've made huge progress, and feel MUCH saner as a result of the mental/emotional/spiritual effort I've put in. I often wonder if the reason there are so many of us in our 50's who are just "figuring this narcissism thing out" might possibly be because there was something about the era in which we were raised....Maybe the "social environment" int the 60's, while there were many good things happening then as well, may have been particularly conducive to the creation of narcissists (???)... But we did not have the internet then. I often feel hopeful, based on the volume of information available, that our society will eventually get a much better grasp and awareness on narcissism...What it actually is, and what it is not, what type of parenting and/or environments encourage it...and even hopeful that we may find someday that it's actually not "incurable". I would like to add for the previous poster that I believe the common advice to go "no contact" is meant as "the easiest"...and sometimes "the only" way a person can regain their own sanity. I don't think that advice should be taken as "you must" go no-contact. I personally understand that it's a much different thing to leave a narcissist husband than to go no-contact with a sibling when there are other family members to consider, etc... If you're not losing your mind...or having your unconscious "buttons" pushed in way that's having a serious negative affect on your life... you CAN continue to have contact. And also, keep in mind, that not all that "appears" to be NPD is NPD. Just be on your toes and keep good boundaries...and see how things go... That's my own humble advice to someone who seems to be in the same situation as me. I tend to avoid my sister, while at the same time try not to trigger her with accusations of having NPD, which would only trigger her wrath, and all of the covert games that follow. We all have to find what works best in our own situation. It's bleeping difficult. Wishing you patients and luck.
Nov 29, 2016
 2 Narcy sisters...
by: EvilMissK

Eeek!
I am the oldest of 3 girls - we were brought up with an alcoholic father (who died when I was 18) and a mother who had nacissistic tendencies. When I was a teenager it was easy to see my dad as being the bad parent, we would walk on eggshells after he had been drinking...which happened more and more. But, after he died, with only our Mum to support us - I began to realise how she too was selfish and toxic - passive agressive, abusive, controlling (no wonder dad drank?).

I have just divorced my narc. ex after 18 years (to whom I have 2 children). After therapy I can see why I ended up in this co-dependent relationship. He was alot like my mum actually.

So, I have started to put up appropriate boundaries. Firstly with my ex. having minimal contact with him (except for arranging visits with our children). But then I found I had to start doing the same with the rest of my family too.

I have stopped calling my mother - she rarely rings me, unless she wants me to do something for her now. If I speak, she tells me to shutup, that she already knows that, and is impatient to only tell me what she wants/needs. Doesn't ask me how I am, how the kids are etc. I hung up on her last time as she was just so rude and offensive.

Recently I had to hang up on one of my sisters. She had started asking me about what I intended to do with my kid's Xmas presents (they are with their dad this year, not me)..without waiting to hear my reply she kept talking over me, asking if I wanted her perspective. I answered 'no' (laughing a little as I hadn't actually brought up the subject). She flew into an instant rage, swearing at me, telling me 'it's not all about you'....I stayed calm (I have learned to do this with my family, this verbal abuse has happened many times over the years). My daughter was sitting next to me and could hear her swearing at me (my sister is a primary school teacher). I hung up the phone, telling my daughter how inappropriate my sister's behaviour was. Last year we had all left her home to stay elsewhere (we were visiting, as she lives a long way from us) when, flying into a similar rage (last time was over my youngest not picking up a glass) - she threw it into the sink, smashing it and terrifying my kids who were speechless. Since the phone call I have not heard from her - she will usually leave me alone for some time, eventually calling months later to say hello...so long as we don't talk about the elephant in the room!

Now my other (youngest) sister has done the same thing, though over different issues! She lives alone, has no children and few friends. She has taken a month off work...and wants me to spend my time with her so she wont be bored. I am part time student at university, and single mum with 2 young children...I also have friends, am busy with my own life. Last week was particularly busy for a variety of reasons - I had told her that I wasn't available earlier in the week when she had dinner at my house. She rang on the sunday and sounded cheerful until I told her I had made plans to have lunch at a friends' place. She instantly flew into a similar rage to my other sister....I was avoiding her, what was my problem and was swearing at me, saying I was just like our mother (?). Needless to say, I am now not speaking to her either (am thinking I should ring my mother...to see if I can get the trifecta?). I emailed my sister - stating that I expected an apology, was happy to meet her for coffee later next week, but she needs to understand that yelling at me and being abusive is not acceptable.

As I said, I'm setting up healthy boundaries for the toxic people in my life. It is not pleasant, but at least I have stopped blaming myself for the way they treat me - wondering if I should have said xyz or shouldn't have said something else. It still erodes my self-esteem, I spent a few days feeling pretty aweful, but am managing to pick myself back up again. I have great friends, my kids are a joy. I choose to live my life with love and respect. I am still a work in progress:)

Letmereach and flying monkeys are great sites to help learn about narcissism.

I still catch up with my psychologist from time to time....just to keep on track!

Peace!
Nov 17, 2016
 Re : Jan 2016 post regarding affecting u & ur husband
by: Anonymous

I'm 47, have 3 sisters, 1 older and 2 younger. I always knew my older sister, by 2 yrs had problems with me- but for no good reason. My parents were very aware as well and it's something she's carried into adulthood- always snarky comments, behind the back things. However, the relationship with my youngest sister, 11yrs younger , had taken a turn for the worse about 7 yrs ago. We were always close when she was young, when I was in my senior yr of college and my fiancé was already done, he baby sat her all the time. So we were close. At some point things changed, she lived in NC & I live in SC. If I called I wasn't allowed to ask anything personal- basically relegated to the weather and her dogs. She then moved to SC by my parents (who are divorced). She had never really had a job yet, she was allowed to live at my dads empty house. She still kept me at arms length. When my dad decided to move back in full time, she moved in with my mom - she's over 30 yrs old. No e of us others, except for the oldest were ever able to do something like this. After 2 yrs at moms, she bought a house ( my father had gifted all of us equal $ , said we could all likely use it then instead of yrs later- I was immensely greatlful). She ended up buying a house out of her price range and somehow getting my dad to give her an enormous excess in secret. Recently she moved an 1 1/2 HR away but comes and stays w/my mom every 4 days for "work" (real estate but she doesn't sell anything G and hasn't tried to get a new job). My biggest issue as of late was this summer(haven't spoken since and my entire family is freaking out because Christmas is coming). On Father's Day we were all at my dads, I went up to go do some comp work My daughter (14) came in crying saying she heard my sister talking to my husband- something my brother in-law said that he could see us getting divorced after the kids go to college because I don't let him have enough fun! I consoled my daughter. She got up and wanted to go ask her dad when he was leaving in the morning- she noticed my sister and him were outside talking. She went on the back balcony to ask and came in in hysterics saying her Aunt was saying all these horrible things about me. So I went out to stop the conversation, stood leaning right where they could see me- but I didn't speak. I couldn't believe the lies and utter venom coming out of her mouth and my drunk husband sitting there! She went on that I didn't love my dad, waiting for him to die for a pay day, that I'm a looser, a waste of space, I've done nothing with my life, that I'm not accountable for anything, the SHE had just pulled all these strings to get my mother her appointment at Sloane Kettering for her lung cancer surgery and that I didn't even care! (I broke my back in '95 when I was 23 and despite several surgeries, I suffer in pain every single minute of every day) that I should just get over my back it was over 25 yrs ago for Christ sake, that how dare I have used handicap parking, it's for people who really need it, that I'm a bad influence on my children, (my daughter was diagnosed w/Dysautonomia 1 yr 7mnths ago , it's a failure of her autonomic system) that I haven done enough for my daughter!! Oh the list went on. She ended with- she's dead to me. I saw red for days, and if her name comes up, I still get so angry. My family thinks she's being the bigger person by letting this go and not having a problem with me coming to Thanksgiving (which I told them for my children's sake and my sanity we would not be going). Now Xmas is usually at my house and I had said I do not want her in my house. So her and my older sister planned and got my parents on bored with having it overnight at my older sisters lake house! A house she constantly poked and jabbed me at 3 1/2yrs ago that I cried driving home and said I'd never go back. And would I spend the night in a house with the other one that said everything? My daughter herself refuses to see her in any way. My parents are not willing to own up to what she did is wrong and there are consequences - that for once, the first time in my life, I am choosing me and my family. She has both my parents Soo twisted around that she's doing right and I'm in the wrong. I've tried to explain to my mother how she's being manipulated about so many things. Only the other day did she admit what my sister said was horrible. They all want ME to fix this. I remind them I did not creat this, I've been the victim. She's created so much damage in my immidiate family and my extended family. How does anyone deal with parents if they are trying to cut out the sibling??
Nov 05, 2016
 TOXIC, HATEFUL SISTER
by: Anonymous

It took a very long time (64 years) before I was finally able to let go of my 3-1/2 years older sister and find some kind of peace.

As children, we were both physically abused (not sexually) by our parents, and my father directed his hatred and anger mainly at my sister, although after she married her way out, three times and three times divorced (no surprise there,) I was the recipient of the beatings she normally would receive. She was "happy" about that, and never once sympathized or offered comfort, which hurt me deeply.

As we grew older, the animosity from her escalated into full-blown severe psychological abuse. When my father died, she reluctantly attended the funeral "for the family" as she explained it, all the while expressing her hatred for him. I had decided to forgive him as I did remember the love I felt for him as a child, something she never received, and she despised me for it.

Sixteen years later, my mother died. Prior to her death, and without ever telling me, my sister bullied her into going to my sister's own attorney to have a new will drawn up. To this day, I have never received a copy of it. My mother gave her POA, which, after her death, literally put me through hell on earth. My sister claimed to feel "guilty" over her extreme emotional abuse of my mother in her later years, but I know now that she is incapable of feeling anything like remorse, she is that selfish and pathological. I was kind to my mother in her later years, and I assume my sister also hated me for that too.

Her ensuing behavior toward me became so extreme, so nasty, ugly and accusatory, I finally had ENOUGH and cut her out of my life over 5 years ago.

I do not miss her at all. She is the devil in disguise and did everything she could to alienate friends (my own friends, not hers!) and family from me.

If you know or are related to a narcissistic person, RUN AWAY as fast and as far as you can. These people are TOXIC and will destroy any shred of self-confidence you may have. They are totally incapable of empathy, and behave in such manipulative ways, it is very difficult to figure them out...at first.

As I said, it took me 64 years to find the courage to just let her go, THAT is how cunning they are at holding on to you for their own demented needs.

I do miss having a normal older sister, something that caused me a lot of pain as a child and young adult. I do NOT, however, miss the mental anguish she constantly caused me to have. Typically, any success I may have had initially drew her to me, only to deteriorate into knocking me down every chance she got.

I'm only sorry I did not recognize her insanity earlier in life.

Remember, RUN as far and as fast as you can from narcissistic people. They are POISON for your heart and your soul...
Oct 30, 2016
 Having a sister that is narcissistic
by: Anonymous

Hello, everybody I am 21 years old and I myself have a sister with narcissism. She was diagnosed in her early teens with it from a family therapyst. My sister and I are only 16 months apart. She is the older one. I was raised in a very christian and safe household with seven children. We are all adults now, but every one of us carry's the painful memories of her lies, bullying, cheating and hurting us. My parents especially. She had spread false allegations of abuse toward my parents because her need for attention is so extreme. She doesn't just have narcissism but also narcissim with histrionics. Living with a mentally ill person can cause you to feel guilty. Don't feel guilty because it ends up taking so much out of you, and you deserve to have your own life to. My parents took polygraphs and passed, and now they want no contact with her. Dear reader I just wish you to know that I know what it's like having a family member who is narcissistic. If you are a parent I hope you can confide in a person about what your going through. I hope you can get your family member the help they need. With the kindest regards.
Oct 20, 2016
 Dear : I want it all and as far as I am concerned you are dead
by: Anonymous

Consider yourself lucky that you don't HAVE to have a relationship with your sister from this day forward. Since implementing a "no contact" rule with my sister I have been able to mourn what I thought was a relationship and start to live MY life. After learning what a true narcissist is you will be able to do this and realize what she was actually taking from you. It is sad but you will get over it. There is no known cure for how they are so you might as well accept it for what it is, I have and my life is so much happier, joyful and filled. My only negative is that I don't get to see my niece and nephew as often and I know it's very hard on them, she doesn't care about what she is doing to them or to me. They won't be kids forever.
I do suggest talking to your friends and your family about how you are feeling and just saying things out loud has been all the therapy I have needed and I was in deep for 40 years,,, so hang in there and continue to educate yourself. Good luck
Oct 20, 2016
 For all who were "the scapegoat"...
by: Anonymous

For anyone who feels they were put in the role of the family scapegoat, Here is a video that lays out the typical family dynamics where there is a narcissistic mother and/or father. Talks about how the narc parent chooses a "golden child" (which is probably what many of your narcissistic sisters were "cast" in the role of) and, unfortunately for most of us here, also chooses a scapegoat. Also talks about HOW they make these decisions... and WHY (as in, what purpose it serves for them) etc. VERY eye opening. It totally hit home. I highly recommend checking it out. You can find it on Youtube by typing in

"Narcissist Offspring The Role of a LIfetime Scapegoat" Or you can try copying this address and pasting into your address bar.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrmFYuyIwxs
Oct 20, 2016
 Narcissist Sister = SELF ENTITLED BITCH
by: Anonymous

I also have a sibling of I have an automatic right to EVERYTHING including the sole relationship with MY parents and you have a right to nothing about sums it up but she was shaped this way by our parents because my mother got raped and had me by her brother while the man she lived with was the biological father of the sibling...I walked away and want nothing to do with any of them...if I get left anything it will be compensation for all the abuse and rejection they have subjected me to
Sep 16, 2016
 I want it all and as far as I am concerned you are dead.
by: Anonymous

Growing up, my sister and I were not extremely close. She always made me feel inferior. As we became older we became, I guess you could say friends. For 57 years she was my sister.

In 2003, my parents' put together a trust to make sure that if they were to be placed in a nursing home, the equity of their house would not be taken and be split between siblings. My sister, Mary, was to be the Executor. A will was put in place and said that all things should be divided equally.

I FOUND OUT THESE FACTS AFTER MY MOM PASSED AWAY.

My Father passed away in 2008, 10 days after my father was buried, my sister took my mother to the attorney to change the Trust, by taking my Dad's name off and putting her husband in his place and adding the clause, Joint Tenants between she and my Mom.

My Mom was put in a Nursing Home after she had Emergency Surgery for a hernia in 2012. This was really the safest thing for my Mom, but it was done inhumanely. She was placed into the NH by my sister who was more concerned with how the nurses perceived HER than my Mother. Don't get me wrong she did a lot for my mom, but did it with a selfish heart. Nothing was done with Kindness. I pushed back on my Sister and that was the beginning of the end. She started ignoring me, saying negative things and trying to play my children against me. My other siblings would not get involved, they did not want to take sides.

2 days after my mom went in to the NH, my sister had a dumpster placed in my Mother's driveway and started throwing and pitching everything SHE did not want. My mom's neighbors' thought mom had died. They all said when Mary and her husband started removing things from the house they thought Alma had died. This was not the case.

It became very hard to visit as I was ignored, ridiculed and bullied. I lived in S.C. and she lived in the same town. My brother lived in CT and would try to visit, at first once a week.

She started telling us that the house was going to be taken, because mom had changed the Trust. THe Lien would probably exhaust any monies from Mom's estate. This was always talked about while my mother was alive, but it was like she was dead.

My mother started becoming depressed and was put on Meds. that I felt were unnecessary and dangerous. I was told to mind my business and was then not allowed to get any information about my Mom. It was a true nightmare. She would tell my brother all kinds of things that weren't true.

At the same time this was going on I had a Medical condition that did not allow me to go up to MA to visit as much as I would have liked. I called daily. This is just a tip of the iceberg with her behavior.

When my mother passed, about 3 weeks after, I received a box in the mail, there was a jacket I had given my Mom, an Annaleigh Doll, and a stuffed Santa Claus. NO NOTE. I called to let her know I had received and tried to talk to her and asked her how long this feud was going to last. Her answer, as far as she was concerned I was dead to her. Her justification of keeping everything was that My Dad, her Stepdad wanted to make sure that my natural brother and I, because we were not good children, that he wanted to make sure that we received NOTHING. I didn't understand any of this because I thought I had a good relationship with my parents.

After telling me I was dead to her, 3 weeks later I received a card from her with a check for $255. for a piece of property MY dad owned. She had sold it and felt she needed to split it. The note was very cordial. I found out later the day she sent the check she had sold my parents house and received $340,000 free and clear. I was a bit miffed but what could I do. I contacted a lawyer but because Mary had POA whatever she did was legal just not ethical.

OKay, counseling twice a week and now it is Christmas. I receive a certified letter from my sister with a check for $10,000 and a very cordial note. WTH.

My brother and his wife have been told God knows what as they barely stay in touch. I want so badly to get over this but I don't know how. COUNSELLING, COUNSELLING
Aug 29, 2016
 Back Again
by: Anonymous2202

I just wanted to say hi and tell everyone that by sharing your stories in this forum we can validate the abuse we have endured for years and begin to heal and move on with our lives.I shared my experiences with this site back in July 2015. This morning after another year of sly, covert abuse from her I contacted her and told her to never contact me again. If other family members and "friends" want to continue supporting her lies and manipulation there is nothing I can do.I have finally reached the point where I am NOT going to tolerate her behaviour anymore, nor allow her to have any control over my life. Sites like this and the amazingly accurate and healing "Flying Monkey's Denied" only further support the degree of damage that disordered people like her inflict on their victims. I wish everyone peace and healing. Knowledge is Power.
Aug 17, 2016
 what do you do when there are nieces and nephews involved
by: Anonymous

Just finding this out has really helped me cope with the fact that I have had nothing more to do with her for over a year now. It got so bad that even the last lie that she told clearly told.... She turned it around on me and others..... I have seen all the characteristics for years, the rage, lies, emotional instability,,,, etc, ect,,, Since we were young we had always been close best friends really I watched as she got older how she destroyed every relationship she was ever in, could never keep friends for very long, they would eventually figure here out or she would cast them out of her life for ridiculous reasons.... The thing is that it was always someone else's fault. It's funny because she told people she loved them like family all the time but they mattered not if they disagreed with her on anything.
My biggest problem right now is that for the past 12 years I have been her number one "supply" and a co-mom to her kids because she rand off there fathers. Now I only get to see the kids if I see them for lunch at there school which is over an hour from my house. I used to see them every other day. It has been very hard on the kids as well, they tell me they cry themselves to sleep allot because they miss me so much. I'm also afraid that her behaviors can rub off on the kids. The no contact has been best for me,,,, it's kinda sad because it's like the person is dead to you,,,, who you thought they were anyway...
I know there is no cure for Narcs and I guess I'll just have to keep driving to see the kids. I guess it just makes me feel better to share and put my feelings out there.
Jul 27, 2016
 thanks for your input
by: Anonymous 9722955

Well let's see... she believes she is smarter than any therapist, so the moment they get close to cracking the surface, she bails.
Because we have recently (finally) put boundaries in place, she realizes she cannot have her way with us any more and all of a sudden is "sorry" for a lifetime of abuse she has dealt all of us.
(too little, too late)
I'm trying to keep my wits about me and not get sucked back in, but I feel sorry for her because she has no friends and now no husband.
Jul 26, 2016
 Re: "your thoughts please"
by: Healing Finally

"is there any hope of an NPD rehabilitating themselves?" - my answer would be -very little-. I see my sister's NPD similar to an addiction; in order for her to rehabilitate she has to take that first step, admit she -at the very least- has narcissistic characteristics. Does your sister show any signs of acknowledging her tendencies? I would go by your instincts, don't let yourself get sucked in! Just remember you have no obligation, especially if you've had past negative experiences with her. My 2 cents!
Jul 25, 2016
 No, it's like an addiction
by: Healing Finally

I think NPD is like addiction, the person who has it is constantly denying reality; and I sometimes wonder if they know they are doing it deep down. To admit one is a narcissist, one has to admit they are not the "be all end all" and either they a) don't see it due to NPD or b) don't want to see it due to NPD. Just like Narcissus looking in the river, he is hypnotized by himself, how can he look away? I wish there was a NarcAnnonymous, but they have to "hit a bottom", loose something that means a lot to them to even consider changing. My two cents. Good luck!
Jul 25, 2016
 Is there hope for NPD's?
by: Anonymous

Dear Anonymous 9722955 Jul 23, 2016

I believe the only hope for NPD or those with sociopathic tendencies is obviously professional feedback. Obviously, they have to first recognize and admit they have NPD issues, however it is doubtful that those with NPD will ever seek professional help or recognize their NPD ever!
Jul 23, 2016
 your thoughts please
by: Anonymous 9722955

is there any hope of an NPD rehabilitating themselves?
or am I just getting sucked back in to my older sister's web since she is running low on supply (her husband of 35 yrs finally had enough and left her out of the blue...)
Jul 03, 2016
 A MUST READ!
by: Anonymous

Great Article entitled "A Deeper Look At Triangulation" .... Triangulation being one of the major "tools" of abuse by narcissists.
See article here:

http://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/a-deeper-look-at-triangulation/

The article is written by Melanie Tonia Evans
(Narcissistic abuse recovery expert, healer, author, radio host) I don't know a thing about her but felt the article was one of the most helpful I've come across. There are a number of links provided to helpful healing tools as well.
Jun 23, 2016
 Identity Theft
by: Anonymous

I have never had my identity stolen in the classic sense...but I find it so interesting that so many of us use that word for the effect that our own personal narcissists have had on us. I can remember sitting in therapy...almost 20 years ago...and the phrase "identity theft" is what came out of my mouth and I remember asking him at the time if he knew what that was...That I'd heard the phrase here and there (it was a relatively new phenomenon back then) and realized that, even though it seemed a perfect phrase for what I was describing relative to my own sister, I was going to have to find a different way to refer to it, because the there was already a different definition for it.

For me, and I'll bet for others here as well, I was describing how she always seemed to be able to convince others...even my family...that I was someone other than who I actually was. Through all of her manipulations...very subtle, and therefore very cunning....she had everyone convinced that "I" was the manipulator...That "I" was "selfish"...that "I" was responsible for every little thing that would go wrong (often things that she would intentionally set me up for)...until I felt that no one was actually capable of knowing the real me...Not even my parents. She even had me wondering if I was crazy at times...until I was finally able to consider the possibility that she had a much bigger problem than I or anyone else would have imagined.

Does this sound like the type of "identity theft" you all here are referring to?
Jun 21, 2016
 You will move forward with confidence
by: Anonymous

Dear Moving Forward by Anonymous Jun 21, 2016 --

You will move forward with confidence one day at a time. At first it is like a ton of bricks coming down on you and it is very depressing , once you realize the extent to which you were victimized. It's Ok to feel that because I think it's a necessary part of grieving. It gets better once you have unbound yourself from the N's chains.

I'm finally free from the torment and never again will my N sister have access to me or my family to continue her abusive ways. She is spinning in circles now that the tables have turned because I now realize WHY she is the way she is. I checked into her background and with the court system. I can clearly see now all the troubles she has so well-hidden from the family. She is a complete fraud, con-artist, thief, liar, and phony.

Some people above mentioned that their N oppressor stole their identity. I'm not sure if that is meant literally or not, but in my case it IS meant literally. My N sister has stole my identity multiple times for financial purposes; to obtain a car loan or lease, for utilities, for dental services. In addition, she has a license in the State to originate mortgage loans. This is what makes her so dangerous; that she has access to people's personal identifying information such as their credit files, social security numbers, bank and asset information, etc. I am not the only person whose identity she has stolen. I know of another person (we both know (mutually) whose identity she has stolen for utility services and I have no doubt there are other victims.

Take care of yourself, love the ones you are with, and above all love yourself!
Jun 21, 2016
 Moving Forward
by: Anonymous

I'm 42 and my sister is almost 3 years older. I was introduced to narcissism about 3/4 years ago and it all clicked into place. It was such a relief to understand the reasons why she has behaved so badly.

