slowing down a bit, taking a deep breath

by anamika
(india)

This site has been a very insightful read, and rings very true to my own experiences.
It's only natural for a narcissist's target to be deeply angry and resentful when faced with persistent lies, devaluation and injustice, but let's step back a moment and try and see what it might be like for our narcissists in question.
a) They seem to feel that their desires are actually entitlements, so imagine how frustrating and contrary the real world must be for them.
b) They are incapable of (publicly)acknowledging wrongdoing or apologizing for inflicting hurt on others, yet seem to know right from wrong, justice from injustice (in the external world, that is; they just don't appear to apply it to themselves), so imagine how difficult it is for them when they actually suspect to themselves (or realise for a fact) that they may have committed a wrong. They must be continuously bombarded with logical inconsistencies in their worldview, and challenged to create satisfactory explanations for what they have done. And then I'm sure that they too realise that they show up as highly unreliable people when they impulsively string together a succession of lies to defame their targets and deflect attention from their own wrongdoings.
c) They have to struggle to maintain their sense of personal superiority in a real world which probably does not feel the same way about them as they do. Think of the multiple slights and injuries to their egos that they would suffer as a consequence. They probably have to struggle quite hard to find even a single 'suitable' companion who would supply them a daily fix of adulation and ego-massaging to heal their hurts. I suspect they would actually be very lonely and think of themselves as persistently misunderstood (or just too superior for the mediocre people around to appreciate). It must be a very, very uncomfortable place to be.

None of this is intended as an excuse for their behaviour. But remembering that they are probably not really enjoying themselves at all (despite appearances to the contrary), and probably find themselves isolated among fellow beings ALL their lives, should go a long way in helping a target in adopting practices that appear contrary to common sense (like not demanding an apology from a narcissist for an obvious wrong, or not replying to a string of false and defamatory accusations), but which reduce the occasions for facing an outburst of the infamous 'narcissistic rage'. You don't want to face this; it not only gives you a really bad headache but you witness the narcissist showing up in nauseating vividness.

I have sat on my hands when I have wanted to deliver a narcissist the thrashing of her life, have recognised as a big mistake the moment I gave one what I felt was a well-deserved tongue-lashing after recognising and witnessing 40 years of injustice to another target, and have now ceased to fret over never finding closure in a troubled relationship with a deeply narcissistic parent who only got worse with age. We are 'gifted' with several such in our family, and I personally believe this behaviour is the result of some sort of cognitive disability. It could be inherent, it could be the way they are brought up (genes, memes ? -- the narcissist's favoured girl or boy is also likely to be a narcissist).

If you saw a misprogrammed robot bumbling around and bumping into things everywhere and you weren't able to switch it off, you'd just get out of the way, right? Especially if it got stuck bumping into YOU all the time....
These guys' brains just don't work properly.