Who Am I?

by Danielle
(Oregon)

I remember while taking a Psychology class, this was the main question through the entire term. We were suppose to write a paper on this question of "Who Am I?" I had to rewrite the paper.
I am currently drowning in obligation while trying to help my family take care of my grandmother who is dying of terminal cancer.
I am working a job that is filled of drama and chaos. I have become close friends with several of my co-workers and this sometimes causes awkwardness in the work place.
I am a full-time student.I am studying business and anthropology and I am going to graduate this year and I have NO idea as to why I chose those topics. It is nothing I am passionate about and want to do, and not necessarily anything that I am even good at.
I tend to overreact and take my personal issues into and share in the workplace because I am not sure how to handle them on my own and keep them to myself.
I feel like I am living in a world that is not even my own. It feels like on the outside that I come across as a student who is dedicated to her education and a full-time employee at a reasonable job. There is so much more to me though. I feel like there is so much more to me (although this sounds cliche) that I have hidden and been afraid of for so long, that important parts of me have just disappeared all together, and I am just a walking, barely breathing shell that stumbles through her monotonous, lifeless days. I think I really started feeling this way about three years ago, and I have made changes, but the truth is, that there was always some driving force behind the changes that made me commit to the change and follow through.
I don't have any hobbies really. In my spare time, it is all about getting ahead or sorting or focusing on what I need to do in the future. Sometimes, I do write in my spare time, but that is about it. I do spend valuable time with family and friends...but I don't do anything special that is just for me.
I recently decided that at the beginning of this new year, I am going to purchase a keyboard (piano) and a camera. Not anything super expensive, because I very much so enjoy photography and through the years I have learned the piano off and on, and they are really things that I enjoy, but I have never put anything forth in order to make sure that I can enjoy these little things for myself. I guess I just figured they would be a waste of time or something.
I feel myself getting bitter. My attitude feels as though it has changed. I get irritated and frustrated easily. I see myself doing or saying things that aren't me and that I am just appalled by. It has been one thing after another for about two years now.
I am not sure what I am looking for. I am not sure what I want. I am not sure who I am. I am extremely simple, easily pleased, passive, but yet I can become feisty and speak my mind...but I am tired of feeling so out of control like this in my extremely controlled and planned out life. I feel suffocated and like I don't have my own voice. I felt like I use to, but I don't know when or how or why I suddenly feel so quiet. Even my manager says I second guess myself constantly anymore. I don't think for myself. I guess overall, I am looking to find how I can think for myself. What is it that I can do to take over my life? Go with my thoughts. Not others. Make decisions for myself and not let others persuade me. To act like me, be like me, do like me. I need to find ME. I need to find MY VOICE.
I need to find me and who I am.