Initially I tried to work with it but found that as ever I was still unable to be my true self in fear of her retribution. I have cut myself off completely now and have not had any contact for almost two years. I found this really difficult initially as she has stopped me having contact with my darling niece and nephews who I have been very close with. She has used them as a blackmail threat, until I speak to her I don't see her children and she won't see mine. I've made it clear that she can see my children and I would like them to see their cousins but she won't allow it until I submit to her will. My children are younger than hers (11 & 12) and don't understand. Her children are grown up, 15, 20 & 22 but they live under her rule and to speak to me would be to choose me above her . I had difficulty sleeping and suffered a lot of anxiety over this situation but decided to take control and fight back, therefore I have not crawled back.

It has always been very hard for me as my sister was a complete contradiction, constantly telling me she loved me and wanting to be with me, but she will do anything to get her way and over the years she has hurt me deeply. I have very low self esteem and find it difficult to make decisions as I never had to before - she ruled all that I did, she was always right, always new best and would keep me down where I belonged. She lies with ease and I used to be baffled by her hypocrisy, wondering if I was mad!

She has an entitlement above all else and this has led to her to having many financial difficulties but has always been bailed out by my family. If she wants something she has it and she has the best of everything, she has committed long term benefit fraud to support her spending habits.

Her husband is either very weak or in denial. He hates me for leaving because he is getting it in the neck now as she has lost control over me. It is possible that he hasn't left because he fears her retribution and he too would lose his children ... She will stop at nothing to win on all levels, whether that be a really trivial issue or a major decision.

I fear the damage that has been done to her children but I am not going back to the miserable life I had before. I am slowly building confidence and trying to learn to like myself but it's hard to shake off my childhood beliefs. I am much better than I was and she no longer doninates my day, I have realised that I am able to make the right choices for my family and I'm not stupid. I have thought often of writing a book ... I would not be short of stories about her outrageous behaviour.

I have read all of the posts on here and there are so many similarities, I am hoping by writing my post I can offer support to others in a similar situation and also heal a little myself. Best wishes to all xxx
May 26, 2016
 I meant...Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
by: Anonymous

Woops! Make that "Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder" (a bit sleep deprived..Sorry!)
May 25, 2016
 Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome
by: Anonymous

You all might want to read up on "CPTSD" (Complex Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome) It's defined in a slightly different way than regular PTSD and, so far, from the little I've learned about the differences, it seems like it's the type that would most likely apply to this type of trauma.....long term emotional/psychological abuse....etc....although I'm not sure if this is yet accepted as a real, legitimate diagnosis by everyone in the field of psychology, there are many who do. Check it out and judge for yourself. I'm was blown away by how the description fit my own situation like a glove.
May 25, 2016
 Where have the lot of you been...
by: Deirdre

...all my life. I'm sitting here on a bench in the middle of a very crowded NYC sidewalk with tears streaming down my eyes. Since I can remember, I've had an overwhelming feeling that I'm alone in my situation with my sister, who is two years younger than me. My deep-rooted belief that if I somehow managed to do the "right thing" or say the right thing in regards to my sister, I could fix it all, has only been thrown aside in the past two months. That was when I decided, at age 42, that I had to give up our relationship forever. Without going into great detail (though it's hardly necessary as the previous posters have hit the nail on the head with behaviors and actions of the N), I was talked into moving to NYC to live with my sis and help with her young children while she was often away from home with her new travel business. Deep inside I knew it was a mistake, but I absolutely adore my niece and nephew and was afraid if I didn't move in with them my sister would hire a second rate nanny to watch over them. So I convinced myself that this was a wonderful opportunity for me to change the dynamic between N and myself. Perfect! I was going to turn a mischievous, deceptive, manipulative liar into the sister I've always craved. Our mother passed away 2 years ago at the young age of 59 from a long battle with one of the most painful maladies, metastatic bone cancer. Guess who traveled 12 hours each way to spend a week or two with my ill mother every month? For three long, excruciating years. And I'll bet it won't surprise you to hear that in those 3 years, my sister visited exactly twice. There were always excuses. But you can bet your sweet ass that she used social media to bemoan the fact that her mother was dying. Sympathy came flooding in and continued until well after mom's death. Moving forward, I lived 7 relatively peaceful months with N, but to be fair, she was gone most of the time and I spent my time with her children. The deal was that I would move in and commit to a year at least, not pay rent, have a normal job, but be around to look after the little ones once in awhile. "Imagine how much money you'll be able to save!", N said. I honestly loved every minute of it, but I had to parent her children so often that I was struggling just to stay afloat in NYC. I had little time to work. 6 months in, N caught me just as I was falling asleep to tell me that they had just received a wonderful opportunity. They were going to go to California for 2 months (for her travel company) followed by 4 months in Hawaii and they would rent out the master bedroom on Airbnb while I looked after the apartment until their return. They were leaving in 30 days. 28 days later, I came home to find all of the furniture gone and movers standing in the living room with N. She literally abandoned me in NYC with 2 days notice and was furious when I had the gall to say WTF??? I lived in my car for the next 2 1/2 months, having no savings to fall back on. I now understand just how easily someone can become homeless. When I called my father a month later to tell him what N had done, his reaction was, "You two have just never figured out how to get along." The reasons for my insecurity and self-doubt, along with my need to please everyone hit me in the face at that moment. I honestly had never put 2 and 2 together. I had always just assumed that I was horribly broken in some way. Years of abuse and taunting from my sister has lead to what I believe is something very similar to PTSD. I found out 2 months later when trying to turn on the electric in an apartment I had finally saved enough to put a deposit on that I couldn't because N had stolen my identity and run up a bill of almost $1000 four years ago and never paid a penny on it. When I told her I had found out what she had done and gave her 2 days to fix the problem (even though I would still have to take the hit on my credit which I've fought for years to get close to perfect) she actually had the balls to deny it was her. The account was for the apartment she lived in at the time and has her phone number attached to it!!! She even still has the same number! I told her I would be forced to file a felony identity theft charge if she refused to pay the balance. Her response? "Do what you have to do, but just know that if you go that route this will be our last conversation EVER!" Though it absolutely broke my heart, knowing that I would be cut off from my niece and nephew who are almost as close to me as my own son, I decided that yes, that would be our last conversation ever. I had to give her up. And now I have to heal myself. All this has occurred in the past 4 months, so it's still quite raw. But I already feel as though I've finally been allowed to put down the 2 ton boulder I've been balancing on my shoulders for nearly 40 years. Having read the responses from the amazing group of people who have been brave enough to tell their stories about living as the much overlooked sister of a narcissist, I've decided I need to go into intensive therapy. I can only help myself. I no longer have to try and fix Rebecca. As a post note, N neglected to enroll her children in school upon moving to Cali and though she has only the finest clothes and shoes, she allowed my niece's infected broken tooth to rot without treatment for 2 years. I just returned from Florida (where N's ex-husband lives) where I testified in an emergency custody hearing the kids' father had brought. She not only lost custody, but when she violated the ruling 2 weeks later by taking her children without permission back to Cali and refusing to return them, she will no longer be allowed to have visitation without supervision. No, I'm not rejoicing in her loss. I'm thrilled that the kids are in a stable environment with a loving, caring parent. And I'm overjoyed that I'll now have the relationship I've always had with my precious niece and nephew. But although I have accepted the fact that I'll never again have a sister, I'm horribly sad for her. People are finally beginning to see her for what she is. And though she continues to lie and manipulate (even opening a hugely successful "Help Rebecca bring her kidnapped children home!" GoFundMe campaign) it all feels so tragic to me. Her facade is crumbling. Do I think it will cause her to rethink her behavior? Hell no. I'm not that stupid. Thank you to everyone who posted here, and for those who take the time to read my unintentionally long post. It was probably the most difficult decision I've ever had to make, giving up my relationship with Rebecca for good. But I'm finally free. You can be as well.
May 09, 2016
 Healing from "N-Sister-Scenerio"
by: Healing Finally

I am so grateful to find this website, thank you Michelle for your original post, thank you C. Pratt for keeping this thread going, and thank you everyone for sharing! It has helped me greatly to hear everyone’s story. I am also in my 50s, and it’s only been within the past few years that I’ve been able to accept my family’s sick dynamic - and most importantly - that I should no longer feel obligated to take the blame!

I’ve struggled with a serious alcohol addiction for 35 years, finally quitting 5 years ago. I had no idea how my drinking masked a deep anxiety within me, as I used alcohol to bury my resentment towards my Sister due to her N-Ways. Each time she would smooth talk to get what she wanted (she was covert not overt,) and each time my needs would not get met; I would go numb and say to myself, again, "oh well, nothing will ever change so why should I say anything?"

Over the years the alcohol helped me to tolerate my situation, but I wish I knew that all I was doing was perpetuating my position forever as the family scapegoat! I knew they didn’t like my getting drunk at family gatherings, but I had no idea they unconsciously used my unhealthy behavior as a smokescreen so that no one had to address the real elephant in the room; my Sister always has to get what she wants!

After doing a lot of research, I have come to understand my younger Sister’s illness (NPD,) and how the family has danced around it all these years. I understand how it came about; primarily due to her emotional pain from experiencing learning disorders as a child, and my Mother’s fears and intense need to protect her. My Sister was always pampered, and when she moved out of the nest to get married, her husband took the "pamper baton". Her perception of entitlement has always been astounding.

Her husband’s codependent nature only advanced her self-absorption. When they had children, he had a full time live-in nanny for her, and has done everything in his power to keep her happy and content. As an example; he is currently paying her rent for a house on the beach where she lives by herself to "find herself" – this has been going on for almost 5 years as he rents out rooms in "his house" (as she calls it now) to subsidize.

I have always known that she was full of herself, and that she wasn’t a very good sister (I cannot count one thing on one finger that she has done for me out of the kindness of her heart.) Due to her ability to manipulate me I was never able to win in an argument so have always had severe anguish with addressing my wants/needs due to fear of confrontation.

But, I never understood until recently the level of trauma I went through due to the dynamic of the family always working to meet my Sister’s demands (she was covert, not overt.) I have forever dealt with an overall feeling that I just don’t matter very much. I have struggled to make a distinction of what a want or need IS. I have never felt comfortable with promoting my talents and have only known myself as what I do for others.

Unfortunately, due to my low self-esteem, I have been comfortable in the subservient role. All of my significant partners (except my current one) have either been selfish, demanding, narcissistic or abusive.

I also find myself in a position of being used as a scapegoat over and over again, as I don’t stand up for myself; plus it’s comfortable/familiar. I’ve noticed this at work and in other social dynamics.

Several years ago I went to a lecture on Narcissistic Siblings. I had acknowledged that my Sister was narcissistic and was hoping to gain some insight on how to deal with her from the lecture. The professor said that the other sibling (me) would continually feel "It’s not fair", and that totally resonated with me! In my family I learned to stay quiet in the background; ultimately receiving the message that my needs were not important (how fair is that?)

I then made the terrible mistake of trying to educate my Mother and my Bro-In-Law of my Sister’s personality disorder. I actually did this out of grave concern as I watched my Sister progress further into fantasyland, and I was hoping to educate them that their support for her dreams was only amplifying a dream that someday may crumble.

Unfortunately the email was filled with anger and my Bro-In-Law, desperate to hang on to his relationship with my Sister, convinced my Mother that they should share my concerns with my Sister about her NPD. My Bro-In-Law was like my big brother, we would vent to each other about my Sister all the time. But, I had no idea it all changed when my Sister moved out of their house. Of course, my Sister hasn’t spoken to me since, even after I’ve sent numerous "I’m Sorry" letters.

My 84 year old Mother suffers greatly due to my Sister and I no longer speaking (my Dad died 9 years ago and this would not be happening if he was alive today.) My Mother is dependent upon what little union my Sister and Bro-In-Law have left, and is very close to her grown grandchildren; which keeps her in denial of the whole situation. When I ask her why she thinks my Sister won’t contact me she says "She must still be very hurt by your words." It pains me greatly that she forever defends my Sister, further discounting my needs; but I am mature enough now to know that she just can’t help herself.

Plus, I think she will always stay in denial of my Sister’s illness as I do not think she wants to admit she may have had a part in its creation. What she knows of NPD is that the child has to have been traumatized. I have tried to educate her that NPD can happen due to over-pampering, but still she doesn’t want to "go there." She now does not remember my Sister ever being self-centered, (scary as she used to complain to me all the time when she was younger, I know that others have experienced this as well.) Fact is to, I wonder if it is hereditary, as my Mother’s Mother definitely was a narcissist.

Today, my Mother, and the rest of the family, consider "the family rift" as just between my Sister and I, no one addresses how the information was shared with her (and the rest of the family) without my knowledge or consent by my Bro-In-Law and Mother. No one seems to remember how I have always been ready to drop everything for them. Even my own 30+ son stays neutral as he does not want to rock the family boat.

I always knew if I got angry with my Sister directly she would alienate me, so I would vent my outrage to someone else. Of course this was very unhealthy behavior so I am grateful that the habit - and "reservoir of resentment" dam - has been broken.

I am sad. Unfortunately I am still being used as a scapegoat in the family as they don’t contact me (someone here said that" it should be obvious that a loving family would never treat one of their own like this", agreed!) I continually go back and forth between anger and empathy for everyone. As someone said "Hers is the greater hurt" and I know this is true. As difficult as my situation is, I am grateful that my Bro-In-Law did this, as it has freed me from feeling any responsibility for my Sister. I have spent countless hours being there for her in so many ways as I felt obligated.

I have been in therapy for 30+ years dealing with feeling bad about myself and unable to have a healthy relationship with a partner(I also deal with depression which I’m sure is also heredity.) I am hoping that the stronger I get with my research, reading and journaling; I can finally get to the point where I no longer need therapy.

Every now and then I check out her "Facebook FAN page" (yes she considers herself a celebrity) and every time I do I wish I didn’t as it makes me so sick to see the façade and all the people that fall for it, further supporting her ego. Yes, social media is not good for narcissists!!

What I take with me today, thanks to all of you:
*I can forgive myself, and no longer carry guilt for my negative actions/reactions (thank you to those of you who shared this.)
*I can admit that my family is toxic for me, and I need to keep a safe distance (like others I am torn between not wanting to give up on my family, and yet knowing I must protect myself.)
*The feeling that I was losing my sanity was normal! "It’s Not Fair" became "I’m Not Crazy" and I consoled myself with this, who knew it was establishing a very sick mental pattern for me.
*My identity has been severely impacted by this dynamic. I don’t feel my Sister took it away but she did manage to get involved in my interests and aggressively compete with me.
*I know that I can’t change anyone, so as I get more emotionally healthy most likely the gap between myself and the others will become wider; so I need to expect more push back and be strong.
*Someone here said "One day you will wake up and be shocked that your first thought in the morning isn’t of anger at how you’ve been treated". Boy oh boy, I have carried this with me up until about 6 months ago, forever waking up angry at someone due to "them walking all over me."
*Someone here said "I’ve come to think of my Sister as more of an addict…" I agree, it’s like she is addicted to her dreams and denies everyone else’s needs as she feels entitled. When I see her in this light I am more sympathetic (as I have had major addiction issues as well.)
*I love this "Do not think you can make up with them, the moment you try this, they have ’50 commands’ ready for you to do." I know my Sister would only accept me back "in her good graces" if I continued in the subservient role; which I will be challenged not to fulfill.

Finally I would like to share an article that I found very helpful:

"Are You More Awake Than Your Family? 12 Ways to Heal Family Relationships for the Holidays"
http://wakeup-world.com/2014/12/10/are-you-more-awake-than-your-family-12-ways-to-heal-family-relationships-for-the-holidays/

I wish you all peace within, finally.
Apr 23, 2016
 All that and more
by: Anonymous

To Anonymous Aug 31, 2015, Fasten your seat belts

My N oldest sister is all that and more. I am sure most here can agree and identity with all those traits in our N siblings. Very glad I found this website. It really has confirmed what I already knew about these pathetic narcissistic creatures. And a big thanks goes to the poster who shared the link to Andrew Vachss' You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart
http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html. You all are special and in my heart I pray for each of you. The love that they withhold is the pain that they will carry. Love yourself and the ones who love you back. : )
Apr 16, 2016
 The GOOD The BAD & The UGLY
by: ANASTACIaCaliGurl

I have finally pinpointed "what" exactly my EX sister and mother both are. Malignant Narcissists. NO SURPRISE HERE.

My alchoholic/druggie sister is different in that she has actually made attempts to kill my other sister (the COOL BAD ASS ONE)...my Mom would insinuate and say Things about my dying Dad like, "I can't wait for it to be over"... Referring to him as an "it" that's just in the way, and man can they both cry for themselves but not others. Crocodile tears at best... But the youngest and last to be born wants so very many others dead... More than I am aware of I'm sure of that.

I'm the oldest of three girls. The second one leads a crazy lifestyle but would never hurt or plan to hurt family. The youngest (ironically) the one with 2 kids is a proven crazed boozed-up, drug addicted, sociopathic, madwoman, a TRUE Malignant Narcissist.

She's the MN still egging my house (enlisting others to do the dirty) on Easter and leaving foul and crude "gifts" on my Mother stoop with GFY written on it the same day 2 years ago.

Stalking me last year (3 times in 3 weeks) at my new job. ((She must really miss my guidance and advice))... She was Just to try to elicit a response in the hopes I would be fired (none of which worked, making her MAD MAD MAD LOL), meet my coworkers to spread lies and make TRY to make me look bad (her very favorite) and mostly cause disrupt in my life and get inside my head. (STILL DIDNT WORK) I quit soon after for other reasons but she likely thinks ((because she's the Queen of Ugly Bully World which includes old people, kids and animals)) it's due to her nasty toxic and ugly presence.

Her email even reads how she wants to be viewed... FEAR-SHERRY. No one is afraid of her... She simply makes people nauseous just hearing her voice how she deserves EVERYTHING FOR NOTHING. HOW SHE WANTS HER SISTER DEAD...WAH WAH WAH... It's similar to hearing a big 46 years old baby cry with a full belly and a tit in their mouth. Truly pathetic.. And she's past due to grow the hell up.

She lets others pay her way because she's not smart enough to look after her own kids and get a "real career" ... She's mad about THAT TOO. I nicknamed her the Killer Cashier... Very fitting.

I found that email name disturbing a hilariously pathetic vie for attention in the worst way... But she truly despises herself.

Jealous, envious and pissed off that she's not attractive and intelligent like my other sister. Jealous that I've dated and still know celebrity folk... Absoluytely furious I would NOT bring her into that world but included my real sister... The only one I call family.

Most of all she wants me, my sister and my mother dead. Not gonna happen... She may have to get more people to try once again. Psycho!!

After my Dad died she said, "all we need is 3 signatures and we can get Mom locked up, then we can get the money." I told her she was crazy.

I'm only touching on a few things here due to the fact the story is so long (3 decades plus) of whining, plotting, planning to attempt to destroy others. She really needs to find a hobby.

I'm trying to understand who I am, why I am who and what I am and that's a good person who likes themselves.
this "IT" of A Human is not worthy of me or my time and presence.

I now simply refer to me and my sisters as The GOOD, The BAD and The UGLY ( UGLY INSIDE AND OUT) I can stillfind some humor in all the drama and toxic purging of the past 3 decades of my life.

My Dad did get the final word and typed a 5 page letter ripping into her and telling her he was ashamed that he produced such a vile and disgusting human. That she was a bad mother is every way possible way with welfare fraud, drugs, leaving her kids with anyone so she could party, and sleeping with any guy that might have a house to take, money, drugs or all of the above. Basically telling her she's a loser that he should have disowned her if it weren't for her kids. OUCH...She's been really raged since that letter in 2006.

She has no clue how close she came in 2000 to losing them in court. We all banned together and started a plan and he decided he was just too sick to follow through... For her it would have meant losing her most valuable ammunition... Because that's ALL she "had"... And no longer does. To the MN sister, her kids are just THINGS to toy with...
She regretted having them so that does sum it up nicely.
Mar 25, 2016
 SAME BOAT
by: Anonymous

I ended up with both a narcissist, aggressive bully for a sister who is also self entitled and greedy, with a narcissist who stands behind her thinking the mentally unstable behaviors are normal and I am labelled as abnormal and too laid back by them to deflect what their issues are...I find my life a nice peaceful place when I am not having to deal with their drama...her daughter has followed in her footsteps sadly so the cycle repeats, except her daughter is unable to sustain any relationship with anyone normal because as soon as he sees the dysfunction in the family they are wise and run the other way
Mar 20, 2016
 AHH THE INTERNET
by: Anonymous

Thank God for the internet. Imagine dealing with this and thinking it only happened to you. Or that you might just be making things up, or worse yet that maybe you're over reacting (as some of the people I know have told me).

This has affected me my whole life. To the point that for almost 2 decades, I have been dealing with severe depression. It's good to have a medium (the internet) to exchange these experiences. The history of humanity has changed a lot since the internet. I feel bad for people back in the day who had to deal with this on their own, and could not really understand what was going on, since they really did not have access to a wide selection of information, like this. And because they probably had no one to talk to about this.
Mar 08, 2016
 I needed this
by: Anonymous

I'm at the breaking point dealing with my narcissistic sister. Growing up we were always very close, we are only 2 years apart, she's older and she was always very protective of me and we sort of clung to each other growing up in an abusive household. But once she hit her teen years she turned into a monster. I really didn't know that she was a narcissist until I did some online research, and she has all the characteristics. I'm the only family member that still talks to her, everybody else is fed up with her bullshit and does not want anything to do with her (of course they're the ones with the problem, according to my sister) I'm to the point now where I definitely want to seek counseling, and also distance myself from her. I just needed to vent, thanks.
Feb 13, 2016
 just awoken to the fact that my so called sister is a narc
by: Anonymous

I have literally in the last couple of weeks,just realised that my older sister is a narcissist, I always knew things weren't right all throughout my childhood, I was blamed for everything and my protests of innocence fell on deaf ears, I was so frustrated and angry because nobody believed me, what I think you might find interesting though is the way I came to realise. It was when I met my now husband 8 years ago, his mother was horrible to him bossing him around, taking money from him, using her key to enter his home to take money and immediately I knew I didn't like her, she controlled the people around her like puppets, my then boyfriend was scared of her (he was 37 at the time)and it seemed that nobody could see through her except me but I kept my thoughts to myself after all nobody would have believed me, she was a perfect example of a narc. Anyway to cut a long story short, my now husband did eventually see through her Oscar winning act, when he married me, she was livid, not because of me she would have been the same with any woman but because he should have been there to pander to her every need for as long as she lived and in her head I ruined what she had planned for him, so we have had no contact with her for 3 years and its been wonderful, she never even told him that his father had passed away she put on facebook what a terrible day they had at his funeral, that's how my husband found out, she is evil. Back to my sister, she's been bullying my 88 year old mother since my dad died 3 years ago in subtle ways though totally deniable, she's turned her younger more vulnerable children against their nan telling them what a terrible childhood she had ( bullshit)she says some things and I wonder what planet she is on, she constantly lies, plays the victim and goes into a rage if you pull her up in one of her lies, she hasn't been in touch with my mum for 3 weeks and she lives 2 minutes away, not even by phone because my mum didn't beg her to take her shopping, so for the first time in her life my mum is standing her ground and leaving her to get on with her lies and life and so am I, my sisters older daughter (my niece) has also been on the phone to me telling me how her mother always makes her feel rubbish about herself and that she always plays the victim and she's never wrong. I feel that I realised so quickly what my husbands mother was like because of my sister, they are so alike, so my point is trust your instincts if something or someone doesn't feel right its probably not, me and my darling hubby have also found out that we have more in common than we originally thought and that's being bullied as a child by a narcissist and its made us even closer and it also explains a lot about our personalities and we both hate liars with a passion. We are now moving on with our lives we're moving away, my mum is staying with us whenever she wants and we're looking to a brighter future. One thing that I have realised is that the narcissists that I have had in my life will NEVER have what me and my husband have and that's happiness and that sort of makes me feel a little better.
Feb 05, 2016
 That's one HUGE question!
by: Anonymous

That's one HUGE question, and I, personally haven't found an answer to it, though I've tried for years. This is one of the most disturbing things about it...That until there is a way to bring this into the light, all we can do is just sit back and watch them do immeasurable harm...to people who don't even know how they're being used! This is a whole other huge step and learning curve...How to cope with having this knowledge...knowing that until a narcissists "proxy" is completely at their wits end, there's nothing you can do to save them...They just can't SEE it before that time. I suppose the best we can do is try and be there for them when/if they are finally able to see it.

This is just from my own personal experience, mind you. If anyone has a better answer, PLEASE share!
Feb 04, 2016
 Getting others to see the truth
by: Milly

The great question is: how do we, who know what these people are like, educate others about them? Because narcs seem so charming to those whom they do not wish to alienate, their allies cannot believe that they could behave in such a malignant way and, therefore, believe that the narc's accusations must have some truth. Most people don't have the experiences we have had so can't relate to them which is how narcs get away with so much.
Feb 03, 2016
 Thank you on advice for gift
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your advice. I ended up graciously accepting the gift. She visited for 3 hours and didn't stop talking once about herself. I hardly talked the entire time. It's weird. She didn't even ask how my girls were doing. She asked how my son was only because he came walking in the house while she visited. I will continue to limit contact with her. I just wish we could be normal sisters. I'm thankful for my husband who supports me, because he has seen her craziness! She couldn't hide it from him like she does to so many people! My kids are precious to me and I'm glad they have a healthy relationship with each other. I'm also thankful that I have found this site!
Feb 03, 2016
 To "Thank You for your Comments"...
by: another Anonymous

Oh yes...I certainly got the idea and sympathize completely, and wanted to THANK YOU BACK and everyone else here for sharing your experiences. Somehow it makes a huge difference to know I'm not alone nor crazy for seeing what I see. So much strength can be gained just from that alone.
Feb 03, 2016
 thank you for comments
by: Anonymous

Thank you for your comments, I understand you all completely, we could write a book, and make good money, story of our narsistic sibling, mother ect, my sister always been manipulating liar, to make herself look good, and I cant believe some actually believe her shit, she manipulates, and is a con, she has no heart, no emotion, she loves drama, and starts drama all the time, and if you donot reply, she states that must be truth or they would reply or defend yourself, they like that, it gets their motor running so to speak, but in the long run, it makes you look like the bad one, best to ignore and stay a distance from them, sometimes that is hard when you have to see them at weddings, funerals, because they are watching every move and cant wait to spread some lies about you once again, Jealousy, they have no emotion like love, so anyone who is in love or has a heart, they will try to destroy relationships with lies ( example tell husband wife, they slept with them ) or tell husband that wife is sleeping around, and just to get that glimmer of wondering in their mind, they will do manipulation ect to get someone finances, other assets, and after its too late the victim realizes they been conned,
she has a strong sexual appetite, if married she will commit adultry, and if caught she will lie herself out of it, they are clever, smart, he concerns, are fake, religion, she uses that, so everyone things shes a God fearing christian the fact, is they break more of the commanments then anyone I know, but God is a loving and forgiving God, so its ok, God forgives them for what they do wrong, but the victims they leave in their trail are many, I could go on and on about my sister the narsistic bitch, but I think by now you got the idea
Feb 02, 2016
 Gifts
by: Milly

Soon after the episode that will finish our relationship, it was my birthday and I was interested to see what she would do. She sent me a card and a gift token at a greater value than previous gifts. So I sent her a short but polite thank you note and later spent the money on a book about sociopaths - I thought that seemed fitting but obviously didn't tell her! When her birthday came round, I mirrored her gift with a voucher of the same value and will continue to do this until the day comes when we can, perhaps, stop doing this futile thing altogether.

Her Christmas present was a joint one between my husband and I, an unwanted household item which, since she won't know, will eventually go to a raffle or a charity shop.
Jan 31, 2016
 To I need your advice
by: Anonymous

Hard topic regarding the gifts as with most people the rule of accepting gestures graciously applies. As we know, they are not normal people. The mere fact that you are uncomfortable signals a problem. As I work hard through issues with boundaries, etc., I can only say that if it is a problem for you, it is a problem, period. I have donated so many "gifts" to people in need so that I know the sentiment went where it needed to go. Since it was given to you, it is now yours and you can donate to keep it happy. If you can't bring yourself to accept and release, you can tell her to kindly give any gifts to the charity of her/your choice. Hope that helps, stay strong!
Jan 30, 2016
 This is what I'm doing....
by: Anonymous

Your sister sounds just like mine! She just turned 56 two days ago and I'm 52 (same age difference!)and lives 1.5 miles from me...the rest of the family in another state. I think I may have already written about this once here before, but she always gets me very "cute" little gifts with a hidden passive aggressive "hint" included. (for instance once she got me a cute little tin that said "Nut Case" on it..lol..I just laughed and said it was hilarious...and I could tell that wasn't the response she expected or wanted. At this point, because I'm now past the phase of wondering if I'm the crazy one, I just thank her and move on...and pretend not to notice the little dig. She usually takes me to dinner on my birthday, which I've decided to be o.k. with since I feel it buys me a good chunk of time that I can then avoid her...It seems as long as she can pretend all is well between us, she's a lot less likely to go out of her way to impose herself in my life. Of course, I return the favor...(not including the passive aggressive gifts...that's just dumb) I'm actually taking her out tonight for her birthday...No, I don't trust her either...I always have to break out my notes and "warnings to self" before spending time with her. I've also managed, over the last few years to make it clear that I'm really not into anything too special, gift-wise, and that I'm now just buying little random "token" gifts...and that I'd love it if she followed suit. This makes it impossible for her to use her gifts to make me feel like I owe her something...It took a couple of times of her giving me more than was necessary and me just thanking her, but showing no sign of owing her for it for her to get the picture, but I "think" we're now past that particular game.
Jan 30, 2016
 Coping with a narc
by: Milly

My narc sister is too clever to let others see her nasty side - she just exercises it with me when she thinks she is being thwarted from having something she wants or when she perceives some minute criticism of herself. I've only become (painfully) aware of her gross antagonism in recent years and cannot understand where it comes from. Presumably it is spawned by jealousy going back to childhood when I was more academically successful than her, possibly prettier too, and could subsequently be said to have had a better life than her in adulthood (though no-one else would ever realize this was the case from looking at her lifestyle). She has treated both me and my husband with such utter contempt that the relationship cannot recover from it as she totally refuses to accept responsibility for her actions but projects the blame back onto us. She has bad-mouthed us behind our backs, some of which we know about though we don't know the extent of its spread. The only way forward will be to detach ourselves once we have no need to have ties through a still living parent. It's not nice to know that there are family members and friends of hers who now think negatively of us, without any justification, but we live some distance away so will just have to accept that that is the way it is and we're not going to let it affect our happiness. These types of people do such harm and it is impossible to turn around the lies and manipulations they have used to discredit you and set others against you. Good luck to all of you who suffer from them - lots of reading on websites such as this do help and give you strategies to cope.
Jan 29, 2016
 I need advice
by: Anonymous

I'm needing advice. I'm 50 and my sister is 54. I have gone low contact with my sister for the past 9 years. Last year I talked with her 3 times. I don't trust her, she is very two faced. If I explained all she has done to me it would take a book. We live very close to each other and the rest of my family live far away, so they don't really know how awful she is to me. She never included me in her family life, but I would always included her in mine. She talks bad about me in front of me and behind my back to friends and coworkers. She always use to tell me how sensitive her daughters were and after 40 some years of abusing me, she says I'm sensitive now!! One of her daughters won't even talk to her. Her other daughter cut herself and was on drugs in her teen age years and now has been diagnosed having ptsd. My question is that she insists on giving me a birthday gift every year even though we hardly talk. I feel uneasy and uncomfortable about receiving a gift from her, because I don't trust her. In the past, she has told me that when people have been upset with her that she never tells someone she's sorry. She is just nice to them until they have a relationship with her and forgives her. She has done this to me over and over until I became wise to what she was doing. She also hoovered me in by making herself the victim over and over again. She usually is the one victimizing though. I'm tired of being blamed for her life by her. Should I except the gift and just keep quiet or should I just say no thank you. I can only really talk to people on this site about this, because you all realize how they will retaliate is some way.
Jan 01, 2016
 Back Again
by: Anonymous

I wrote on May 9th 2015 about my N sister. Things have not changed since that post. She continues to cause mega drama then pull away and say "Wasnt me, its all you." The crazy behavior has not changed in a whole year. She continually calls me to tell me how horrible I am and how much she hates me. I finally blocked all forms of communication before the holidays as I had read they get crazier around the holidays. Thankfully it went calmly and very lonely with no family left to celebrate with.

I wanted to write to all of you to tell you that the abuse we have suffered for a lifetime can be supported by any al-anon or ACoA group. The affects of narcisstic abuse and alcoholic abuse on the victims are exactly the same. Its free and such an amazing experience and rewarding healthy growth comes as a result. Even facebook groups provides such an outlet for this abuse.

Also, exercise is paramount to our own healing. I found myself growing by leaps and bounds the more I worked out.

One more word of advice from someone in your shoes. I discovered that I also played my part in the abuse. Many of us are codependants and we do a wonderful job feeding the Narcissists empty souls. Its because our souls are so big we feel we can fill others up and we try with all we have. It leaves us worn out and drained. BUT!! The difference is that we WANT change. We WANT growth and that is an amzing trait to possess. Never get stuck in your anger, that is how the Narcissist came to exist.

There is hope for us all. We may never have the relationship we want with our family or sisters but we cant control that. What we can control is our lives, our wants and our dreams, so simply live life to the fullest and dont anyone stand in your way.

Happy 2016 to you all. Make it great. Hugs.
Dec 30, 2015
 Soooo similar!
by: Anonymous

I have recognized my (8 year older than me) sister's narcissism for years.... however reading through these posts just added even more memory anecdotes to the journal!

There was always so much drama between my mom, another sister, this one and myself. We have discovered at the root of it was her totally lying and manipulating us into fights and "sides"... for our whole lives. There was so much "she said that you said that...." and everyone always believed her and next thing you know, there's a family fight. When the truth would come out, she could manipulate her way out of it. While we all recognize it now, you can't fully undo the damage.

I used to take care of my sister's kids too. We would go for a long walk to visit friends, the kids would be little and whining about the walk, she would snap at them, I would carry them, and then she would walk into the friends' house all smiles, carrying her kids like she was the best mom ever. If it seemed like they liked me too much, she would find a way to stop talking to me and I would miss out on time with them.

I graduated university.... solely because of her. See, she told me so often that I would never finish it, couldn't, wasn't smart enough, etc. that don't you know... that was just her way of motivating me? Nice...

She moved into my best friend's house within a month after him getting married. She told them that her husband was abusing her and that I refused to let her stay with me (untrue). She convinced them to lie to me for weeks about it. When the story came out, she was full of stories to get herself out of it, including turning the tables to tell me that my best friend was abusive to his new wife... (lots of "abuse" stories with her over the years...)

When my dad died from cancer, she told me that she was so relieved that she had cancer instead of me, because there was no way that I could handle being so sick... (remember this one for later....)

My husband and I separated towards divorce. After the announcement and the proceedings were in process, I fell in love with a wonderful man. My ex and I ended amicably and he knew everything as it happened. My second husband and I have been happily married for 6 years (my ex is also happily married).... My sister actively cheated on her husband for 6 months, told the new guy that my brother-in-law abused her, put make-up on her arm and texted the new guy pictures and claimed my b-i-l did it. She then ditched her whole family of children (including her adopted son, but that was o.k. because she never felt "connected to him" anyway) and moved across the country to be with this man. But I of all people should understand... because after all, I had done "the same thing", right?

Oh yeah... and the kicker... she faked cancer for over 10 years... she took money from friends, family, coworkers, bosses etc. under false pretenses (she has since paid the fundraising money back which has been donated to charity), after initially using the fundraising money to cheat on her husband under the pretense of a new research treatment across the country.

I began making calls a few years ago, and found out from all sorts of people that when they would question her about the money for the cancer treatments, she would fly into a rage, including telling her boss (when he told her she needed to pay money back he had lent her) that she would charge him with sexual assault.

Her children have decided to forgive her (they don't know most of this or most of any other story aside from just "faking cancer") and they are trying to forge ahead with a relationship because she is after all, their mother. I have barely had any contact with her in about 5 years and am much happier for it. However, it doesn't stop those "aha!" moments of memories of ways she dug at and destroyed family relationships over the years.

Unfortunately, your sister, and the memories, are yours for life. That said, a sister is still just a person, and you can chose to move on and away from them and their destructiveness.
Dec 20, 2015
 My Narcissistic Sister
by: Anonymous

I have always struggled to have a relationship with my sister - we are both now in our 40s and I have finally tried to cut ties. My sister treats me as an after thought - I was always the one visiting her never the other and I helped look after her kids when they were small. I know have kids myself and can count on one hand how often she bothers with them. I guess I was willing to let it slide but when she is now treating my children as she has always treated me I can't deal with it. They should not be made to feel unimportant I won't allow it. She is not to blame, she never is. I've tried and tried over the years to have a relationship with her but it just falls back into old patterns. This time I have made it clear on talking to her I'm not doing this anymore and am not coming back. I just hope I have the strength to keep my word. A small part of me always thinks but she's my sister surely she must love me. Sadly I don't think that is the case.
Dec 10, 2015
 Evil sister
by: Anonymous

I too appreciate reading that I am not alone. My N sister was my mother's favorite. Even though there were 8 children, we were closest in age so it was always me who heard , why can't you be more like your sister. My sister grew up to be controlling, with addictive bahaviors - smoking , drinking, eating disorder. She is anorexic. A few years ago I realized my oldest sister who is bulimic is also a narcissist. My oldest sister hurts you because you are collateral damage. The other sister is deliberately evil. I had distanced myself from her but after my Mother's death, in her delusional state she has fabricated stories against me. She has turned half the family, including her children who I was very close to against me. It is very hurtful that I am no longer part of family dinners, or wasn't invited to my nieces wedding. I think as long as she is alive I will be an outcast. It is frustrating that there is no fixing this situation.
Dec 08, 2015
 Am over it
by: Anonymous

I am the youngest of three daughters - younger by 7and 5 years. I have a lovely relationship with my eldest sister by 7 years. My other sister is unbearable - I don't believe she has ever forgiven me for being born. She also treats our elder sister like dirt. She firmly believes and has told people that she is the most intelligent and successful of the three of us. She constantly lies to cause trouble but when you take a stand denies, denies, denies. Always has to be centre stage. Is jealous of my elder sister and my closeness and tries to make trouble. Elieves everyone man, including our husbands (who can't stand her), secretly desire her. Our mother is 93 and once she passes I intend to completely cut all ties.
Oct 31, 2015
 Is she a narcisist?
by: Anonymous1

I am really not sure if my sister is a narcissist. I am 41 and she is 32.She cant leave my mother's side, yet she bosses Mum around.I have identified that Mum is a N.I recently spoke to them both about my Uni graduation coming up and they dont really give me answers as to if they are going to go or not.My sister just kind of 'hhmmmms' when I mention it.A few years ago the 3 of us travelled interstate for my grandads funeral.Later that day we went to a hotel.In the lift my sister started yelling at me because I looked sad and she said to stop it and I was being annoying.Mum just agreed and they stormed off. I am not allowed to be sad or sick-they get angry.Oh and my sister has told me before that my anxiety problem makes me weird and annoying and she is embarrassed to be around me.Recently she started to give gifts from op-shops and says she doesnt believe in gift wrapping or cards so usually she puts my gift in a box that contained some really expensive gift for her(spoilt) toddler.I dont know if she's just mean?
Oct 26, 2015
 I so get this!
by: Kim

My sister lies, distorts, etc. to be relevant. She is so good at "flipping" any conversation that, I (the one in therapy) gets anxious and defensive. I'm pulling away as fast as I can. Now that our Mom has died, the tie that once bound us all is gone. When I don't hate her, I feel sorry for her. It's all so pathetic.
Oct 13, 2015
 58 and still in pain
by: Anonymous

Only in the last 3 yrs have I realized the full impact on growing up with a Narcissitic Golden Child older sister.....just now seeing the total impact and trauma of it all. She admits that she has always hated me..even as when I was a very young child. I am a "tender heart" and always thought something must be wrong with me. I have always wanted my big sister to love me and couldn't figure it all out. Thankfully in my 30's I started realizing it was more about her issues, not my value. Yet still, to this day, the effects she has had on my life and the dynamics her hatefulness, lies, and manipulations have enforced in our family, effect me. Through her lies about me and her rejection of me, she has poisoned my rapacious hips with our younger sister and mutual friends.
She is simply mean, cruel, selfish, greedy and a liar and a their. Yet, she has an ability to smooge the "unknowing" who are not her intended targets, into thinking that she is kind and generous, all the while critising and ridiculing those same people behind their backs. I could tell endless stories of the things she has done to harm me. It's so painful. I am trying to detach emotionally from her. The difficulty is that she is so involved with my whole family. Most of them are clueless, as she grooms them as allies, or has "bought" their affection. She has most of them in her evil clutches, and I am kept the outsider. Very complicating to expain the whole story. If I were to detach totally, I would have to sever my relationship with my younger sibling and her family as well. Plus all the cousins, including my grown kids are in relationship. It's a tragedy that one mean and destructive person can bring so much pain!
Oct 12, 2015
 A Narcissistic Sister who manipulates the family including her Grandcilhdren!
by: Anonymous

I have just been reading some comments which have alleviated some of my concerns.
My older sister was always a little domineering and married a bully who always undermined her, criticized everything she did, was very controlling.
She has been single for a few months now and has been manipulating the whole family even her own grandchildren, which I find very disturbing, quite a sick thing to do. It upsets me so much when I think of her actions and her verbal abuse I feel physically sick. She has bullied her own children over the years. which I was in total shock over for some time, especially the daughter who is very rational, thoughtful who visited when she could with her four children. But the last few visits I felt something was wrong as her older son I caught rooting through all my personal things. I know children are inquisitive and like to explore but he was on a mission, I knew it was on behalf of my sister, because she came to visit which she never does and said in an intimidating manner " TOMMY TELLS ME EVERYTHING!!' with such intimidation in her body language! my nieces children are petrified of her, even my niece was asking about my life! and when I said is this your mother! she put her fingers to her mouth and looked so uncomfortable saying no I'm just curious.No eye contact at all! I've tried to be their for my niece and my great grand niece and nephews but my sister has now put a stop to their visits. This niece is the calmer one was always a target in that family because she is quiet an sensible and has the most wonderful children.My sister called her youngest grandchildren 'EVIL' I thought I was going to faint at her heartlessness. My other niece stands her ground and is always praised by her mother. It is so sad and unhappy to see. Its quite inhumane and if she sees If I'm happy, content, then I'm her next target. She tells the most nasty cruel lies and speaks about the whole family behind their back. what has her ex husband done to her!!!

We should arrange a coffee morning just to get things of our mind. Understanding each others needs.
Sep 24, 2015
 RE: Not Realizing we Have an N in our Lives.....
by: Anonymous

I am 55 years old and have been mentally and verbally abused by my sister since I was old enough to start showing my own personality. She is 2 years older. She is the "smart" one, the "perfect one". She has a personality that she shows to the outside world (she even has a distinctive voice she uses) and a different one she uses with her family. I adored my sister and wanted to be just like her. She, however hated me from the day I was born because in her eyes, I stole her thunder. I am the carefree, silly, open, funny, and honestly caring sister. I always got along great with my younger siblings. That has always made her angry because I wasn't like her. Even though she didn't want anything to do with me. She didn't speak a kind word to me until I was 14 and she was 16....I will never forget that day. She came walking out of the house with her boyfriend (now I get it....she was with someone outside the family) and said "Hi, how's it going?' I remember being so shocked and thrilled that she spoke to me in a normal tone of voice....not the deep, hissing, under her breath voice she would use to say things like.."that is so ugly, I can't believe you would have that in your room" or "that shirt looks terrible on you", or "you're so stupid" ..etc... Anyway, I told my mom what she would say but my mother just didn't get it. She wanted us to work it out ourselves. She didn't understand I was being slowing picked to death by my N sister. If I would start to cry because of the way she treated me, she would hiss under her breath, "shut-up, you baby." To a kid, she was a scary person. Once when I was in 2nd grade, I tried to wake my Mom up on a school morning and my sister tried to stop me. Sis was the one who got us ready for school in the morning .(Mom had problems too) Anyway, as I was trying to awaken my mother, she got between us and picked up a bronze statue that was on the bedside table. The statue had a very pointed head on it, like a turban wrapped around her head. She lifted the statue over her head and in a downward motion attempted to stab me. I threw my hand up and she stabbed me in the hand. A 4th grader stabs a 2nd grader while her mom lays sleeping in her bed. I was bleeding, but I got a bandaid and went to school like nothing happened. Nothing was ever done or said. As I grew up, I married an N man. He pretty much treated me the same way. If I ever disagreed with him he would quickly point out how wrong I was. I told him one time how I felt about something and he actually said, "No you don't, you don't feel that way". After years of abuse from him, I left. I was a completely empty shell of a woman. I had no idea how I felt about anything or even how to express myself. Years later, through much soul searching and depression/anxiety and grief over the death of my son, and therapy, I decided I needed to stand up for myself. As soon as I did, things have gotten worse between us. I just can't let her get away with trying to control everyone's life or saying mean, hurtful, demeaning things to family members. I call her out for being mean to family members. You know what she does when I call her out.....she will say something hurtful to me just to hurt me. She has said ugly things to my kids, when they got older, and I lost it. I got in her face and screamed at her to NEVER say anything to or about my kids again. I don't act that way ever, to anyone except to her. When I saw the article "6 Signs of Narcissism You Didn't Know", I was SHOCKED.....that was my sister...in every shape and form. We have gotten along off and on over the years but since our parents are ailing she has gone downhill bad. Our "screaming fights" are even embarrassing to me. We live several states apart so don't see each other often but we talk on the phone. The last several months it has mostly been texting. That way I figured I didn't have to listen to her "deep, hissy" voice. She posted something on Facebook recently that she used to hurt my daughter. I called her on it and then posted the "6 Signs of Narcissism You Didn't Know" on her Facebook page. When I woke up this morning I tried to see if the posting for my daughter was still up. I had to go to my sister's page but it wouldn't let me on her page. I have officially been blocked!!! So to answer the question about why are there so many older women on here talking about this, is because, I think, the damage our Narcissistic Personality Disordered sisters did to us was so severe it has taken some of us YEARS to understand IT ISN"T US...it isn't our fault....we aren't stupid, ugly, dumb, fat, skin and bones, or any of the other things we were called. We are good people whose lives were shaped by someone out of our control. We are SISTERS to each other and we can help each other by writing our stories and sharing them. Best everyone.....love
Sep 12, 2015
 No contact results
by: Anonymous

It's been three years of very limited contact with the N sister. I feel good. I'm amazed. I can't believe I lived my life with all that stress... This must be what it's like to live free of guilt for breathing....Wow....lol. This site, and others have helped a great deal. Thank you. Sincerely.
She's still causing a ruckus. I remain blissfully ignorant of it until I hear from other family members. Apparently, she's slicing through the rest of them now that I'm not around and has taken to blocking those on social media that don't agree with her or want to stay out of it. It's divided us and that's painful, but it's not my fault.... (That one, I'm still working on).
Now that I've read so much, I can see all of those N traits and have compassion for her. How empty she truly is without a large audience. Sad. I guess my anger has faded too. I just wanted to share a little success. It really does get better. Thanks again.
Sep 08, 2015
 Can you move?
by: Anonymous

If there's any possibility of moving out of the same area as your sister...far enough away that you'll have your own friends and acquaintances...and the dysfunction won't become a part of your kids development, It would probably be much easier. It's true that no one should ever feel they have to take that drastic a step just to live a sane life, but I think sometimes when you're avoiding a narcissist and all of the real trouble they can stir up, it may be the best option available.

When I lived in CA and my sister in KS it was a lot easier for me. Of course the long standing "family dysfunction" didn't change, but I (and my son) weren't as effected from that distance as our daily lives were completely separate from the rest of the family. If I had only known then what I know now I would never have moved back close to her...It's a lot more difficult now to make another long distance move, now that my son went through high school here and considers this his home.
Sep 06, 2015
 Concern About Future
by: Anonymous

As I mentioned earlier, I am very concerned about getting married and starting my own family due to my sister's obsession with me. The fact that I am getting married and she has not even had a boyfriend will make her furious. Nevertheless, she copies everything that I do, so I'm afraid that she will start a family soon afterward and try to put our children in competition with each other. I really do not want my future children to go through this and I definitely do not want my fiance, who has been very supportive about me leaving that environment, to be pulled into my sister's games.
Sep 06, 2015
 "To Anonymous"
by: Anonymous

"J-Bomb" sounds exactly like my sister. If someone compliments me on something, she usually fakes a smile or does nothing, but later on, she will blow up about something seemingly "unrelated" but only I can tell that she is really just making me "pay" for whatever recognition for whatever accomplishment.

Also, because our mother is mildly narcissistic, my sister uses this to her advantage. For instance, once, my mother was severely ill and I had been taking care of her more than my sister. My mother had began to compliment me (something she rarely does) for looking after her. My sister hated this because she ALWAYS wants to be the "good" one and will go to extents to make me appear to be the "bad" one. While my mother was watching us walk into a store, my sister suddenly gave me a quick evil look and stormed into the store, leaving me behind her. Since my mother was watching from a distant window, this made it look as if I said something to my sister that resulted in her walking off like that. I had not said anything, my sister simply staged it that way as "payback" for the compliments that I had been receiving from our mother. Of course, my mother reprimanded me for "hurting my sister" even though I had not done anything and then my sister was satisfied.

Imagine living a life of being a genuine, sweet kid but being constantly punished because your evil sister is charming enough to make you seem "evil" so that she can seem "good".
Aug 31, 2015
 response to "fasten your seatbelts"
by: Anonymous

Funny how you made up the word "Jenniferisms"...I'm also 52...and I've found myself, on more than one occasion, needing to make up new words that describe these narcissistic behaviors, because they're SO "not-normal" that there aren't common words available. My sisters name starts with a J too...and one of my "created terms" is "J-bomb"...That's what would always result when I had the "audacity" to be happy and/or pleased with some small accomplishment...and, in the presence of others, she would almost always provide the obligatory supportive comments, but there was always hell to pay as soon as she had a chance to get her revenge and void-out any of that positive energy from others in a way that would "LOOK"....from those others' perpective....completely innocent and unrelated to the earlier scenario. She can't have them knowing just how enraged she really is when someone else is complemented...especially when that person is me....The one who can see right through her and refuses to cower in her presence regardless of the inevitable J-bomb that is always to come. I actually have a small vocabulary of these "new words" just for my own personal use, when writing in my journal (no one else would understand them without long explanations)

Hang in there and grab as much of the good stuff as possible. It sounds like most of us are in the second half of our lives and we DESERVE some peace and joy in this lifetime.
Aug 31, 2015
 I can relate!
by: Anonymous

You hit the nail on the head with every one of these examples! I can so relate with all on the list! When I had my baby, my sister was upset that I wasn't paying more attention to her 3 year old! I was flabbergasted when she told me. Who in their right mind would say that! My sister always acted like the victim, but she was the one who victimized people. She always would say that her girls and sister-in-law were sensitive, then when we had our blowout all of a sudden I was sensitive too! I was in my early 40s. The problem is that she would do something really ugly, then be really nice until I forgave her. Not that she ever said she was sorry. That never happened! In fact, at the very end, she told me she couldn't say she was sorry to anyone. How sad is that. And she would never lose an argument either. I am 49 years old and it took a long time to say I will not take it any more. I so wanted a relationship with my sister, but your sanity is not worth it. They do not change. I have been low contact for about 7 years. Meaning I will call and wish her a Happy Birthday once a year and not get hoovered back in to her life dramas and lies. I live close by but keep to the one phone call. The first two years of low contact were very hard and depressing for me. I still love her and you feel guilty and you miss the times when they actually can be nice to you. But what they act like and say are fake. My life is better now that she is not in it. Make sure to surround your self with a good support system and people who make you feel loved. I am thankful to have found this site. I have been visiting it for some time and have read all the postings. It keeps me from contacting her! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and stories, and may you all find peace of mind and the love you deserve. Blessings.
Aug 31, 2015
 Fasten your seat belts . . . . . . .
by: Anonymous

I have compiled 30-year list of traits of my narcissistic sister (Jennifer) that you may recognize in your relationship with yours, in no particular order:

1) The N sister can behave very charming and complementary to "outsiders."

2) When caught in a lie (and she tells a lot of them) the N sister will blow up at you and lie to cover for the lie.

3) The N sister will tell you how much time she spent on the perfect gift for an outsider but when shopping for you, lucky to get a re-gift, something at the checkout counter, or something she bought for herself. You are an afterthought in her eyes.

4) The N sister treats your husband and children like second class citizens but wants you to acknowledge her family at all times even complaining if you don't. Like her family is entitled better treatment.

5) The N sister will say she cares about your happiness which in reality wants you to be unhappy because if you give her wonderful news, you'll hear crickets.

6) The N sister is attracted to rich people to better her image or advance herself in society.

7) The N sister will never be seen at a discount store as she needs to shop around rich people.

8) The N sister will act charming around your close friends showering them with complements and even start inviting them to her place for parties.

9) Never tell a N sister something embarrassing about yourself, she'll bring it up years later to embarrass you.

10) If you are ill or hurt don't depend on the N sister to visit you or help. Doesn't do homecare. She has to be seen doing a good deed.

11) The N sister trusts no one in her home without supervision and sometimes not even you.

12) The N sister will never apologize for a thing.

13) The N sister can't keep a secret so don't tell her a thing. She'll spread it all over town.

Sounding familiar yet?

14) The N sister is extremely greedy and possessive of her possessions and thinks others are jealous of her.

15) Be careful she can swear like a drunken sailor.

16) If you call her on her behavior you'll be disowned and in her cross hairs. Watch your back!

17) Lacks empathy for others even close members of family. But will feign empathy for strangers.

18) The N sister will display nice gifts from you but when you notice them she'll say that someone else gave it to her rather you you. Her way of saying that you are forgettable even your gifts.

Good luck. I could go on forever with the Jenniferisms as we call it. It never gets better, it only gets worse with age and I'm 52. I love her but wish she would act like other people's sisters and be nicer to my daughters. I pray for her and us everyday that we can have a normal relationship someday.
Aug 31, 2015
 narcissistic sister/ co-narcissist mother
by: Anonymous

Since I was 12 years old and my narc sister was 11, I have been bullied by this sibling. I have an older brother, also abused by her differently and my youngest sister bullied by her in similar but different ways too. I have spent the last 10 years with a psychologist friend, who has met some of my safe family members and friends and she says that I have been the victim of a high functioning narcisisstic sister, who is a doctor of clinical nursing. Imagine, nurses teaching other nurses are major abusers, controllers, manipulators, narcissists. Imagine this person teaching your daughter to become a nurse at college?
As we lived at home from the ages of say 12-18, she has to control you. You have to do as she states or she threatens you with, "you will get nothing when mom and dad die". Not only that , but, she turns your parents against you with her lies, psychological abuse is worse, trust me. Well, that is what is now happening. Before I left home at the age of 18 to go to college, she was unable to harm my reputation. But, when I went to college, not being geographically close to my mother, she managed to brainwash my mother against me, with such lies as "She doesn't have nice friends(meaning not white upper middle class rich, good looking types). She would state "how I was cheap", yes, if you do not spend like she says, then she tries to turn your mother against you with her "cheap comment", very effective with your mother.I was saving money for college, since my father is a contractor. When you move out of state to get a job, She further has your mother abuse me, by ignoring you, and not believing anything you tell your mother. Your mother only believes her favored narcissistic child. My mother was such a social climber, and she placed this 1 sister sibling on such a high pedestal, that she only believed her and not my younger sister or older brother. When I left to go out of state to get a job at my career, she transferred all the love my mother had for me to my brother's wife, and made sure that my mother only saw what this new sister in law did as important and to be recognized. So, whatever I did, was useless, any gift I gave my mother was made fun of. The narcissist claimed any friend I would make would not be good. My mother believed her. That is tragic. I had to contact my mother following the controller's rules, and had to fly my mother down to see me if she was going to love me. This narcissistic sister placed rules on me, that my mother agreed with, if I wanted a mother. Imagine in your early to mid twenties by yourself in a city where you know no one and they start punishing you and you are tormented by their lack of love and a price tag is placed on you if you want a mother. This narcisistic mother and co-narcissist sister and the new sister in law, were the holy "UNTRINITY". They are a triangle in which they could control what your father and brother and extended relatives would think about you, if you didn't obey them both, and let them control you. Yes, I could have had a mother and a sister if I allowed them to control me totally. But, being a slave to a sister ,for decades would be unthinkable.
My brother's life was destroyed, because the narcissistic sister said to my mother "that only she could find a decent wife for my brother". My brother lived with a girlfriend in college, who he got pregnant, but, claimed he didn't know it at the time. My brother also dated a girl from childhood for 10 years, both were like 15-25 years of age at the time , but, she was smart and didn't have relations with my brother, because once the mother and sister found out about these 2 women, they refused for my brother to have further contact and the baby was secretly put up for adoption by the lady in college. THe lady in college contacted the childhood girl friend of my brother and told her, she was pregnant and so this childhood friend contacted my brother and told him to marry her. But, my brother, being controlled by my mother and sister could not have further contact with either. Tragic!
So, the narcissist nurse went up to her hospital and started finding girls for my brother to date, he got one of them pregnant, and since this girl was from a white, upper middle class, family and was pretty, my mother and sister allowed that marriage. It was a horrible marriage for over 20 years, they finally divorced, but, remember, this lady was in the HOLY "UNHOLY" trinity, so, she was revered by my mother and sister. SO,she is slated to get all my parents property when they pass. My own adult children find this offensive, but, I told them, that she is a narcissist, a very powerful liar and abuser and the extended relatives believer her and not me.
I lost the mother I had from Childhood when I as about 12.My sister started feeding my mothers lies about me to my mother from a very young age. I do think there is a narcissist gene in the family, because my own mother's mother ran away from her husband when my mother was 6 and her brother 4 years old. I believe she had to run away because they were trashing her reputation and no one would listen to her. SO, there is a pattern or a gene for this in the generations.
When a very powerful , drama queen , convincing liar gets ahold of an audience and you are a quiet , lower self esteem, not as good an orator as your sister, then, your life is over. Over the decades you have a very low self esteem. The narcissist uses their money to buy off the belief system of your parents. My father is like "GOMER PILE", from the Andy Griffith show, he has no idea what is going on and he sides with emotion and not fact. So, you have no one to turn to. YOur father is not an academic, he doesn't have the skills to listen to you. My narcissist sister would state whenever I tried to tell my father what was going, that "I am talking bad about the family". That is how the narcissist is believed. Just do not listen to the victim(me) and do not go to counseling with the victim, only listen to me and no one else and only believe her. Very tragic.
If there is life after death, the narcissistic sister and co-narcisstic mother will be in purgatory a long time, hoping their sins can be purged enough and they are sorry enough to get to go to heaven, but, I don't see how?
My mother sent us to Catholic parochial schools not to learn to be christian , but, to associate with a whiter, upper middle class, more good looking, more stuck up bunch. That made me sick when I figured that out too. Social climbing made me sick. Whenever my cruel sister dated a doctor or a lawyer or a CPA boyfriend home, he was treated so nice, when I brought home nerdy ugly engineer types, my mother ignored them and either left the room, or the home. To this date, my mother looked sad at my wedding to a nerdy engineer, and all her wedding pictures look sad at my wedding. My mother never held my 2 daughters either, when they were young. I never asked her to babysit them, just to touch them for once in her life. But, the narcissistic sister would not allow it, the price she placed on being a narcisstic grandma was not paid by me. You had to obey the controller or you have no family.
I want to thank the other posts because yes, we all for years have OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder), writing letters trying to explain what is going on, but, it goes on deaf ears. They complain that your letters trying to explain are just diatribes, or worthless. It is a cry for help and for someone to listen.
THat is how you know it is a narcissist, when they have to totally control you, for example, your relationship with your mother has to be totally controlled by them, how you spend money on your mother, when you call her, what you do for her. Imagine living in another city and then in another state for college and your career job and in living far away, and not being able to be there for your mother day in and out, they are able to make up lies about you. The sister in law in the same city, also a nurse,it is easy for her to set up holiday dinners and be there for your mother, she is in the same city as her, and she agrees to be totally controlled by your narcissistic sister.
YOUr life in over, the holy "UNTRINITY" controls your blood family and what they think.
GOod news, like so many of your posts, was the day I got married, my husband and I celebrated that we have each other and 2 lovely adult daughters and his side of the family and lots of good supportive friends, some who know about this situation and others I have been too afraid to talk to about this. But, you must cut ties with a controlling narcissist, they are not happy unless they destroy your life in every way possible. DO not think you can make up with them, the moment you try this, they have "50 commands" ready for you to do , in order for them to be happy to see you are doing as they state.
Stay away, find a psychology friend who can take the last 10 years to explain how very sick your family is and get on with your life. My other nicer sister wants a relationship with my father and mother and so, she cannot have contact with me. But, my mother has alzheimers now, and I said my goodbyes to her like 20 years ago, I had to for my sanity. I tried and tried to get my mother to be reasonable, but, my only condition was for all of us to go to therapy with a psychologist or psychiatrist to help explain that a narcissist is not a healthy person to be around. My parents are naiive and guillable no 4 year degree and ruled by her and brainwashed by her to only believe her, at that point, you got to get away, you will only hurt your mental health.
Aug 07, 2015
 I agree...
by: Anonymous

Yes, I agree. And really...all you can really say is what you "suspect" may be true. If you don't have an actual diagnosis from someone who is well versed in NPD (I would think that would be somewhat specialized) then it seems like the best approach would be to admit that you don't really know, but that you're concerned about the effect on him of WHATEVER this dysfunctional pattern happens to ultimately be. It's not impossible to learn strategies for keeping one's own sanity when circumstances are such that ditching the person just isn't an option...or a desire...etc. I believe true narcissists are a lot like addicts of other types (their "drug" is "narcissistic supply") I wonder if anyone has ever thought about or tried Al-Anon. This is an idea that just now popped into my head...It may not be a good one, but it does seem like there would be a lot of similarities..and that one could learn how not to "enable"...how to tweak their own actions and reactions so as not to feed into the problem, and to hold strong boundaries, etc...Something that could be tried if "no contact" just doesn't feel right.
Aug 07, 2015
 Re - trying to push FIL to accept.
by: Anonymous

Be careful with that. Don't push too hard, or you'll push him away for good. Some parents don't ever recognize faults with their children and ostracize those that do. I wouldn't side against one of my children either.
Aug 06, 2015
 Thank yo
by: Anonymous

Wow - it's really hard yards to find the right route through this - if such a thing exists. I think that getting my father-in-law to read these posts is bang on the right thing - but I need to find a way without destroying my very good relationship with him. Or maybe I just accept that as an outcome preferable to watching the narc destroy him piece by piece. If he reads the posts after I have found a way to broach it with him I hope he will have light bulb moments which restore our relationship.
Aug 05, 2015
 One idea.....
by: Anonymous

I don’t know if this will help or not, but remembering these things has helped me...
That narcissism doesn’t exist in a vacuum…As horrendous as it is/can be, there is a larger context that led to it and that it exists within. I believe (from what I’ve read) that it develops as a coping mechanism…a way to deal with deep psychological trauma. Yes y’all need to protect yourself from abuse…but I think sometimes dealing with the narcissist in a very calm, honest and straightforward way is the most effective…letting them know where your boundaries are while trying to remember that they are damaged…and not evil….even though the effect is such that it’s impossible sometimes to see any difference. I’m constantly having to remind myself that I’m not a psychiatrist or psychologist and even though NPD fits my sisters behavior to a T as far as I’m concerned, I know also that sometimes these people are just unwitting "proxy’s" for some other narc/psychopath/sociopath/manipulator...The whole thing seems quite complicated to me, but I feel that, as my sister, I can’t feel 100% good about completely cutting her off when I’m convinced that she has been "twisted" by circumstances. I do try (pretty successfully) to avoid her and when I have to be around her I’m just very vigilant about being "on my toes" because she always seems to be "up to something" even when (and especially when) she’s being "charming"…and I’m ready to nip any b.s. in the bud and defend my boundaries, but I’ve found that not feeding her fears with accusations of evilness seems to minimize the trouble from her. We all have to do whatever is necessary in our own circumstances…Not all NPD situations are the same. Just thought this might be worth some consideration.
As for your father-in-law...I say let him read all of these posts and decide for himself how he needs to handle it. Best of luck....
Aug 04, 2015
 how do I get my father-in-law to break away from my wife's NPD sister
by: Anonymous

My wife is lovely caring and kind. Her severely narc younger sister is trying to destroy her. We have blocked her on phones, email etc. So she has tried cousins, mutual acquaintances, my wife's closest friends and their own father to try to get at my wife. Screaming fits from the narc at their father on the phone, in person and abusive emails to him about my wife with a huge list of my wife's supposed faults are the current line of attack. He can't get away from her whereas everyone else can and he's not emotionally strong enough to take her on. I don't worry so much about us, these posts are a blessed relief and full of light bulb moments for my wife and I. But the channel for her rage is causing my father-in-law increasing health problems - anxiety, sleepless nights, high blood pressure and a mini stroke being part of the list. The narc is killing him but he refuses to acknowledge she has NPD and do the necessary and cut her off. I won't do this but I sometimes feel I should kill her first? I am running out of other viable options.
Jul 23, 2015
 Nightmare
by: Anon

I'm 29. Only in the past few years have I realized how bad my sister was to me growing up. She's 37. She used to tell me that my mother didn't like me because I didn't look like her side of the family, that her and my mom got along better because they were similar. They constantly criticized me. She once told me as a teenager that my mother buying me clothes (for school) was a waste of money, "I mean you could die tomorrow and all them clothes would be left there, what a waste of money" to be precise! Once I started getting some friends as a teenager "I'll have to put a stop to that". She used to tell me if it wasn't for me that we would be living elsewhere and a lot happier. She used to criticize anything I liked or wore, usually sniggering at whatever I was wearing. She used to tell me I looked like an old hag when I wore make-up. God I could go on and on. Unfortunately this monster is back living with us again. I like coming on here to read other people's experiences, it makes me feel like I'm not alone and that not being paranoid! Thanks
Jul 22, 2015
 Strength for "Exhausted"
by: Anonymous

Exhausted,

If I had my whole "mothering years" to do over again...knowing what I know now about my sister and the whole dysfunctional family, I would have done things sooooo differently. The stress of it all took far too much time and attention from my relationship with my son. I always knew something was very wrong in our family, but because I had never heard of NPD, I couldn't see clearly how I was being manipulated....and really had the hardest time even believing that my sister was capable of such a thing, because she is the type of narcissist who's modus operandi is the whole "good girl" thing. You'll never catch her in the act because she's got her whole back=up story all worked out ahead of time about how she didn't know such and such...and truly believe such and such...etc. SERIOUS crazy-making!..and she had the whole family wrapped around her finger. My mother was basically useless to help because she just couldn't believe that my sister would be that devious.

I would seriously back way off, but do so without making it really obvious, if possible. Telling her what you're doing straight out, might just result in retaliation and more drama....especially if you live in the same area and have relationships with others in common.

You need some peace to be a the best mom you can be. Don't let anyone make you feel bad about that.

Best of luck!
Jul 21, 2015
 Fed up
by: Exhausted

I have spent most of my morning reading these comments because I am coming to the conclusion that I need to cut ties with my own narcissistic sister.

I am 26, she is 28. I am a first time Mom to a 7 month old and she has 2 children ages 7 and soon to be 5.

We always fought really bad growing up. Her and my Mom would gang up on me, make fun of my weight, grades,etc.. I don't ever remember a time where my Mom took my side. The verbal abuse has effected me well into adulthood but since becoming a Mom myself, Ive become more aware of the effect the verbal abuse has had on me. I struggle so much with finding my voice and feeling confident about myself.

During my late teens/early twenties my sister and I become very close. Mostly because I didn't know any better. We would party, get hammered, cause trouble, etc.. Until finally I had been in so much legal trouble that I said enough was enough. I went through outpatient rehab where even my counselor told me to cut ties because my sister is nothing but an enabler and an alcoholic.

It was a little over a year ago where I truly became serious about distancing myself. She's never shown any desire to better her life. She drinks and drives all the time! Sometimes with her own kids in the car. When I met the man I am with now, my sister became so jealous she would tweet nasty things about me just to hurt my feelings when i read them. I eventually deleted my Twitter because i could not take reading them anymore. This was similar to a situation a few years ago when I spent every day just about with a long time best friend after a terrible breakup. My sister would send mean texts about being "left out" because she doesn't understand the meaning of having separate identities. But now, she has a new best friend who she talks crap about every time i see her yet posts pics with her at bars, saying how she's her bff. Mind you, this new best friend is way younger and in an abusive relationship. Perfect target for my sister.

The last straw for me was having to sit at a table at a baby shower this past weekend with a man who my sister slept with, who has with his long-term girlfriend. My sister seems to think that her poor choices and morals don't effect those of us around her. This is not the first awkward situation my sister has put me in. Just a year ago she slept with this same guys best friend (who are also good friends with my boyfriend) causing unbelievable drama between everyone. And also, planning to meet one of my acquaintances husbands at a hotel last Spring. It's a great feeling to me when I run into this poor woman, ugh!

On top of all that, my sister lives at home with my parents. She cheated on the father of her kids so ended up moving back home 3 years ago! My mom is her nanny and constantly dedicates her life to my sister's kids who are becoming narcissists themselves! My mother hardly knows my child and I don't even remember the last time I spent alone time with my own Mom. Like i said, I am a first time Mom and I haven't had my own mother for guidance at all. Granted, she is going through chemo so I am easier on her about it but I am so completely fed up with my sister and my Mom enabling her crap that I refuse to have my child witness any of it.

I need strength.
Jul 19, 2015
 Can't yet empathise
by: Another Anon

Referring back to my previous post of July 12th, I find it hard to empathise with my sister as I can't really understand what could have caused her to behave so contemptibly towards me. We had a reasonably happy childhood though we weren't the best of friends, being chalk and cheese in terms of personality. She was a tomboy and I was bookish, liking reading, drawing, puzzles and playing the piano and I was a bit nervous of playing rougher games whereas she revelled in being outside with other children. I think she occasionally got me into trouble, telling tales on me (being the eldest I'd get the blame) though I don't recall this as a blight on my childhood. Our mother was quiet and subservient to our father who could be quite domineering though not unkind to us, just strict and not much interested or involved with us, always working in his small business. He did have a temper though and was easily provoked by anyone who disagreed with him. I doubt if my mother had an easy time with him as she never argued and so I think he might have had some narcissistic tendencies himself.

My sister's really contemptuous behaviour towards me (and my husband) has only been seen on two specific, prolonged occasions though there have been numerous other ones when she has shown less respect than I would have expected. I have no idea whether others have been on the receiving end of this kind of treatment from her (perhaps her husband as she can be very offhand with him). Maybe it is because I have always lived far enough away not to be in constant contact with her that I have been spared further abuse though I have no idea how extensively she has badmouthed me to people in her area whom I used to know before I moved away.

So she doesn't really fit with the stereotypical persistent behaviour of the NPD type but what we have seen fits all the models described in this link: http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/narcissistic-personality-disorder-traits-no-accountability-0

The only thing I can think of is that she may harbour some longstanding jealousy from the past. I didn't see myself as any kind of favourite or golden girl but perhaps she did as I was more academically successful than her and might be thought to have had a more enjoyable marriage but there's nothing really obvious to hang it onto.
Jul 19, 2015
 Is anybody in Colorado?
by: Anonymous

Looking for someone who is like minded. I have moved far away from N sister but I found another one. UGH I need a support system. Please respond if you are in the Denver area and need a non-controlling friend.
Jul 19, 2015
 Reply to 'Anger'
by: Another Anon

Having read 'Anger's' post from several months ago, I'd like to say to you how horrible it is that you have been treated in this way - to have your career denigrated must feel such a betrayal. I do think it might help you to write all about it, if only so that future generations, perhaps less judgmental than present ones, have a chance to read your side of the story. It might also serve as a bit of a catharsis for you to be able to release the whole story for perpetuity, rather than just on an internet blog, valuable though this is for talking to others who understand. You might think about creating a hard copy and putting it away to be found at a later stage.

I really hope that you are beginning to feel less pain over all if this though I know it is likely to go on for a long time. I send you my very best wishes.
Jul 18, 2015
 Truth Does Set Us Free
by: The Youngest

Reading these inspired comments is enormously helpful to me, and I thank all of you. This site is truly healing. Though I've known since I was a child that my next-oldest sister was competitive and deeply insecure, I never realized the depth of the pathology until this summer, during an extended visit with her and her family. When I returned home, sick at heart from old and new wounds, I saw a family photograph that I'd framed long ago. Seeing her little face, at around age seven, looking angry and disturbed, made me feel nothing but pity and compassion for her. All my anger dissipated. Hers is the greater hurt and for that, I wish her healing. There is nothing I could do to help her, though. Although she is quick to judge others, her fragile ego is crushed by any sense that she is being criticized, even if the 'criticism' is intended to help her. May these people, who have harmed so much, find ways to grow and find their inner selves. At one point during my visit, I realized that to expect her to show empathy was like expecting a frog to fly -- a frog with no concept, even, of wings. She doesn't even understand what empathy is. And that is incredibly sad.
Jul 12, 2015
 Glad I Realized
by: Anonymous

I have a mother that has some narcissistic tendencies, but I don't think that she has full-blown NPD. However, I am coming to believe that my sister is really a covert narcissist. I am 32 years old and I knew from 18 years of age that she had some type of mental problem, but I didn't know exactly what it is. Like most of you, my sister is five years older than me.

First of all, she copies my life to the best of her ability. I was pretty much a straight-A student in all of my studies and schools. My sister was a mediocre student and couldn't really "copy" this, so she completely ignored all of it. Even when everyone congratulated me for being the valedictorian, she simply congratulated me for graduating but made no mention of me being the valedictorian, doing local interviews for television, and receiving several scholarships.

Nevertheless, it was our mother's idea that we should take the same courses in college because my sister was failing in college and was about to be dismissed. My sister happily agreed and I thought that it would bring us together, so I agreed. Nonetheless, she would suggest that I wait on her to go to class, and then she would goof off or walk extremely slow to the class for no reason - almost making the both of us late. If I walked to class without her, she would be sure to call mother so that I could get yelled at and accused of "resenting my sister". She began to fail those classes as well and although I tried to help her study, she would tell the professors that she was on her own with the materials because I "wouldn't help her". This actually affected me getting a position as a teaching assistant at the university later, because one of the teachers was hesitant to recommend me due to my sister's lies. Later, she would tell me that I misunderstood and that certain assignments were not due and I would listen to her and not turn them in and my grades would drop as well! When I confronted her about this, she said nothing but just looked at me with a smug look. I quickly caught on and stopped listening to her. She would also tell mother that I was not helping her and would lie and cry when I tried to tell mother what she was really doing to me in the classes.

Outside of grades, she now tries to copy every aspect of my life but she arranges it to appear as if I'm copying her because I'm jealous of her. For instance, if I buy a miniskirt and I wear it one time, she'll buy one and wear it several times successively and talk about it to everyone: "look at my miniskirt; I just bought it...". When I wear mine for the second time, at this point, everyone says "I see you went and bought a miniskirt right behind your sister; I see that you follow her lead" to which she beams even though she staged it to appear that way. All of my interests have been taken away from me in the same manner. I am a very adept classical musician, but my sister tells everyone that she is and that I took the talent from her (when she can barely play London Bridges). I can speak three languages, but she tells people that she can speak three languages - even though her English is peppered with slang and she can only say "Hola, como estas?" in Spanish - that's it... and no third language at all. I have a strong interest in the effects of music on the brain; she has recently begun to study that and always starts conversations with everyone about it - even though it was my thesis topic that she previously knew nothing about. I simply cannot have an interest without her taking it and claiming it as her interest. I feel as if she is trying to take my identity. My mother even gave me a unique nickname (started as a joke) and she took the nickname and made it her Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace name!!! I can't even have a nickname without her taking it away. Once, my mother was telling me that she almost gave my name to my sister (she didn't know that she was having another kid) but she saw a movie and decided to name my sister after that. My sister actually said that she wishes that she had my name!

I don't want to bore everyone to death, but these are not even the worst things that she has done. She has tricked me into writing bad checks but manipulated my mother so that my mother thought that I was taking out a loan to help the family. Whenever I would refuse to write the checks, she would tell my mother that I'm refusing to take out a loan to help the family. Although, I was too young to really know that I was writing bad checks, I knew that something was wrong and I was being blackmailed into it. Also, I used to be overweight and my sister would brag about her weight in my face because she was thin. She began to get too arrogant about it and started overeating incessantly because she thought that she could never gain weight. I announced to the family that I was going on a diet and I would no longer drink sweetened beverages or eat candy for the next few months. Guess who went out and bought tons of candy and sweetened beverages and put them in front of me at dinner? When I complained that I couldn't eat it, she began to cry and look to mother who then took her side and said "if you don't eat it, your sister will be very hurt". After so long, I simply started packing them away and saying "I'll have it later" which would usually be months later. My sister would roll her eyes and my mother would give me the silent treatment. However, I lost the weight and became very slim and my sister became very overweight. This made her very hostile to the point in which she would watch me get on the scale to keep track of just how much smaller I was than her... she literally became obsessed with my weight to the point in which she could be asleep and would awaken to the sound of the scale and rush to my side (still with eye boogers on) just to see the number. My weight became the number to beat for her - even though she's so much shorter than me that it's irrelevant. At my weight, she would still be fat, but it's all about a number for her.

Finally, I moved out and now, she is really irate. Every time that I see her, she tries to start an argument in a covert manner and then quickly starts crying when I set her in her place and plays the victim so that mom will rush to hug her and blame me for hurting her feelings. She nearly destroyed my life by plotting against me in college, trying to keep me overweight, and even trying to molest me when we were younger - but she's the one that's soooooo hurt in my mother's eyes and I'm viewed as the "bully".

I haven't told her yet, but I'm getting married in about a year. I really don't know how to tell her, because she has never even had a boyfriend at near 40. I know that she will really try to ruin things between me and my fiancee or do something big like announce that she's adopting or something to take the attention away from me at the wedding. I really don't want her to be a part of the wedding, but it's kind of a tradition for a sister to participate. It hurts even more that she knows exactly when to cry on point to get my mother to take her side. I almost want to elope so that there would not even be a chance for her to have to be included. My mother and sister are codependent to some degree - my sister won't even pay bills unless my mother tells her when to do it and how to do it. She won't go to work unless my mother tells her to go to work. She eats anything and everything, but once in a while, she'll act as if she has forgotten to eat until my mother tells her to eat. I just really don't want to be a part of this dysfunction anymore.
Jul 12, 2015
 Come as a shock...
by: Another Anon

Reading the stories previous to this posting, I realise that I have nothing like the problems of some of you. I want to say how much I sympathise with those of you who have truly terrible stories to tell. I know that my complaint will seem like trivial in comparison but it is good to get it off my chest.

Having had a lifetime of feeling wary around my sister because she can so easily become 'difficult' if something doesn't suit her, and I'm a non-confrontational type of person (perhaps a 'coward'!) I have had two recent major issues with her that have demonstrated just how hostile she is to both me and my husband. We had a friendly relationship before, except that I always had this walking on eggshells feeling and didn't like to be too upfront with her, not knowing how it would be taken.

However, recently, over an issue which, by any normal person, would not have been handled with hostility, this one was, because my sister thought I had some personal family information that she didn't and she became obsessed with wanting it. As a result, instead of going about it in a friendly, respectful way, she went all out to make out that this information was required of me legally and sent me (copied to my siblings) emails denigrating me, lying about things I had said and blaming me for all the unpleasantness she had generated. In the end, she did get the information, but I then managed, belatedly, to prove to her (and my siblings) that she had actually had no legal right to it. Of course, she didn't like that and totally refused to see that she had been wrong or that she should apologise for any of her behaviour, still blaming me for it and saying she was drawing a line under the issue. She has since returned to pretending nothing has happened so I know that if I don't return to being friendly with her, I will be blamed for not getting over a silly misunderstanding. I can now see that she has definite NPD characteristics, can trust her no more and really prefer not to see her again. Unfortunately that won't be possible while we still have an elderly parent (who knows nothing of all of this and thinks we are all wonderful). It's a horrible feeling, though, knowing with certainty that a sibling holds you in complete contempt (for what - perhaps jealousy from childhood? I really have no idea).
Jul 03, 2015
 Glad to find this site
by: Anonymous

I, too, am a woman in my 50's who didn't really have a diagnosis for my sister until a year or so ago. What takes us so long? Like others, I don't have one warm and fuzzy memory from childhood that includes my sister. I just remember her tormenting and threatening me. Once she got married and started having children, our relationship seemed to improve. I am a teacher by profession, a nurturer, and I just wanted to know her little babies. There was a difficult turn of events with her kids, however. At the age of 4, her first boy was diagnosed with Leukemia. She was pregnant with her second, and found out, when she was about 6 months along, that her son had non-functioning kidneys. They had to drain one of his kidneys en utero, and he was on dialysis from the day he was born. Needless to say, these health situations threw us all for a loop and I was very dedicated to helping in any way possible. My sister seemed to gain more self-confidence as she researched and learned about how to deal with these physical health issues. I was proud of her. But after about 4-5 years, the health problems settled down. One child became clear of cancer, and the other had a successful kidney transplant. I finally got a boyfriend myself, and quit being so available to my sister. The strangle hold became so tight...mean, belittling comments that she would never say in front of anyone else (I always felt like she had a split personality...everyone else loved her). My boyfriend and I finally moved 500 miles away so I could try and have a normal relationship.

I could say so many more details, but over the years, our family went through our parents' divorce, my dad's remarriage to a controlling woman, and our parents' deaths. I didn't know my sister likely has NPD, but I knew a long list of behaviors I kept trying to change because I try hard to live an emotionally and physically healthy life...I thought I could help her have one, too. But I finally realized she doesn't want one. Her two sons are now 29 and 32 and both still live at home with no plans to go anywhere. She has them so tied to her. Because they were sick as kids, I have heard her tell others with so much love and compassion that God gave her children that aren't able to live independently. If I say anything to call her out to anyone she knows, I am the bad guy. After all, she has "sick kids." Well, the 29 year-old is a successful diesel mechanic and has done solo flights in small planes. She controls them by catering to their desires and manipulating their weaknesses. They spend their money how they want, and are even allowed short-term relationships with girls. I don't even think they know life could be different. Oh...but they have no friends except each other.

My sister doesn't realize that because she always needs to be right, that means someone else has to be wrong, and that is usually me, or her very weak husband. She doesn't see how this has torn me apart since I have always been the "pleaser" in our family. Since our parents both passed, I have completely given up hoping for a better relationship. I never see her or talk to her unless she initiates it. I am kind, but don't open any doors that might make her think she can get a grip on me again.

Facebook has been an interesting newer tool for her to gain admirers. I crack up reading some of her posts, but she has many followers who think she is amazing. After discovering she likely has this disorder, it has been easier to allow myself to stop trying or hoping to be close. I still battle it, because I am a "doer" and don't like finding out I can't accomplish a goal, but I have ALMOST let this one go!
Jul 03, 2015
 Narc sister
by: Anonymous2202

I am an ongoing survivor of a narc sister. I cannot believe that it has taken until I am 54 to realize that she has been smearing me and basically "**cking" me over repeatedly for since childhood. To set the back ground story for you.....

-Our father was abusive (physically and emotionally) so my life long lack of self esteem has arisen because we were always told as a child to shut up and keep the peace so his violence did not escalate.

My narc sister (after she managed to escape the family home) would call my Headmaster's office at primary school) when I was about 8 or 9 and I would be dragged out of class to take her teary phone calls. She was always enquiring about our fathers behaviour and whether he was angry about her leaving home (Ah yes he was but don't worry she was not impacted by it because she had escaped leaving her 2 younger sisters and our mother to deal with him).

Then when I was 15 she and her sleazy first husband had me over for the weekend and subsequently thought in their infinite adult wisdom that they would introduce me to drugs (marihuana). As soon as I was stoned for the first time, she gets up and says I'm going to bed and leaves me in the room with him. He immediately starts to try and kiss me. I push him away and go to bed as I am more than freaked out by this (apart from being very stoned for the first time). Her husband loved to screw with her mind and self esteem so presumably told her we had sex (which we DID NOT).

She has held this against me my entire life because it suited her to believe him over me and thus setting her up for a lifetime of being the centre of attention and the object of everyone's pity. Not once has she taken responsibility for putting her teenage sister in that position (instead getting defensive about her behaviour on that night by saying things like "well you were of age ").

Throughout our life together she constantly belittled me by referring to my weight issues (grabbing any ounce of fat she could find and saying "look at you skinny mini have you lost weight"). Other put downs (too many to mention) have also occurred over the years.

She is a histrionic narc as well, having melt downs on many occasions whenever she felt slighted about something or needed to vent, leaving everyone on her wake feeling exhausted.

She has now bad mouthed me to every living relative, neighbour, friend. work colleague so my name is dirt. She has actively ruined my relationships with all 3 nieces by telling them I had an affair with her first husband when in fact I was groomed by her, drugged and left to defend myself after she went to bed and left me in a room with him.

Additionally I was diagnosed with a degenerative neurological disease when I was 39 and she has had an intense disease envy from day 1. She has inferred (actually outwardly lied) to a number of people that I was not entitled to retire from my job after 33 years of work, despite having worked 12 years past my diagnosis. Hence I have received many nasty, bitter and envious comments (mainly from her toxic friends) about how lucky I am to retire so young.

I was bullied mercilessly in my job for 4 years (before I retired on medical grounds) and I really question her involvement in this bullying as the bully always seemed to be one step ahead of me?

She is now also telling everyone that I am crazy /paranoid , as conveniently for her this is one of the side effects of one of my medications. She is so convincing in her "butter would’nt melt in my mouth" behaviour" that everyone believes HER.

She has ruined every major life event (my 21st, going overseas for the first time, buying my first home by myself) with silences, lies and petty envy.

I tried to cut all contact with her about 12 months ago but was told (instructed) by another sister to stop the rot and start talking to her again.

I am reluctantly talking to her (I try and minimize contact). The games, bad mouthing and viciousness has escalated and I am left isolated, severely depressed, anxious with my self esteem at an all time low.

I have contemplated suicide but hark back to a psychic I saw in my 20's who predicted my suicidal thoughts years before it came to pass. He told me not to go through with the suicide because if I did I would only "Have to come back again and do it all again''.

I recently sort counselling from a private psychologist who toward the end of our sessions started acting aggressive toward me. I couldn't understand why she was treating me this way all of a sudden, so googled her Facebook page. I discovered she was Facebook friends with my ex boss's (who had bullied me) sister. The psychologist had gone to the same church based school as my ex boss and her sister.

I find it hard to believe that my Psychologist could have joined the dots together by herself as I had never mentioned my ex boss's name. Some one had to have joined the dots for her.

I would really value your input on my situation as coming across your Page was a life changing moment for me. Suddenly I was not paranoid, I am not crazy - people like her exist!!
Jun 30, 2015
 32 yrs of hell
by: Kohia

I married my husband 32 yrs ago and his parents disliked me from day one...I didn't know it then but his father was grooming flying monkeys all over the place and also within the family I married into...my Brother IL wife slandered me my sister IL slandered me and my Father IL was the worst. 32 years down the track I have raised 4 beautiful honest children..but I'm damaged..and I feel like I damaged my children as I tried in vain to sta sane against the onslaught of living in a small rural town where people hated me. I went from a happy 23 yr old to a bitter 55 yr old..but I have learnt so much over the past year...I was made to feel unworthy by my in laws..but after finding out my in laws are Narcs it all makes sense. The lies they spread...the threats of suing me if I dare question my sister in laws integrity. And in the past year threats of blackmailing me. I received another message the other day...it went like this...."how dare you question my integrity. I have no idea what your problem is. Family is family and well you got everything. Well not quite. You have left me no other option than to tell your children what your husband did to me and my friends. I'm sure a lawyer would pay me to take this to court. "
I have spoken to my husband about her accusations..and he has said yes he mucked around as a kid and she was a willing participant...when she phoned me once and tried blackmailing me over the same thing I asked her how old she was. Mine said she was 8 which made him 10.. I told her to grow up and that most kids played around like this..and she needed to take responsiblity for her actions ( I found out she used her dead mothers identity to further her political career ...accidentally ...and told her it was illegal what she was doing) because I questioned her she threatened me. It's not the first time...but for once I now realise I am way more worthy than her...I have been no contact for 12 months but she is always posting to her flying monkeys on Facebook how I have betrayed her and how she is the victim..sadly they all believe her..
Jun 14, 2015
 The Separation Begins
by: Anonymous Too

I've suspected my sister is a narcissist for some time and am lucky that I have family who also sees her illness. Sadly, she's infiltrated my life to the extent that I can't completely eliminate her from the social part of it (as opposed to the familial) and am currently going through the frustration of keeping my mouth shut during a terrible ordeal between us to keep other people from thinking I'm nuts - they're good at that, aren't they? Again, I'm lucky that I have a contract regarding the matter and am at least protected legally - and have it in writing as proof to others when the legal part is over - although I think not caring about that would be a true indication that I'm on the right path. I see so many valuable comments here and am grateful that you're all sharing - I've decided to enter therapy from it. I'm in my late 40s (I notice it takes us decades) and she's in her late 50s. My beautiful (and when I say beautiful, I mean that strangers approach her and tell her that, even at this age), charming older sister - she tells stories about her life that are actually mine, she insists she was present in my life situations where she wasn't, she started me on drugs when I was 11, left me so high with a child molester boyfriend of hers when I was 12 I couldn't escape him, she successfully hit on my boyfriends, tells people lies about me at the onset of my relationships with them to establish dominance, and becomes vicious when confronted. I see that some of you have been isolated and I highly recommend therapy and immediately severing the ties where they can be - without explanation to anyone. Have faith in yourself that you know the truth and do what you can to find happiness in this short life. Plus, the one thing that drives a narcissist crazier is by not telling them a thing. Take back your power!
Jun 10, 2015
 age range
by: Anonymous

I am right there with you all. Out of 5 siblings only my closest in age sister and I are talking. Our father was a alcoholic N-which meant that there was no telling which direction his viciousness would take. Mostly he aimed it at my sister, but if he could turn us against each other he took the opportunity to do it. My oldest sister took up his calling early on and has convinced the other two siblings to follow her, no one wants to be on her bad side and she is very good at turning people through innuendo and suggestion against each other. She has managed to convince the others to disown our mother while she was in the hospital, that takes talent. I hope to never have to see these horrible people again, and my sister and I will hopefully live our lives out with no contact. Unfortunately we are both waiting for the other shoe to drop-there is always another shoe! Back to age, we are both in our 50's and it has taken this long to figure out the family dynamics, is this normal?
May 23, 2015
 Narc Father and Siblings
by: Anonymous

My father was an alcoholic, but I always felt there was something else wrong with him. Thank to this and other sites I feel sane for the first time. I am the scapegoat in the family, when I'm not ignored completely.
My oldest sister has know filled his shoes. She is very convincing and uses innuendo very effectively. It amazes me how convincing she is. Social workers, police and priests have fell under her malignant charm. Sometimes she isn't able to control her rage and every once in a while, someone see's her for what she is.
I find it very interesting that a lot of people who are posting here are in their 50's. Anyone have comments or theories why? I'm in that age group also.
I am counting the days until I don't have to deal with her and the other narc brother and enabling others. I am ready have peace in my life!
May 09, 2015
 I hear you!
by: Anonymous

My sister is a narcissist and also has other mental deficit behaviors also. Without rehashing our entire lives, a quick history will lay it out. Whole family is alcoholics, every single aunt uncle or cousin. I am the sole sober one and probably only because I am allergic to alcohol (puke after 2 drinks).

I am the older sister and pretty much raised my little sister, we are only 3 yrs apart. Mom had to work full time and was drunk all night. I did the best I could, but a 4 yr old should not be raising a baby.

All my sister's life she has been "off". Started threatening suicide by 8 yrs old and has attempted suicide at least 15 times through out our lives. She maintains some control by remaining weak and unstable.

Her narcissistic behavior is not classical, she is more of a covert sneaky one. Always shy, never speaks of herself, sneaky and self loathing. Was diagnosed as bi polar and put on medication. This was not the right diagnosis. She is NEVER happy or feel joy. She knows when to SAY she feels happy but you never see it genuinely.

I have definite codependacy issues, as many of us do here. A good heart and empathize with those struggling. We are not bad people, we just always put ourselves lower on the list.

7 yrs ago - my sister was addicted to pain pills. We lived apart, thank god, but I was to drive 2 hrs to her home to hang out. I had my 2 yr old daughter with me. We arrive there and my sister is seriously running through the woods naked. My first reaction was to make her stop and I was so embarrassed for her! I grabbed her, threw her on the ground and held her there. She calmed down and told me she wanted to go get dressed. As I let her up, she took off toward my car with my SLEEPING daughter in it. I caught her and beat the shit out of her. Who knows what she planned on doing.

She entered rehab. And that is when she sucked me into her narcissistic cycle. I supported her, went to family days etc. Convinced myself that it was her addiction causing all this.

1 yr later

She convinces my husband and I that she is sober, doing out patient therapy and we *did* see a big difference. She wanted money to open an espresso cart. We felt proud of her and we had the money. We went in partners 50/50.

1 yr later

We have an event to do. She shows up at our house at 9am - SO drunk. Beyond drunk. Drove to our house. Her words were, "Who is the idiot? I have never been sober. Who is the idiot? Hahaha"

So after that happened, I was stuck. We had invested thousands of dollars. We remained in the business until currently. Yes. I should have ran.

Narcissists always go thru a cycle. Admiration,devaluation,discard

My sister is was so lonely. She lives with our father, has never paid rent, she is 35.

We convinced her after one of her major rage attacks that she needed a boyfriend. She hopped online and found one.

That is when my devaluation began. I soon began to be called an "user" or that I was taking advantage of her in our business. I was targetted as one who was stealing money.

Her last rage episode, i responded in a different way. I chose to not reply, not to engage. This resulted in a major meltdown where she threatened calling child protection services, threatened to come to my husbands job, threatened to harm me.

Once she went that far, there was no going back. It has been 4 months and she still hasnt stopped. Constantly coming up with more reasons why I am at fault.

AUGUST 1ST IS MY END THE BUSINESS DATE. I AM SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO EXCITED TO SEE THE LAST 7 YRS END.

I now see that I have always been her "stand in victim" I have gone through at least 3 narcissistic cycles in 38 yrs. I am so glad I am strong enough to come out of it.

Reading and learning about WHY we let ourselves become their victims is very helpful. We have a tendacy to be codependant. Get help for that and MOVE ON.

I have times where I miss her horribly. I raised her. She, at times, was a precious friend and sister. Now I know it is all fake. She has never loved me or my family. So I grieve.

Thanks for listening! It does help to write it down.
May 06, 2015
 Twisted sister
by: Sally

Thank you for writing your article. It is amazing to see how many of us have suffered in confusion.
My sister is 3 years older than me and for as long as I can remember has made my life extremely miserable. I have been pre occupied for the most of my life, trying to make sense of her behaviour toward me. I see myself as a caring person and am a trained nurse by occupation.
The worst thing she has done is to manipulate my family into disliking me through no fault of my own. My dear father died in 2010 and he never fell for her lies. But now he is gone, she runs the show. She often organises family meals for my mum and brother and his daughters but would never invite me or my family ever, just enjoy telling me about it and how she always pays for their meals.
My son was born very prematurely but this was barely acknowledged and she HATED it when family actually were considerate to me. My daughter is very successful and achieving well at grammar school yet her outstanding grades are never ever mentioned.
I struggle to work out how it has all gone so wrong or am I now seeing it as I am questioning life as I get older.
I hate how she can make me the villain when I' know I am not. It's so frustrating but I gave learnt now to distance myself. I don't answer the phone if I see her number and one thing I would advise is never confide in a narcissist , even though you can forget temporarily as they are family.
Try to keep them at arms length and although they will never be completely gone, being busy really helps. I try to ensure I see as little of her as I can.
I wish everyone all the best as I know how awful it is
Apr 25, 2015
 Monica - So glad to hear that...
by: Anonymous

Monica,

So glad to hear that my comments have helped in the way they were intended...namely to help free you of what is an unfair burden.

I want to make it clear here to anyone else who may be at this point of understanding and forgiving themselves, that I don't mean it as a carte blanche to continue reacting in ways that may be harmful to yourself or others, because you now have, through your better understanding of the whole dynamic, some tools to deal with this type of abuse in a more effective way. You now have the validation (even if only online!)of those who've been in your shoes...you now know that reacting in a certain ways just feeds the narcissists game and digs you deeper into their trap...and you know that you must create strong and healthy boundaries (this can be very difficult, but get's easier with practice)or just go no-contact if that's what's necessary.

Best of luck to you Monica, and everyone else in their healing and growth.
Apr 12, 2015
 Thank you anonymous!
by: Monica

I want to thank the person who responded to my story. One of the most resonating comments was that they forgave themselves for their reactions to this abuse. A lightbulb went off. The very thought kept me up all night, distraught yet free. I have much to do in this area and appreciate the guidance.
Apr 11, 2015
 Monica...Yes...Breath...Do if for yourself
by: Anonymous

Monica,

I completely understand as my sister is exactly the same (I'm 51 now and my sister is 55) I found a great deal of peace and healing by distancing myself...by accepting that it is a "sickness" caused by deep pain of her own (although it's buried so deeply that it manifests in ways that don't at all look like pain, and are dangerous to others!)...by forgiving myself for my own reactions when all I knew was that my soul was being mangled by this dysfunction...and by accepting that I'm never going to get back what was taken from me. On the brighter side, I'm now able to protect myself from further abuse by allowing myself strong boundaries, guilt free. I suspect that the real issue with the Barbies is not actually the Barbies themselves, but just what they represent, which is just another opportunity for your sister to rip away yet another piece of what's meaningful to you. I always have what I call an "allergic reaction" the second I detect that my sister is about to pull one of these stunts. I just try to remember to ...b r e a t h e....and to stay as clear as possible about what is actually going on so that I can choose a more effective response...one that she is not expecting is usually best, because she's probably actually FEEDING on your "usual response". If you don't reward her with that but rather find a more clever way of pointing out the facts and/or straightening out the b.s. it "might" (no guarantees with an N!) throw her completely off balance and force her to see something about herself.

In the mean time, take care of yourself, and forgive yourself for not knowing how else to handle the past situations. Our lives are more than half over, and I don't know about you but I've had enough and insist on enjoying as much of the time I have left as possible. I deserve it, and so do you!
Apr 10, 2015
 Can I breathe yet?
by: Monica

I am two years younger than my older and only sibling. The abuse started the day I was born. There are no happy pictures of her loving her new baby sister. My parents are oblivious, or maybe just can't look at her as damaged. Everything emcompassing what these people do, she has done. I have always been known as the "sensitive" one. She was never looked at as insensitive. I have been Gaslighted, physically abused and stolen from. Everytime a boundary was crossed I had no recourse because of course, I am the crzy one. I am writing this now, at age 52, because the final blow has been delivered and I must go to NO CONTACT. I am so sad that it has to include my parents who never protected me from her abuse and are setting me up for the motherload of all times. She is in control of their will. They have told me repeatedly to "trust her" she would never abuse that power. Just last week while she was at my parent's house she got into my Barbie collection which I was going to go through in three weeks. She then posted my stuff on Facebook and paraded them as hers patting herself on the back for her keen fashion sense. Mind you I played with them years after she grew out of them so anything they were wearing was of my design. To make it worse my mother knew immediatly that that would harm me, per her phone call while it was going on yet did nothing. Can't upset princess when she is getting what she wants. I can't even have my things, why on earth do they think she would be fair to me executing a will. I cracked up and wrote a scathing e-mail. My PTSD makes that happen, and I apologized for the nastiness of my words, but not the message, I want my belongings back. So I get the crazy label again and she lives happily with my dolls. AAARRRGGGH! I truly want to crawl out of my skin.
Mar 29, 2015
 Holidays
by: Anonymous

My sister is also 4 years old than I...I figured out that Narcissism was what the problem is with her at least a couple of years ago, but have not chosen to mention the term to my parents or other siblings (I suspect that the parents may be responsible for creating that monster in the first place)I was so relieved to have the answer I'd been searching for my whole life, and really didn't want to open a whole new can of worms in family...I'm 51...My parents are 80 and 83...and may have known more than they let on for many years, but just didn't know what to do about it, which could be behind their refusal to try and "deal with it head-on". They knew I suffered greatly, but were probably in denial about how much of that suffering was caused by this dysfunction...probably thought I could just "handle it" and probably have NO idea, nor WANT to have any idea of the profound damage that was caused. This way of "dealing" is not something that I believe could or would change at this point....and really, what would be the point now anyway...I'm not only fully grown, but my parents are declining...I think it would be foolish to expect any kind of true understanding or apology at this point. I do believe they probably did the best they were able...which just happened to be quite far from "enough". I usually find a way to avoid being with the family over the Holidays...Most of them live in another state...I didn't attend my Mothers 80th birthday and actually explained to her (without using the "N" word) that being around my sister was just too difficult and to have to spend a good chunk of money to fly to CA just to be subjected to that was something I was no longer willing to do (I used to be more "dutiful" when I was younger) My mother actually told me she understood and didn't try to make me feel guilty (however my N sister was a different story!) I always feel a little weird when friends ask me what I'm doing for Christmas and I tell them it will be just me and my son, because that "sounds" so "un-Christmas-like". The truth is I thoroughly enjoy this newfound freedom to enjoy peace during the holidays...After never having that before, it truly is heavenly.
Mar 28, 2015
 Holidays?
by: Anonymous

Well, just like the rest of the posters have mentioned, your stories echho my own. My N sister is 4 years older. Her rage is focused on me. after over 30 years of her abuses, i said enough is enough and cut her out of my life compleltely. I was wondering what everyone does for holidays or other family gatherings? My parents and brother know my sister is crazy but they constantly walk on egg shells around her and desperatley try to just keep the peace. No one sticks up for me and they have actually asked me not to defend myself so we can all pretend like we have a normal family. I've come to hate Christmas time and seriously want to skip this year but I dont want to hurt my other family members feelings. But I also don't feel like they consider my feelings on this matter. Another wrinkle is that when I'm not around, my sister focuses her rage on my mother, who is less emotionally capabale of takinf her rage. So how do you all handle the holidays?
Mar 27, 2015
 Thankyou
by: Anonymous

Ive just come across this post,cannot believe that I'm reading my story in your lives.ive never understood how or why this has happened.I loved these people but they never loved me at all.Until both my parents had died I had know idea what had happened.Both my Mother and sister seem to have had this disorder.It has all but ruined my every waking moment.Not one relative or past friend (40 yrs ago) has ever spoken to me,because of the slander spoken to them by them.I have always wondered what I did so wrong but no-one has ever said anything.Im still so confused by what it actually was.Ive moved away with my husband and children ,and take one day at a time.Trust issues are still with me,they will never go away.Ive tried to console myself with what I call Game Playing.I have learnt that there is an Heavenly Father and that he knows all that is going on and if this is the way it's meant to be then so be it.You have comforted me in so many ways Xx
Mar 21, 2015
 Manipulation, I think....
by: Trying to deal

I need some advice from my peers here. After almost a year of limited contact, the push is really on to draw me back in. It so just so happens to be graduation time, and a pending wedding of my niece and nephew (N's children). Ironic, eh? Yet this past Christmas, there was no contact....from anyone, not even a card. From ANYONE else in the family, nor anything for my children. This includes my father, sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews, nieces..... Nada, zip, zilch...
I recently saw my youngest sister. It was a "duty dinner". Nothing personal was really shared. She cut me off about 6 - 9 months ago. Seems the only time we get along is when she's mad at the "N" sister. It's so bad, I don't even know where my father lives. Over christmas I found out he changed his number. I was not informed.
I have not been a "perfect angel" through all this. Self destruction is the term I'd use. Hiding, I suppose. Tired of beating my head up against a brick wall....I drank. No hiding it. It was a problem. It affected my health. I retired from a successful career (which the N has bashed) raised two wonderful children(whom she bashes, sometimes to my face), and have lived a good life, despite my drinking. I own property and care for it(which she is constantly puts down in anyway shape or form) Honestly for all my self destruction, I have everything I need. The things my N sister has said about me, I would expect she's talking about a person who spent a lifetime in and out of rehab or jail, but certainly not me. I've confronted her with what I know, and she denies and sometimes claims it actually happened. It's beyond comprehension....really. My heart starts pounding when I think about it. My God, what do these people she speaks to think?
I can't help but feel I'm being held over a barrel. I'm not allowed access to my family because I'm not getting along with the "N" sister. I've made it more than clear to the "N" if she'd just admit it to me, that she has in fact said all these horrible things it would go a long way to easing the tension. She refuses and it becomes a further rant of how it actually happened, or how I deserved it. I need to hear her say it, or I won't join in.
Has anyone else seen/felt this? Does it seem like classic manipulation? Many Thanks...
Jan 31, 2015
 Finally confronted my situation
by: Anonymous

My sister if 15 years older than me and is narcistic. Self absorbed, demanding, manipulative and yes at times overtly cruel. She has told me that my mother did not bond with me but that she was the special one who saved our fathers life after the war. She gave him a reason to live. She has a strong sense of entitlement and if you don't respond to that she gets really aggressive.

So what does she do that affects me
Well she steals my stories and identity. She will get information off me then use it as if that thing happened to her. I and my hushand have seen her do it. She will dismiss or talk over me if I shine. So maybe someone is talking to me and things are going well she will interrupt or she will change the subject to make out someone someone is already doing whatever better than me. OR she will say she is doing what I am talking about even though she isn't. She bad mouths me to others. One of her lifelong friends came up to me at a party and said very coldly and without invitation that I was a depressive , not a good thing for a doctor. I was mortified mainly because I am not a depressive although I have experienced an episode of depression but also because it was clear that my sister had been discussing me and presenting me in a negative light.

So the problem came to a head when I was 55. I had had a new worktop put in my kitchen. She came and started to chop on it and put hot pans on it. She was told repeatedly by my husband to stop and by myself. She showed no respect. This is one of many instances where she has tried to damage my stuff. Crashed one of our cars, broken my sewing machine, broken my food processor. I began to believe that she has subconscious aggression towards me and that was why she was breaking things.

I survived all this because she lives abroad. It would have been terrible if she lived near me. However, I had always felt we should separate emotionally for my sake and hers. However, she keeps ringing me. The niceness is always followed by a flip or a nasty remark.

When my mum died, She asked me to hang fire with arrangements which I did thinking that she wanted to share the arrangments with me. No she came took over again. So I kept my dignity and let her. However, I then raised the issue of our relationship issues and tried to discuss a number of her actions but she just denied what I knew she had actually done or said. I then realised we can never fix this without honesty.

Since she has now started on my husband, talking over him and changing the subject whenever his career comes up, my husband has drawn a line.

I have now decided emotional distance is my best option. I have made the break.
Jan 27, 2015
 Response to "Waking Up"
by: Anonymous

Congratulations!!!!! :) I just love to witness that "waking up" moment in others as I know just how awesome and pivotal it is! Although you weren't able to tell the whole story here (no-one could...it's indescribable), it sounds like you've identified the most important "proof"....namely the RESULT of being with those "certain people". Now that you know it isn't you, the healing can begin. Take care of yourself!
Jan 26, 2015
 The Road to Recovery
by: Waking Up

I came across this site today after making the decision, once and for all, to break away from the two narcissist's in my life - my mother and my sister. The effects of them both on my life have been terrible and over the past few years I have become addicted to painkillers in order to blot out the hurt. I decided to make an appointment at the doctors today because I had seriously begun to believe that I had mental health issues. Then I stopped and looked at myself long and hard. It's all come to the fore recently because, because of low self esteem, I have realised that a friend is showing these narcissistic traits to. That's when I realised it's me who must change. In the past when I have limited contact with these people I have achieved so much but as soon as I am made to feel guilty or obliged to make contact again it all goes downhill. I've lost good friends because I become neurotic and untrusting and it has caused countless problems in my marriage, to the point where I've almost lost everything. There is not enough space here to describe the things that I've experienced. I just wanted to thank you all for sharing your experience, it helps so much to know I'm not the only one and that I'm not going crazy. Love and best wishes to you all and here's hoping that 2015 is the start of a lifetime of emotional freedom and peace for us all xx
Jan 21, 2015
 Re: venting
by: Anonymous

Your wife will never see the side of your sister that you know as long as she remains in your sister's good graces and gives her all the attention. My husband has known my sister for over 30 years and still tries to get me to resume a relationship with her. If your wife has a healthy relationship with her family, she will never be able to fathom how horrible it can be. Your sister is too smart to show her true colors. You need to get her away from your family as soon as possible. Sit your wife down and be as blunt as needed. Do it for her and your daughter. You can't let this continue to the next generation.
Jan 14, 2015
 Venting
by: JJ

I am convinced that my younger sister has NPD, or some form of this disease. For the past 3 years, we've only spoken a handful of times. This stems from my calling out her bad behavior and telling her she needed to apologize to our parents for that bad behavior. I'm 33, she's 32. She is still "in my life" through my wife. They "do lunch" frequently and she "buys my daughter's love". I am against all of this and have advised my wife of her condition but she still continues to see my sister. My sister always finds a way to turn the conversation back to her. It's always about her new car, her new purse, her new job, etc. She lashes out irrationally if you point out her mistakes and will use personal secrets against you just to make sure she hurt you. I wasn't mean, I didn't use foul language...I just let her know she was out of line and needed to apologize for her behavior. You'd think I started WW3. She's asked a few times if we can start talking again, I just require an apology. She'll never apologize, by her own admission, so it's a moot point. This has been the norm since we were kids. She'd make me believe a girl liked me or that I was the most popular guy at our school, but when I asked that girl out she was the first one to laugh when I got rejected. I remember being punished as a child for something my sister had done. "Because I should have known better to not let my younger sister do that..." This may have been the cause of her NPD. She will never seek treatment because that's admitting she is fallible. And the Almighty One is never wrong. I'm just stuck, not talking to my sister and wishing my wife didn't feed her NPD.
Jan 11, 2015
 Sister still relentless
by: Anonymous

Today is the day my sister should have received the boxes I refused delivery on. Around noon, I received a blocked phone call. I have blocked all my sister's phone numbers and emails because her MO is to inundate me with harassing, judgemental and accusatory messages. I believe the phone call was from her. Since I went. NC with her, I've gotten a number of blocked calls, probably from her. I used to worry she'd get so desperate that she would just show up at my door. Now, I'm not worried. I know that if that should ever happen, I'd just shut the door in her face. I spent my life being afraid and intimidated by this screaming, egotistical, self-centered, hateful person that my mother created who made my life a living hell. I just turned 50 not long ago and I'm taking my life back! Many of you are worried about offending the n in your life and what others will think if you. Stop worrying! What is best for you? Did they ever once consider your welfare before theirs? Did they ever try to see your point of view? Did they ever accept you for the wonderful person you are? For the first time in your life, put your happiness first, you will not believe how it will set you free!
Jan 09, 2015
 N Sister is relentless
by: Anonymous

I had to vent here because no one else but all of you will understand. My husband thinks I should "patch things up". You can't do that with a n sister, it's opening the door to torture. I went NC with my mother And sister in April, she died in September. True to form, my sibling sent her flying monkies to try to get to see her on her deathbed and go to her funeral. I didn't go to either and I blocked all phone numbers and emails from my sister and her minions. Later, she sent a certified letter, I refused delivery. Today, she mailed two boxes of God know what, again I refused delivery. I waited my whole life to be rid of my mother and sister. Society's guilt trip about mothers kept me tangled up with her for too long. Now I can be at peace and I want no reminders of my horrible past. My mother was ignoring, my sister is engulfing. This is killing her, I know it is. There are no boundaries with her and I wonder what she'll try next. Any normal person would have gotten the message by now, but a narcissist never does. Thank you, just had to get this off my chest. I am so glad you all are here!
Dec 05, 2014
 Finally understand my sister is NPD
by: timetoletgo

I relate to many of these comments. I have too many stories to tell of my sister who is 10 years older has hated me, envied me and put me down most of my life. It started to show when I was in high school. She has openly admitted to her inability to be happy for me and believes that she is entitled to those feelings. She didn't attend my wedding and most recently told me that she couldn't be happy with me following the adoption of my first child. This was after knowing that I could never conceive and had lost a couple children. Still, she felt her life was so miserable and so I shouldn't be happy, too.
I am constantly accused of being selfish. She claims that she is the only one who cares about the family and that no one appreciates her. She cries abuse at every turn and complains that her siblings give her the worst treatment. It is an ongoing narrative of being the victim and it so exhausting. I do not want a relationship with her anymore. I'm trying not to respond to her text unless absolutely necessary. She lives with my parent who are elderly and need help with picking up meds and meals. I have tried to help financially and physically when able. I have listened to countless hours of complaints without ever being asked about myself. Dare I express a need or want and it's like I've committed a major crime. I've help her and her daughters through the years with extracurricular expenses, gifts, etc. Yet, I am told that I don't care and I don't appreciate her. I only care about other people outside of my family according to her. She badmouths me to anyone who will listens and blames myself and the other siblings for her being stuck with my parents although she could have moved out in her 20's but too afraid. She feels the world owes her something. To this day, she blames my parents for the way her life turned out and is often bent on putting everyone in their place and doesn't rest until she does. Yet, she can never get enough of setting everyone straight. It's a continual process. I'm sick and tired of it all. I want to move on but I'm struggling because she is pretty much my direct line of communication to my parents. They don't drive or answer their phone and I live across the country so if I stop talking to her then it's likely I won't be talking to them. She has been so toxic especially lately that I need to have a safe distance for my sanity and so that I can be present for my family. Her behavior has been such a distraction and cause of anxiety that I have been having trouble focusing on caring for my family. I just keep praying to God to help me to do the right thing and that my parents will know that I love them but that I have to stay away. I'm very sad that it's come to this but I have given it my all and I have no more to give to this situation. I believe my sister is at her sickest right now and having any contact with her is detrimental to my health and well-being.
Nov 28, 2014
 You're welcome
by: Anonymous B

If that info helps just one person, it's worth it. It was the lights going on for me.
Nov 26, 2014
 finally woke up
by: Anonymous

Thank you for this website! Finally I am able to see what the problem is. I have no contact with anyone in my beyond broken family. Thanks again!
Nov 23, 2014
 abcdefg
by: Anonymous

narcisstic sister hates to see me happy. her current campaign is her scheming as she wants to live in my home. she involves her partner etc in her hate campaign. prior to this it was my ex gf who took the brunt of her venom. then it was the people I hung out with. enough said. don't even want to understand why she's like this, no contact / minimal contact is the only way for me. guess others on her understand
Nov 21, 2014
 Validation
by: Anonymous B

Thank you for your validation. I hope the info will help others. We here want to heal, but we want to help others to heal too.
Nov 21, 2014
 You Carry The Cure In Your Own Heart
by: Catherine

I found the article referenced in the previous comment. It is an excellent article. Definitely worth a read:

http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/disp_9408_a.html

Thanks so much for mentioning it.

Also, here's the link to Thru The Looking Glass - An Anti Bullying Blog

Very wise words Anonymous B. Thank you for sharing. Your words mean so much and I think will help heal someone else from the same pain they've endured growing up.
Nov 21, 2014
 Another good site to go to is:
by: Anonymous B

I also want to add a site which I think is helpful to all who have been bullied by family members:

Thru The Looking Glass An Anti=Bullying Blog

This is good for all types of bullying. But for me, the only bullying I ever experienced was my family.

You must put the entire title in, as the site also deals with other types of things, unrelated to the bullying many here have been living with.

It's comforting to know that we can do many positive things in our own hearts/minds to protect ourselves from bullying, abuse, even from our own injured selves, since some of us harm ourselves greatly when in pain, and live with hope and peace of mind.
Nov 21, 2014
 YOU CARRY THE CURE in YOUR OWN HEART by Andrew Vachss as printed in PARADE MAGAZINE AUG. 1994
by: Anonymous B

I feel for you, and have walked your path all of my life. My sister would do the same things, give lavish gifts to my children, do great and''loving'' things for my husband, praise him, while finding fault with and ignoring me and my attempts to receive her ''love''. They all, in time, saw through her. Her hatefulness would come out just enough for them to see it. I finally put my first name 'letter B' to a post. I don't need to worry that my sister will see this, she would never go to a n. place online because she would never think that she is a n. The rest of my family? I don't care, they already know all of this and they know my feelings.

I feel for you. You are young, I believe. I went to therapy years ago when in my 20's and 30's and 40's. Got some help, but not much since I still at those ages didn't get it that I was dealing with two n's. I didn't even know what a narcissist was yet. My mother and oldest sister both were/are n's. I was the 2nd child, and the scapegoat/ignored one. It nearly destroyed my hope in ever feeling good about myself. But in my 50's, and beyond, I got wiser because I did get good help, I read a ton of books, self-help ones on family dynamics. And that is where my huge help came from. Family Dynamics is what causes these kinds of problems. The N.'s are really wounded souls. That sounds so forgiving of me to see them that way, but no, I still have problems with forgiving them. I am working on it because I now know that not forgiving them keeps me just as sick as they are, and keeps them in control of me. Although our mother is gone for years, the n. sister shows her sick attitude toward me 10 times stronger than when our mother was here. But now I know why she does it, she does it because to treat me good would make her feel unfaithful to our mother. I was my mother's scapegoat, her ''helper'' when she needed anything done, and I got no appreciation for it, only criticism. My mother taught my sister to treat me as if I was unworthy of their love, concern, decent treatment. I had to read outside self help books to understand it. How could a mother reject her own child and teach others in the family to do the same, and get away with it?
I have read many items that have helped me greatly.
But none was a powerful or helpful as an article printed from a Parade Magazine back on August 28, 1994. The title: "You Carry the Cure In Your Own Heart"by Andrew Vachss. You can find it online if you type that title into your browser.
It has told my story, along with most here on this site. And explains why we had all those same symptoms that it describes - why we feel the way we do. Why we have the emotional problems that we have worked so hard to overcome. With no help from our families, the very ones who were suppose to care about us, embrace us and help us to grow up with a feeling of belonging. Because of these helps that these books and articles have given us, I feel very close to being whole and lovable and normal at last. And finally, I actually reach out to people and have succeeded in making a few lasting, true friends, and am a better wife and mother and grandmother because of this kind of help. We DO carry the cure within our own heart, because it has to be a belief within OUR heart that we never deserved the abuse, the n eglect, the hatred, we deserved love, acceptance, self-respect, self-esteem, and we can give it to our SELVES. :) Our Creator wants us to do that. Keep searching for your answers, you will find them. Read, read, read. And let the lessons we learn make us all better, more loving people because of learning that we can take responsibility for our own happiness without anyone else's approval. :))
Nov 20, 2014
 What next?
by: Confused

My mother and younger sister are pretty much the same person. Beautiful, sensitive, empathetic.....until you get stung. It's confusing and I feel like I'm on an emotional roller coaster.

You never quite know when it's going to happen. I am the ignored child and the oldest sibling is the scapegoat. The youngest, who is a carbon copy of my mother, is the golden child. GC sends the most awful texts. They are bad and my stomach churns when she sends them.

My mother, of course is aware that I am holding my ground with her, although hasn't asked me how I am, or if I want to talk about it. This has been going on for a year and a half now. I have decided, after reading about narcissism, to go NC wtih GC. Even though she has been sending dreadful texts telling me I need therapy and I'm crazy like our dad (deceased)she still thinks it's absolutely fine to call and text my husband and my daughter. They are ignoring her calls. My son's birthday is coming up and she wants to buy him a present. I feel very uncomfortable with this. She is abusive to me and has said she no longer wants a relationship with me, but wants to buy my children presents.

If I block the presents and contact, does that make me manipulative? I'm confused. All I need is boundaries for her. In the past I have tried to explain I need her to apologise for the dreadful texts but that just fuels a new frightening rage. I've been in therapy for three years, which helps. Before therapy, I would have just accepted the abuse, this seems so difficult. I really hope this gets easier. The guilt and pity I feel is taking up all my energy. Does it get better?
Nov 17, 2014
 Be Good to Yourselves!
by: Anonymous

I am new to this site, and can relate to all that has happened and still happening in your lives. It is horrible what these people do to our souls. These comments have really helped me. Please keep reading, going to therapy, and being kind to yourselves. Many, many hugs to you all!!
Nov 06, 2014
 Getting Your Identity Back
by: Anonymous

I've been reading all the posts on here and it's just crazy how much i can relate! Thank you all for sharing. It's comforting to know there are people out there that know exactly what you're going through and it's been encouraging to read your thoughts. I'm 33 and my sister is about to turn 38. All my life I've felt like I've lived in her shadow. When we were younger she was jealous of our other sister, who is 15months older than me, so when i came along she decided I would belong to her and we would pick on our other sister. We even had a joke about me living in her pocket. I now take it more seriously as it's only lately I feel I've began to think for myself and started realising what's really going on. It's like she has a split personality. It's funny, I was just telling my friend about all of the times she's started doing things I'm interested in and how people have been getting us muddled up since she dyed her hair the same colour as mine, and how I felt i didn't know who I was anymore, then I found this site with people saying a lot of the same type of thing! I'm trying to distance myself from her but it's obvious she's aware of it and as there's photo's of her in the pub with my old friends (that don't speak to me anymore because I became a christian). She's a very controlling and manipulative person and I was often on edge when I was around her. She knows she's controlling and she said she likes just being able to click her finger and get all the guys to do what she wants. The thing is she has said that all her ex's are narcissists and it's through her saying her latest one is that I realised that she is the one who is the narcissist. I suffer from anxiety and depression, and also have ADHD and fibro myalgia and I do blame her and my mother for causing these because I've never been good enough or allowed to have my own opinion, and everything was always my fault. My mother's treated me like I'm not worth listening to or having a conversation with and my father had a temper when I was growing up. He's changed a lot though, for the better and I love my dad. My mother changed for the worse but she's never been a good mother to me. Anything good she's ever done for me has been for her benefit because she needs to be needed so she tries to control my life even when I tell her not to. I'm on the waiting list to see a psychologist and I'm doing a CBT course. I'm so hoping this will me establish my voice and clear and healthy boundaries. It's a long road ahead and despite me hitting the bars a lot lately n avoiding God/church the past few months I'm sure He will get me through this and I'm grateful for this site and all your posts. Any help or suggestions welcome..
Nov 04, 2014
 Get help
by: Anonymous

I think all of you must have met my sister. I don't have to talk about the hell we've all been through. What I want to tell you is to please get professional counseling. At the doctor for an unrelated issue, I was identified as someone who might benefit from talking to someone. It was the smartest thing I ever did. I needed to talk to someone who could be objective, not connected to anything that was happening. I am going to be okay now, I know I am. She helped me prepare for my mother's imminent death (the original NPD) and supported me in my decision to go No Contact. It's not over yet, feelings are still there that have to be dealt with. But it's a start in the right direction. Take that first step, you deserve to have peace in your life. We are already lucky not to have gone down that dark road, keep going. Don't give up.
Oct 31, 2014
 Wise and peaceful ways
by: Kate

I can relate to a lot of what you have said. I have also decided to distance myself from my sister completely - for my own peace and well being. There are too many lovely people out there in the world to have to associate with people who actively try to harm you. My brother cut off contact from her years ago, I thought this cruel at the time but realise now that it was the wise way to go.
Oct 30, 2014
 Stolen Identity
by: Anonymous

Several posters have commented on an older sister robbing them of their identity. Could someone please explain what this means. I have an older sibling (19 months older) who has always copied my life. Whatever I have it seems she wants it. Not to share in the thing or experience but to better me. I guess it's a competitive thing but very painful. It happens all of the time. I'm not sure how to handle it but find myself withdrawing from her and my entire family. I feel like I'm redundant. She's aggressive so once it's hers, it can no longer be mine.
Oct 18, 2014
 Angry
by: Anonymous

You should write letters to your future Grandchildren. And letters to your children. The problem is that if it took us this long to see it. They don't see it yet either. I find if u show anger. It makes them doubt. If I tell my children also ethi g happens. They sometimes see it a little bit. But they aren't the ones attacked. Only the scapegoat. My sister is up to no good right now. Not really sure what's up. But I'm sure it won't be long before I find out. She to,d me yesterday that I purposly leave her out of her having relationships with other people by them liking me better than her. Yeah. Okayyyyyy!! They are crazy.
Oct 16, 2014
 Tell your own story
by: Anonymous

Why dont u write ur own autobiography? Write down your life in a book. Get copies made and when u die each grandkid gets a copy. Then when ur sister blabs lies bout you, they can read ur side of the story too. Dont be mean about ur sister in ur book That would make them not believe u as much and would just make ur story ugly. Jst tell strait facts. Bet ur life in military would be interesting for ur grandkids to read.
Oct 16, 2014
 Re Anger..Thanks
by: Anonymous

Yes, It's been hell. I feel crazy, like it's a bad dream I can't wake up from. I had a hard enough time in the service and thought retirement would be a breeze. Boy, was I ever wrong. What really gets me is I'm 100% disabled. Lung issues, but that's not what was spread around about me. Apparently I'm a sexually promiscuous alcoholic who was drummed out of the military because of it. Somehow I think it feels worse than if I were a man. I'm sure there are more stories about it stemming from her mouth, but I've ceased contact. The more I hear, the angrier I get. I'd rather feel sad than angry. That's a hellish choice. My children also get quiet when I speak to them about it. I've warned them of what was said. I think they have a hard time understanding it, because all family functions have been pleasant. I can't really blame them....I do too. Thankfully, they have not been party to the "behind the scenes" action, but it's coming. My days are probably limited, and I know the "n" is waiting for my death to really get going on them. She actually said "well, most retirees from the military only live another 10 years". My response was "Well, only 9 years to go then" and walked away. It pains me greatly I didn't see this sooner and I may leave my children unprepared for the full impact of her abuse. And my Grandchildren.....OMG...What will they hear about their Grandmother? I shudder to think. I can't accept there's nothing I can do about that. It's a rock I can't swallow. There's got to be something.... Well, I don't want to get morose. Too early for it. It'll ruin the day. Just wanted to say thanks for the responses. It helps.
Oct 15, 2014
 I feel so bad and sad for all of you.
by: Anonymous

Your stories are my stories too, I feel such compassion for you all. These sick parents and siblings could never destroy our humanity. We only wanted to belong to and be loved, accepted by our own. But we were not and are not going to be. So continue finding your own place, peace and joy without them, as I am doing. It helps to see them as sick, desperate for the prize of "Top Dog". And remembering that they will stoop as low as they deem necessary to hold on to that prize keeps me at a safe distance from them. Funny, but when I was associating with them, I was always depressed, lonely, desperate for peace. Now, I have no contact except with 2 relatives very occasionally, and I am at peace and actually found a happy, joyful life with my husband, children and a few close friends.
I'm old now. We are at the end of our lives. She still won't stop the lifelong blame/ shame tactics. So I let everyone think what they want and go on with my life, forgiving her and all who back her cruel ways. She is and always has been the powerful one. The beautiful one. And people just can't seem to resist her and her propaganda. I can't fight that. So I chose a good, honest life and am finally in an emotional peaceful place that she can't enter.
I wish you all peace.
Oct 14, 2014
 Probably so....
by: Anonymous

It's hard to believe but yes it usually is that bad. And the person that they are most jealous of is usually the one that they target. Probably because of your career. I am seriously just starting to see things for what they are. I almost want to move away because now that I see this behavior I realize if I try to mention it to anyone I am shut down. Which tells me that this has been going on for a loooooong time. my sister told my mom awhile back that she now realizes that she will never be me. My therapist said that is not good. I really am probably her target. My own children even shut me down she managed to take over both of their weddings and showers and cut me out. Her children also do this. I have to stay smart enough to know its not me or I would prolbably lose my mind. But this is the only thing that she hasn't taken from me so I have to keep it. I would like to move and start fresh. All new people that she hasn't brainwashed, all new job etc. she is a horrible, evil, manipulative piece of work. All that these people do is plan out their next "me" project. And how they can best you. Well, she has finally won. I'm getting old & tired She has everyone including my mother who I have taken care of and my own children confiding in her. If I try to talk to them about her they get very quiet. The next thing that I know a put down comes next from them I was trying to help my mom get her car yesterday so she wouldn't have to walk so far. She got mad at me and said that wasn't necessary. The next thing that I know she said that my sisters daughter (my niece) got it for her. And she didn't even have to ask. She just knew to get it for her. I have taken care of her when she was sick out of nothing but love. And my sister needs to do this now so I need to get out of the way. So I will believe me. The ugliness from them isn't worth it. My Mom has never treated me the way that she has been lately. So therefore I know my sister is behind it. The funny thing is before this. My Mom used to cry to me about my sister all of the time. But now. She walks on water. That's how they are. Even the ones who you thought that you could trust. If you challenge them. Look out. The world will be out to get you. They are very sit people. It's not you.
Oct 13, 2014
 in response to "anger"
by: Anonymous

Yes, "anger", it most likely really is as bad as you think. I've come to think of my sister as more of an "addict" than "evil"....Addicted to being on top...whatever she has to do to accomplish that, is just par for the course...It isn't motivated by hate or just wanting to do harm for harm's sake...It's motivated by desperation. It's true that the outcome couldn't be any worse if it WAS pure evil, but somehow after coming to see it this way, it really helps me in some strange way....And the biggest help of all is now knowing that there are others who know exactly what my situation has been. As I was reading your post, I was thinking...oh...my...god...this sounds exactly like the kind of thing my sister would (and DOES) do. I'll bet this guy has lived a life of hell. If no one else can see it in your own sphere, just know that I (and WE HERE)can understand it perfectly and wish you all the best.
Oct 12, 2014
 anger
by: Anonymous

I'm having trouble this morning getting past the anger. The depths of this betrayal is hard to believe. I retired from the military after 25 plus years. The "n" sister has passed off lies about my career, making it sound as though I was forced to retire among the rest of my family and I'm now looked upon with shame.
I was never one for tooting my own horn, so I didn't plan on a huge ceremony. I just wanted someone to hold the door for me while I unpacked my office type thing, but my boss said that wasn't going to fly for someone with 25 years of service. As in all things military, you follow orders, but I agreed to nothing more than a lunch. I made the mistake of mentioning the lunch to my n sister. She knew it was just a lunch. No fan fare, bells or whistles. Just food and company. I welcomed her with an invite.
Well, that was another mistake. She took the lack of fan fare, and turn it into a shaming scenario. She packed the car with my parents and her children and filled their heads with it before and after the lunch. Not to mention making me late waiting for her to arrive from out of town with her entourage. I didn't find out until two years afterwards when speaking with my Stepmother. How cunning of her. Almost admirable, but deplorable, despicable and repulsive at the same time. Like watching a horror movie and I'm furious. If there was one thing I didn't want messed with aside from my children, it's my career. I'm proud of my career. There are no blemishes in 25 years. I have a chest full of medals and a pristine service record to prove it. How could anyone do such a thing? Much less a family member? Is it evil? That's pretty much what happened. Is it really as bad as I think?
Oct 03, 2014
 Awakened, finally!
by: Anonymous

I am forty years old in 5 days and have just recently awakened to the NPD in my life. My sister is three years older than me. Unconsciously, I have suffered a lifetime of anxiety due to my relationship with this poor pathetic soul. Up until recently, I always looked at my upbringing and experiences as 'my normal'. All of September, spirit has confirmed so much in my heart that my so-called normal was actually a living hell. Memories were being revealed to me little by little. For the last couple of years I have been on a deep healing journey which has helped me care and love myself so much more. I guess with all my healing work my eyes have been opened to how I had been treated all my life by this sister. Her behaviors were abusive, manipulative and controlling and the family lives in this toxicity. I had a pretty good relationship with my mom and dad until this past year, but now I realize that I have to protect myself and my family from all the toxicity and that means letting them go too. They never could identify the NPD behavior out of shear naïveté and brainwashing. They couldn't protect me. They just don't see it. She has them under her spell. I don't believe in this lifetime that this will be healed, so I must be responsible for my well being and become more educated about this behavior pattern so I am armed. I am worth it and so are my two boys and husband. All I can say is pray lots and surrender to your higher power. Your soul is rooting for you and always wants something bigger and better than your mind can imagine. Be free!
Sep 28, 2014
 Horrible Sisiter
by: Anonymous

My sister has turned her children & now that I'm reading other posts. Probably my children also. Against me. My children & I are doing better. But I'm starting to open up & tell them about the things that she has done. When I tried in the past. They wouldn't hear of it. I've felt for years hat I was living on an island. We lost our little brother in a accident whe he was 5 we were 7-me 9-sister we were with him when it happened. I feel like we lost our Mom at that same time. She had another boy 4 years later. He was her world. I was the plain, shy unpopular child. She was the blond burst of sunshine. But she never had a good personality. I was troubled when I was a young adult & had no clue how to be a parent. We both got pregnant before we were married. She got married two weeks before the baby was born. I was left before the wedding. I'm the bad one now. So therefore any troubles between myself and my oldest daughter are due to my past. We MUST blame me for my past. But that's because I know all of the secrets of her past. That would probably get her divorced still today. But I'm not like that. I'll never tell. No need to. I know who I am. 5 years ago my Mom built an apartment onto my sisters house. And all she does is put down on my Mom. (Because you can't have two Moms in a narcissus house). Every penny my Mom spent of her own money. Turned into Mom was spending her inhertance. I asked her one day why she asked her to move In with her if she drove her that crazy. She told me that she didn't expect my Mom to live as long as she has. Yep!! That's what she said. If you confront her her child army of 4 daughters go into attack mode. They know how she is but I'm expected to overlook this. I have always taken my Mom to the Dr's & stayed with her In the hospital. She has never done this. My Mom told me she was going to give one of us her wedding ring after my Dad died. I told her to give it to my sister. I knew in my heart it wasn't worth the retribution. So now she has an addition on her house & a $10,000 diamond on her hand from a woman she never has a kind word to say about. Until now. My brother in laws mom & dad moved into our town. My bro in law works shift work. He's not in good health. She doesn't work (if you only knew how much $$ he makes. You'd know why I don't have to work. But that's his problem). Yep! Another quote. When he is not working he has to bring his parents where they need to go. Even though my sister is sitting on her good for nothing butt all day long. Well someone in the family metioned to her that she was selfish. She says that she can't help him because she is taking care of her mother. Who takes care of herself unless she's sick then I take care of her. So now she's all over my Mom. Trying to convince everyone that my Mom is ill and she is too scatterbrained to know it. She's got a nurse on it now. She told me that if she is out of town & my Mom gets sick to call her because she will tell me what needs to be done. Yeah! I'll call her. My Mom asked me to take her to eat out. She asked my Mom why would you ask her and not me. She is crazy crazy crazy. She literally makes up life as she goes along and expects everyone to bend to how she wants it. Her family does this. But they expect me to do this also. If I don't I'm treated like garbage when I go to visit my Mom. She has a shopping addiction & posts her weight on facebook when she gets below 130 lbs. She makes up lies to make herself look good & me look bad. And like everyone else it took me 50 years to find out what my problem was. They convince you that you are a bad person. When it's really them.
Sep 27, 2014
 Same Story
by: Anonymous

I'm 48 years old and my n sister is 4 years older than me. It has only been a couple of years that I realized she was narcissistic. I have tried to be her friend twice in my life and know that we will never be friends. She isn't capable. Each time I have tried, I've regretted it. There has been many instances over the years that have left me hurt and confused. She has blamed me for stuff that has happened in her life. She has talked bad about me behind my back and in front of me. Right before I had distanced myself, she told me she cannot say she's sorry to no one. She'll even argue over something even if she knows she's wrong. She calls her two daughters and me sensitive, which one daughter cut off all ties with her completely. I have distanced myself this past year. She has been a soap opera all her life and plays the victim well. However, she can be charming and very talkative. What is bad, is that we know a lot of the same people. What do i say to the people when they want to know why we don't see each other or get along? What makes it sad, is that we are the only siblings in the area. I am thankful for my supportive husband, kids and husbands family, which I have a great relationship with. I am also thankful for sites like this were I know I'm not alone.
Sep 26, 2014
 Distance
by: Anonymous

Yes my friend. Distance works. Also, getting involved with something that doesn't remind you of the pain. I found this website some months ago and it changed my life. There's comfort in knowing you aren't alone. I became a sponge and soaked up everything I could find to read about narcissism. It gets better. The pain and hurt eases over time once you get free of ongoing injustices. It's your future. Take control of it, no matter your age. It's never too late.
One day you will wake up and be shocked that your first thought in the morning isn't of anger at how you've been treated. It's not magic and it doesn't happen overnight. Be patient. When it feels overwhelming, push it aside and do something else. Just like AA. It works if you work it. Please try. We need more people like all of you who have lived through it and learned something from it to change it. All my best. Sincerely.
Sep 25, 2014
 I had no idea
by: Anonymous

My sister caused me great hurt last week in an email where she accused me of manipulation, playing mind games, and threatening me that If i want to have a relationship with her I have to stop manipulation antics.
Not until I came to this website did I realize what was wrong with my sister. I have suffered all my life because of her and I am 64. Nothing I ever did was never good enough, I was never smart enough. She had all the knowledge about everything, she was the favorite, yet I was the one who took care of my elderly parents until the end.
Here I am wrestling with forgiveness and trying to figure out how to maintain a relationship, where I can’t think, speak, or have an opinion.
I feel stupid, my boss was narcissistic and I worked for that man for 22 years, how could I not see the same symptoms in my sister. The only way that I am going to have peace is to distant myself from her.
Sep 16, 2014
 No, you are not alone
by: Anonymous

Sounds so familiar, you have the same issues as the rest of us here. Just different circumstances. It always hurts.
Thanks for sharing your feelings with us here.
Sep 14, 2014
 sister tried to manipulate me for 40 years
by: Anonymous

I join everyone here. My sister is 4 years older than me and bullied and intimidated me when I was young. She had this scheme to get my assets and inheritance. She manipulated it so that no girl would look at me to marry. She controlled everyone in our social circle to see me as weak and mild.
My only option was to break away from everyone.
Every time I brought a girl home, she manipulated my family to hate her and to break us up. I finally decided to not bring anyone home. I met a girl who was 4 years older than me. She also had brown skin. She tried every stunt she could, manipulating my parents to try everything to break us up. We eloped. For 2 years they refused to acknowledge her existence. Finally I was invited to a family friends wedding. They had no choice but to acknowledge her. They all came over to our house with a small wedding cake and pretended like we were just married. Getting married older, we tried to have children, but we can't. 2 years ago, I stated to the family that since I don't have children, that I would divest myself of my assets when I retired in order for us to live well in our old age. The look on my sisters face was incredible. She actually went aside and mumbled to herself,"what was I doing all those years."she then actually went and lied to my father that I would retire when he died and sell the assets. My father, by now dubious yet still under her thumb, asked me if that was true. I stated that when I retire in 20 years that I would divest. I never denied it. My father had a look of shame, because we both knew who lied. This past summer, I took my parents to London to see the flat we bought there. My father and mother were in awe of the standards my wife and I have. It is a small flat, but very nice in a good area of central London. I finally got my mother to acknowledge the bullying that she ignored and tried to cover up for my father and sisters actions. I've moved on, and I wanted to tell of my suffering and its actually a relief to see that I'm not alone.
Sep 05, 2014
 Narcissistic Sister
by: Anonymous

I am numb, in shock, sad, and experiencing an onslot of my PTSD symptoms after dealing with a 3 week episode of blame, and scApegoating from my narcissistic sister, her daughter who is following in her shoes, and also the ways my sister has influenced both my father and my other sister. This has been going on all my life, and I have just in the past week identified it all as falling under the umbrella of malignant narcism. Of course, I always was awAre of the lake of love, hate and blame that I was affected by. I have been abused, lied to and about, slandered, stolen from, set up etc. I just wanted to be loved and accepted. I thought things had gotten better, and was duped again! I feel stupid, and hurt all over by the mean cruelty. Like others, I have been to counseling off and on for this and other painful family issues, including an emotional abusive father and sexual abuse. No counselor has ever identified this group of behaviors that have effected me through my sister and in some degree from my dad as an actual mental health condition or ever offered me tools, or insight that the likelihood that their behavior will not improve or that I would be better off to distance myself. My counselors have talked about boundaries, forgiveness and helped me reAlize that their behaviors against me are about them, not me, but never really identified it as it really is. I would right out my "story" but I am just too drained, and also a bit afraid of the retaliation that comes when you call these dysfunctional people on their stuff. At this point, I'll just say I appreciate the comments I have read, my heart goes out to all of you, and it does help some to know that I am not the only one that has been victimized by this apparently somewhat common family dynamic. I would also like to know which "e-book" the first writer was referring to when she commented on the e-book helping her so much. Can the writer let me know the title? Thank you.
Sep 03, 2014
 Oh my goodness, Cheril
by: Anonymous

Your life has been so much like my own, it's the same for so many of us here. You have a beautiful spirit. They can't take the good feelings out of us that come from us knowing the good that we did and tried to do. They would never allow us to feel good about any of our accomplishments, or the love that we showed them, so let's just keep it where you said, that our Creator knows the truth, and He will set all matters straight in His own time.
And just like you, my father was the one who saw what was going on and he would speak up sometimes in my behalf. I loved him so very much, he had the only truly loving heart between my N. mother and N. sister. My mother and sister controlled the entire family, and when my mother died, everything went to my sister, and she shared it all with everyone after taking the lions share for herself. I got nothing, but I didn't WANT anything, and believe me, I am being 100% truthful. Why have things that would remind me of my mother, and the abuse she dealt out to me all my life?
My sister hung up on me when I called her after my mother died, I was calling her asking how much my share was for the cost of the cremation. She couldn't even be cordial at the time when families should be able to come together and bury their dead. She has chosen to not have any contact with me for these 6 years since our mothers death. She thinks that's hurting me, but I am so thankful that she has taken that stand, I am at PEACE at long last. I never have to worry about how to react when she is around, because she ISNT around any more. If she knew that she was giving me such peace by staying out of my life, she would probably try to enter my life again to cause me emotional pain again, so I hope she never figures it out.
What happened to us was we were born into families where one or more members who had all the power were sick, my mother was the one in my family who was emotionally troubled because of things that happened in her family while she grew up. She brought those problems to her own children, and made my sister the favored one so my mother would have a best friend to dump all her troubles on. My sister felt the favoritism and basked in it, and used it against the rest of us, and became narcissistic also just like our mother was. I truly feel sorry for her. Because if I had been chosen to be the favorite child, I may have become just like her.
No, my dear, you are far from being alone. I am older than you and am grateful to have learned this year that there are others who are walking in my shoes and surviving.. We have become stronger because of knowing that others are out there just like us. God bless.
Aug 31, 2014
 Narcisstic Sister
by: Cheril

I googled narcissist sister and I cannot believe how all the stories very closely sound just like my sister and family.

My sister is 6 years younger than me, and she learned to be a narcissist because my mother was one. She was the one with narcissist rage (mother) and I always wondered why my sister hated me. I was always nice to her and she would point out something stupid like I hid behind a door once and said boo...(my brothers and I used to always play this game). My sister would go crying and screaming to my mother who would come out after us with the wooden spoon. Mother never bathed me, or washed our hair, she was only into my sister and trying to make her life happy. My one brother does not talk to my sister or see my mother anymore and hasnt in many years. He decided to have self preservation decades ago and kept to himself.

My sister is the owner of my mothers house, executor of the Will and lives near our mother and never helps her out. Not even push a vacuum or food shop. I live 5 hours away and come in by bus to help out with cleaning, etc. I did it for a while now am stopping and leaving the mother situation 100 percent to my sister who ignores every good and proper suggestion for caring for our elderly mother. Doing this has caused my mother a few trips to the hospital because my sister couldnt bother checking up on her leaving her to my cousin to go there and do all the work.

My mother and sister have destroyed our family-me my other brother and father were shut out from any conversations and being part of the family. When my father died 20 years ago, my sister ignored him completely and all his needs. I took care of him to the moment he died. My mother would not even get him water and he was dying of cancer. I told my sister he would die any day and please come to the house..she was 30 mins. away but she said she could not as it was her turn for her vacation home that weekend and would stop by on Sunday. I said he will be dead by Sunday. He died Saturday.

After my mom passes I do not imagine I will have any contact with my sister--and I dont expect to get any money as she is the owner of the house and controls everything. Im not mentioned in theWill so I will get nothing. My sister will do whatever she wants with the money when I was the one doing all the cleaning, laundry for a household growing up and taking care of both parents.

I feel very damaged by my mother and sister who shut me out of their lives and treated me like trash. Once when I went to a counselor to seek help, the counselor came to the house to see what was going on. It was my counselor and I paid for it, not my mothers. My mother, behind my back, went to the counselor and said I have to tell you about my daughter and how bad she is.. She then told the counselor that I had been married once before and divorced and just trashed me all over the place. The counselor told me what she said and did becasuse it was not a "paid session" and my mother was not his patient. He told me how abusive she was and she would also abuse my children, which she was already doing. And she would abuse me in front of them.

So Im leaving all the care to my sister for my mother. She can keep the money and gloat in her glory. I believe in God and an aferlife and believe we will all be judged according to what we did and how we made others suffer. I hold no hate towards them, its that I just dont care anymore. Im 58 and Im tired. I want peace in my life and will pursue that.
Aug 30, 2014
 Thanks for all your Comments
by: Englishwoman

I stumbled upon this website in desperation - trying to find out why my sister who is older than me by 10 years has always been so awful towards me. I knew - for some time that she was a narcissistic personality - as was my mother although she died when I was 16. I always thought - like the other comments - how wonderful it would have been to have been part of a normal, loving family - but it was not to be. I can see now that my sister took over from my mother when she died and over the years, convinced my father that I was no good. My father had actually been my only "friend" within my cold family. I felt - as a child - that I was an "outsider" in my family - not a member of this exclusive "Club". My sister had been the "only child" for 10 years - and who knows - it might have been different had I been born a boy? My aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbours all thought my sister was a caring, sensitive, artistic soul and I was just ignored. I was labelled "the plain one" - whereas my sister was the "beautiful one". However, I was the clever one at school. This still was wrong though when my mother told me that because I passed my exam to go to Grammar School that I would become a snob. All the other parents were performing cartwheels of joy. Over the years, my sister has done such harm to me, destroying my first marriage, alienating my father from me and telling lies to relatives and friends. She has actually tried to cause me and my son physical harm. I have severed all ties with her after 63 years (she's 73) and hope to recover after all these years, although I feel so sad at the moment. Its so reassuring to know that I am not the only victim out there.
Jul 20, 2014
 worrying about our sanity
by: Anonymous

I clearly see how much it affects us, by the way, to be treated like we don't matter. It causes us to doubt ourselves so much that we begin to believe as young children that ''they must know what they're talking about, they both (or all) say I am weird, stupid, trouble maker, not co-operating, lazy, selfish, crazy, etc, etc, etc. So maybe I am."
No, we have been duped. And it takes time to see it clearly. Everyone is dumb sometimes, lazy sometimes, weird or stupid sometimes. But we were told we were those things all the time, no matter what we were doing, right or wrong. We really were brainwashed into believing the lies. We were bullied.
You sound like you want to take responsibility for your own choices. That's healthy. But while you're doing that, don't buy into all the negative talk of the bullies. See your good, and change what needs to be changed. And give yourself credit for seeing both the good and the bad about yourself. Because narcissists don't do that. They can't. They have too much to lose. We don't have anything to lose, we already lost everything. Now we just need to lose the neg. feelings about ourselves that we've been told we should believe. It's hard at first, but it gets easier over time. After decades, it became so obvious to me that a loving family would never treat one of their own like this. That was what helped me the most to see that nothing I did caused it and so nothing I would ever do would heal my family. So I chose to heal the only person I could, myself. That's when I really began to grow into a healthier person and let go of my fears that maybe I was as bad as they say. I know better now. I still love them and still wish I had a normal family. But wishing won't get it. So I am happy with whatever good and whatever peace I find in my life and it's enough.
Jul 19, 2014
 Siblings who do not defend
by: Anonymous

My siblings only came to me one at a time over the years once or twice to tell me that they saw the abuse and were affected adversely because of having witnessed it. Not often at all. They all stayed with the n. sister. Then one by one, they moved to other States in the USA. I one in a while hear from one and nothing from the others and I count that as a blessing now. And like you, they used to tell me all the ''dirt'' about our n. sister every chance they got. But it was so unhealthy, because they only do that if they are mad at her at the time. When they aren't, I do not hear a thing from them or about the n. sister. Now, I go on with my life and do my healing one day at a time w/o them. Because this is not what I or anyone would call a 'family'. it's a circus, and I am always part of the ''freak show''. haha I find it hilarious now, I truly do!!!!! Because it should be called "The Only One Who Calls It Like It Truly Is, a Sick Family" show.
I did the same thing as you, I also did wrong things when I was younger. Don't fault yourself, it's a normal reaction to abuse. They used to call me crazy all the time so I would find myself acting crazy when they would attack me. Also other things that I did wrong in my own private life, and had to recover from and change my ways. Baggage always comes from those kinds of things that we do, thinking it's getting back at them when really, it's hurting only ourselves and they're rejoicing over our pain. When I found out years ago that they were not going to be there for me even if i was in such dire straits that I could die, I began to change, to care more about how I treat myself, since I could plainly see that not even my dying would melt their cold, cold hearts. I had to get well on my own, and then stop all the foolishness of abusing myself by making bad choices. And I have done that. I am now healthier physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I thank my Creator for all the help that He has given me and is giving me each day. Do not beat yourself up over past mistakes. Do good toDAY. God Bless you.
Jul 19, 2014
 UPDATE - Unbelievably AMAZING site on Covert Abuse
by: Anonymous

Updated web address for:
Unbelievably AMAZING site on Covert Abuse (posted above on Sep 27, 2013)
The web address posted above (in Sept) has now changed. Still highly recommended. This link will bring you to the “smokescreens” page, which I just felt would be a good place to start (for it’s validating effect)….but there is more! Check it ALL out!

Here' the new link:

http://demianyumei.com/category/covert-abuse/smokescreens/
Jul 17, 2014
 Thanks
by: Relieved

Well Anon, reading your last was like reviewing the last 49 years of my life, right down the relationship you have with the rest of your family. Hmmm. Almost makes me worry that I "blacked out" and wrote it, save one detail. It's my father and sister. If the rest see it, they don't speak of it. Doesn't stop them from coming out of the woodwork to tell me about everything she's said. My father too. Some of it's shocking. I know I made an unwise conscious choice somewhere down along the line and said, "well if I'm going to blamed for it, I might as well...."
I still feel a bit surreal about it. I can't imagine being that focused on debasing another human being. Like a "nobody is that terrible" thought. It's got me worried about my sanity a little. Let's face it, the only ones that agree are the ones that don't like the N. I feel better though. Now that I know why, I can address other issues with some logic reasoning, change the way I see things and my responses without loading up on excuses. Bad things happen to good people all the time. How we deal with it determines our success.... Think I'm going to put that on my mirror today.
Jul 14, 2014
 Narcissists destroy trust in the entire Family
by: Anonymous

No, you are not alone, my n. sister and mother also over time turned the entire family of aunts and uncles, cousins, etc, away from me. But I never had a close relationship with them anyway, because of the neg. work that was always being done behind my back by them. Sadly, N.'s think it's necessary to be #1 in everyone's eyes. The only way they can do that is to undermine, criticize, slander anyone who they feel is a threat to their ''popularity.'' So they go after the very one they feel threatened the most over, the scapegoat. Why we were chosen as the scapegoat is because we were not bad people, we were easy to put blame on, we were the more quiet ones, the ones who had love for everyone in the family, the helpers. We wouldn't start fights, cause trouble. Because we knew early on that we would not be defended by anyone. But we were blamed anyway. I'm not saying we didn't fight, my sister and I fought all the time because of her hatefulness toward me, but our mother sided with her 100 % of the time. The scapegoaters don't like it that someone is acting better than them. I have read that they are jealous over our tendency to have good qualities. Because being beaten down does cause a humbling of the spirit, the mistreatment does cause us to develop empathy for others who suffer. Even after years pass, many of us develop empathy for the abusers, which they know they don't have for us! We come to see how they turn out, how they are locked in a no emotional growth life. We can see that after decades passing, they never change their cruel ways. It's not that we were/are perfect, but ever single imperfection that we have is magnified 1000 x's bigger than it really is. And their imperfections are minimized 1000 x's smaller than they are.
Every single sibling I have (5) has come to me alone and told me they saw it all and that it affected how they feel about the abusers. They finally moved far away from the N.
Drinking doesn't work, don't beat your own self up by thinking it will help for a while, it never does. I tried that too. LOL. I came to see that in certain ways, eating too much chocolate for instance, and alcohol, I was abusing my own self, doing their dirty work for them!! I was taught self-hate. I had to let those thoughts go, learn to love myself, and develop healthy ways to treat my body. I hope that you do the best for yourself that you can do, be close to the few that you can trust, (yes, we have trust issues - for good reason!) and have the best life that you can possibly have, and keep in close contact with and trust that our Father in heaven sees and is helping us every single day! He saw it all, and he cares about us. May He bless you!
Jul 06, 2014
 Wow
by: Relieved

I don't feel crazy anymore. I almost destroyed myself. Came real close by drinking a lot. Nothing will make me go back to a life around a N, and I don't care who it is anymore. 50 years of this abuse and an entire family (sister, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews etc)all under the N's spell. Well, I might be lonely....but I'm never alone...right?
Jun 26, 2014
 You All Sound Like Beautiful People!
by: Anonymous

I always wondered why I wasn't filled with hatred for my Narcissistic mother and older sister. But just like you all here, we came out on top, we were better off than our narcissistic family members. Because we didn't get any of that narcissistic power! So we developed empathy and love for them, we wanted them to love us so much! When they didn't, and when they continued abusing us instead, we developed a lot of problems like fear, anxiety, self-blame, feelings of guilt, longing for a normal, loving family and never getting it. Those are all very normal feelings to have under all that stress and abuse that we suffered. So we are normal, they are not. We came off the winners after all. Yet, it still leaves us with the hole in our heart/soul that always wishes that it could be different. That will never go away completely. So we hope, against all odds that it will ever come about. I wish I could sit down with all of us together and just get to know one another, but of course it can't be. But I see my life in every single story here. That in itself is so comforting, to not be alone like I was for decades! I am 75 years old and have given up on my
narcissistic sister who is 11 months older than me . She stopped all association with me after our mother died 6 yrs ago. It hurt, but I am better for it. I now have peace and know that I tried very hard all of my life to get along with her, and she ruined it over and over again. So now, I just find myself hoping she will stay away. Every sibling has left her now, moved far away except me, and she can't allow herself to be associated with me because I won't let her manipulate me anymore, and that's inexcusable in her eyes, so she is done with me. Now she only manipulates her own children. I care about her, but my love has gone to a place where it can do the most good, toward my own husband, kids, gr. kids, and great gr. kids and my loyal, loving friends who all know about my life as the Family Scapegoat. They know that when my sister completely cut off ties with me, I never looked back, never responded to the silence, never missed the sick relationship. I can have empathy for her, but from a distance, not speaking and seeing her. I need my peace more than I need to try to have a normal relationship with a person who never appreciated me, and found fault with me instead of accepting my loving efforts toward her and all of our siblings. Our mother created this situation, and I leave it to my Creator, my Loving Heavenly Father to work it out in the future. I'm ok, you are all ok, we are survivors.
Apr 06, 2014
 And the fog has cleared
by: Anonymous

Hi everyone.

I suffer from PTSD because of living with a N sister for slightly over a year. I could never understand how she could have done all that she did to me and my family. I have been trying to make excuses to lessen the pain, but that hasn't worked. She has manipulated my parents and has them wrapped around her little finger from the time we were children. They are always bailing her out of one situation after another because she's the Golden Child. However, that has only served to enable her Narcissistic personality even more. I have not had any contact with her since 2010, but I always feel paranoid that she's going to do something else but I don't know what. I also live with a great sense of shame because I feel as though I should have seen through it. Consciously I know that it's not my fault, but I can't help feeling the way I do. Just typing out this post is setting off my anxiety. I am really grateful to know that it really wasn't my problem but hers (and my N mum too).
Apr 04, 2014
 empathy...
by: Anonymous

My experience was more mind-twisting than anything I could possibly describe to anyone who hasn't been there....But at the same time I have a problem with labeling my sister a "monster". Even though the result of her behavior has been beyond monstrous, I tend to believe that she did/doesn't have control over it and I'm still feeling that a little empathy is appropriate...from a safe distance of course...After all, once we understand how we've been duped and manipulated we can make different choices in our own responses, strengthen our boundaries, etc. in order to protect ourselves. I realize that there are probably some situations and/or families where this might not be possible, but I've found that the more I learn about the condition, the less hate and more empathy I feel...which ultimately is more healing for me than thoughts of revenge.
Mar 31, 2014
 Horrible sister
by: Anonymous

Wow reading these posts makes me realize what I grew up with - a monster that destroyed our family . So good to read these posts as its helps with the healing and its time for us all to move on and enjoy our lives which at the end of the day is the best revenge !
Mar 18, 2014
 Agree with Oxegen :)
by: Anonymous

I can relate to the comment below from "Oxegen :)". I agree that many therapists I went to knew nothing about NPD. I stumbled upon it myself at the library and it helped me tremendously to understand NPD. I now have empathy for my sister instead of feeling hate. Thank you for your comments. I am not alone.
Jan 24, 2014
 I cut them all loose
by: Anonymous

Since I was a small child, my eldest sister has manipulated me and our other sister. Without going into detail, all. I can say is that after finding this site and reading it, I now know why I feel so at peace because I ended my relationships with both of them. They have done a number on me and I still worry it's my fault. But the funny thing is, I have wonderful relationships with my friends, my husband, my children and my husbands family as well as my co-workers. This has been going on for over 60 years.
Sep 27, 2013
 Unbelievably AMAZING site on Covert Abuse...
by: Anonymous

For all posters and/or victims of NPD...especially the "covert" type of NPD....The following site has been a God-send for me and I highly recommend checking it out. A good place to start would be any of the links under "Recent Posts" Here is the web address: http://covertabuse.com/ Blessings!
Sep 27, 2013
 N brother
by: Christy

My younger brother is a blamer and an N. When he does vindictive things to me other people don't believe it because they don't understand why anyone would do that. He lies about me and they don't understand that he is lying because he seems so sincere. If they would look a little closer at his life they would see the cracks, but many people are just content to enjoy the charming facade.

He has tried to turn everyone against me and had no qualms about trying this with my husband even and my children. They are disgusted with him, but he turned a whole church against me and his young wife won't talk to us, especially me. I now realize how jealous and empty he is and recognize he was controlling my parents against me even when he was a boy! Get this, when my brother and I had our huge falling out over his bad behavior to me, my Dad kept blaming me and insisting that I 'fix' the relationship. I stood back and realized 'wow' why should my 30-something brother not be responsible for relationships? Yet I am responsible for his happiness? I said to hell with it and he never calls or responds while still blaming me for his problems. I'm sure he's making his wife's life hell, but it's not my problem and she thinks I hate her because he told her so.

We live in a small town and sometimes things happen that are unavoidable. My daughter lost a recent competition and we found out he was one of the judges. Nobody could understand at the time because it was so obvious that she should have won. Even the winner was confused. Stupid stuff like that. Punishing my daughter to get any dig at me. It's just one example of 100 things that happen when he has an opportunity to hurt me!
Jun 02, 2013
 A long road
by: Anonymous

I have been having problems with both my mum and sister for decades. I believe now they are both inflicted with npd. My husband has identified their manipulations insecurities and emotional hold on me from the beginning . I just felt like something was wrong as I was flung around in a roll a coaster of emotions. They are Christian and family but why do I feel so torn. I leave their company feeling so down with an inferior husband, like somehow my life , my job, my family is insignificant. As I stepped back ( I would never step out of their lives altogether) there was the most vile outcry. I had abandoned my sister and her children apparently and it is still unforgiven. They take delight in things that go wrong for me do not reach out to me and accuse me of jealousy. It hurts as I have tried to please them for decades with kindness support gifts and service. For so long I have been so confused with our relationship , but the further away I get the more I see how trapped I was and look forward to a life of freedom although the guilt emotions and wondering what they think of me still haunts me. It's a long road but I am looking forward to finding myself and feeling truly free of their expectations and judgements. I thank God for my husband who has stood by and watched me drown in these relationships always lovingly warning me and rarely saying I told you so.
May 29, 2013
 Response to "Anxious"
by: Anonymous

C'mon Anxious! Dish! It'll do ya good! ...and besides, if you don't give any names and you keep your annonymous identity, there shouldn't be anything to worry about. Also, you might try therapy for ideas on coping with the situation.
May 27, 2013
 Anxious
by: Anonymous

I wish I could comment but I am worried in case she sees it.
May 18, 2013
 My sick O sister
by: Anonymous

Oh wow! I have a sick o Narcissistic sister, Cant stand the bitch.
Apr 17, 2013
 Oxygen :)
by: Anonymous

I'm noticing here and in the comments on other sites, how common it seems to be that victims of narcissists often suffer in utter hell for years...often decades...before they finally get a handle on what's really going on. The same is true for me, having spent my entire adult life searching for clues, examining our family dynamic, retreating whenever possible in an attempt to stay sane,constantly being torn between the feeling that I can't give up on my family and yet I knew also that it was toxic, which resulted in an insatiable need "figure it out" in order to stay sane without completely abandoning my family. I have to wonder why it is that it took me (and apparently many others) so many years to identify the NPD. I have not spent a lot of time in therapy in my adult life....I did spend some time in therapy during my adolescence during which my sister's NPDwas not identified (maybe NPD wasn't well known in the 70's?) I was drowning in a narcissistic hell and was the one visibly "acting out". I knew nothing about NPD at the time, only that I needed someone to see the bigger picture and my sister was a "very effective" narcissist and had everyone under her control. I did spend a few visits in therapy in my 30's during which I described my sister's behavior, both past and then-present to this therapist...still knowing nothing of an actual disorder called NPD, and this therapist didn't mention NPD. It wasn't until years later when I was reading an article that I just happened upon ..about dealing with the narcissist in your life".. It was as if someone had turned on the oxygen after my having spent decades trying to breath through a small straw. I know this may sound strange to someone who hasn't been affected by a narcissist, but maybe quite clear to those who have. The description in that article...example by example...was exactly what I had described to my Therapist 10+ years previous...many of the exact same words I used...and the description of the affects...same thing....almost word for word. I don't know what kind of training therapists get, or if they should all even be "expected" to recognize the signs of NPD or if they're trained not to speak of their "supsicions" when they haven't had any one-on-one contact with the suspected narcissist....or what. All I know is that he could have saved me many years of scrambling to keep my sanity had he been able to suggest the possibility. Even if she can't be changed, at least I would have been able to move straight to the appropriate help for myself. However, I now feel very lucky that this information on NPD did eventually drop into my lap. I have now been able to work through so much and have gained untold amounts of stress relief as a result of understanding this disorder better and finding stategies on dealing with narcissists.
Mar 20, 2013
 thief
by: Anonymous

I am in the process of exposing my n sister for stealing my inheritance from my father. It took me 20 years to figure out she did this.All the while bad mouthing me to anyone who came within ear shot of her.A preemptive strike so that if i ever did expose her dirty secret it would look like i was just "jealous" of her. If she could convince everyone i was unstable, who would believe me anyways? It's devastating to discover your own family seeks to destroy you. It hurts and that's normal. You can not reason with the unreasonable.She is a parasite that feeds off the misery she inflicts on others.Two years ago i severed my relationship with her and have pulled my children out of her path of destruction.You can believe they were next on her list of people to lie to about me. Education is my best protection from her. "Living" my life is my ultimate revenge.Despite her best efforts, it looks like little "never" sailed.
Jun 17, 2012
 nacissistic older sister
by: Anonymous

I never really got to know my eldest sister of 10 years until I joined the same religion as her (20 years ago). She preached to me and I believed it to be the truth and still do. At the time, she was going through a divorce and because changing my religion was controversial in my parents' house, I moved out and moved in w/her. That's when my nightmare began. It was her way or the highway all the time and I felt so trapped because if I left, I had no where to go. I was 20 & inexperienced (which she knew). She was demeaning all the time and threw me under the bus constantly to our friends. She became someone who a lot of people truly admired (and still do) but if you know her like I know her, she is highly abusive and aggressive to me. She can be nice, don't get me wrong, but it lasts for a short period of time. Ultimately, if I don't do things her way when she wants something of me, she will always get back at me and if I don't see it coming, it will eventually. We had a major blowout (over my parents' finances) few years ago and she wants control and to know every thing that happens. I told her to talk to them (as they're competent and still in control of their finances) but she blew up at me and has been angry at me ever since (that was 7 years ago). She even went so far as to slander me to our very close friends to get me uninvited to a gathering and it worked. She succeeded and turned some friends against me. Since then, we don't speak much unless necessary. I don't go out of my way unless she's visiting (she since has married and lives across the country). I feel better about myself, but the aura of her still lingers in me because I know it's never really over. I feel paranoid thinking something from her is coming down the pipeline. It sucks because she's supposed to be a Christian but acts like a bully in the schoolyard behind closed doors. I guess my father was that way too so I see where she gets it from but she's been through therapy and preaches the good news to others and still behaves like a bully to me. :(
Apr 24, 2012
 same situation
by: DD

I am 16 months older than my narcissist sister. I too believe that my sister has stolen my identity all my life. It has taken me five decades to realize what was going on. I always thought that somehow I was responsible for how awful she treated me. Took me a lifetime to uncover the truth. So hurt.
Apr 22, 2012
 Adding to the many
by: Anonymous

My sister has huge issues, and has driven me away so much that it never will be fixed. Not only is she a complete narcissist, but is religious as well. And over the top religious at that. When we little (I am 7 years older), she would tell my mother lies about me, so I would get disciplined, this helped keep my mother and my relationship full of tension and suspicion. When my daughter was born, I stressed heavily to her that she was not to ear bash my child about religion, I wanted that to be a personal decision..of course she would take her into a room telling her that she must be religious etc. I am still cranky about that and my daughter is nearly 20. (she thinks her aunty is a space cadet, so shes pushed her away too). She has alienated almost every member of her immediate family and extended family too. Aggressive and knows everything, never wrong, and as I stay away, I answered the phone at my parents place the other night and never recognised her voice. I avoid almost every social family gathering, as she may be there. Even thought my mother knows, she still makes excuses for her, but my dad knows, which is great. But it is still my fault, and everybody elses fault, never hers
Apr 07, 2011
 same situation
by: Anonymous

I am the younger sister of 18 months apart. My sister has stolden my identity all my life. I am forty now and finally realized it. It is awful.

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